1. LibbyLogic

The year is almost over. Just two days left and then we'll say good-bye to 2007. Sigh. But just in case you didn't realize the year was ending every newspaper, magazine, website, and television show is ready to remind you with a slew of look backs and top ten stories. I always like to think that if I am ever in a long coma I hope I wake up on December 28th so it will take no time at all to catch up on the books I should have read, the news stories I should have paid attention to, the medical advances that may have saved me, and the top ten crimes committed by celebrities. I mean, at any other time of the year there would just be so much information to wade through, and hardly any of it would be summed up in bullet points.

About two weeks ago the network feed services started sending down their end of the year stuff. Multiple taped pieces each running at least two and a half minutes long detailing everything from what happened in the war in Iraq, to what happened on "Heroes." I honestly don't know who sits around deciding what needs to be recapped, but I'm guessing the process has something to do with a lot of beer and a spinning dart board. How else do you get a piece on the best quotes of the year, and then the best stories involving fish?

Despite the wide and varied array of lists I always feel there is something lacking at this time of year... A few areas overlooked. So, without any further ado, here is the 2007 list of top ten lists I would like to see.

10. Top ten useless gadgets that no one needs, everyone bought, and no one will use in the next year. The ov-glove is a perfect example.

9. Top ten celebrities getting attention for something other than being a complete asshole. Okay, that may have to be just a top five list.

8. Top ten uncomfortable fashion trends.

7. Top ten things that will likely contribute to the end of the world in some way.

6. Top ten made up words now being used as part of a common vernacular driving every English teacher I know crazy.

5. Top ten foods re-introduced to the market as "health food" that really haven't changed anything but the packaging.

4. Top ten new baby names that weren't names before, but now seems to be everywhere. For instance: Braxton. What kind of stupid name is that? What, did the mother go into false labor a lot before the kid was born? See also: Milan.

3. Top ten television shows that make it easy to believe the medium is evil. This could be a top 20 if both written and reality shows are considered.

2. Top ten songs that make no-sense, are extremely annoying, and are played non-stop on the radio.

1. Top ten cloying social trends that really pissed me off. This year that would have to include Webkinz, American flag lapel pins and those stupid "stop complaining" wrist bands.

That's it. Now I'm off to watch "Top Ten Hollywood Break-ups" on E! That could fit into at least two of the categories above...

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Albert's "Christmas" present

He's getting funnier. I might have to crush him soon...

No Elmos were injured in the making of these slippers...

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I think it's funny

My Mother and Luke have started a game in which he says the word "poop" and then she tells him how much trouble he is in for saying it. I know, it's lame, but he's only four and, my Mother would play Russian Roulette with Luke if she thought it would make him laugh. Today, though, I interjected myself into the game.

Luke, his Mom, and I were all sitting in the back seat, with my Mom and Dad in the front. Luke was saying poop at the top of his lungs, and my mother was acting shocked and telling him how he was in trouble. They went on like this for some time until Luke's response to my Mother's scolding wasn't giggling, but the words "I am not in trouble, dammit!" Then I was the one in trouble.

The only problem is, my parents laughed first, which made the word "dammit" burn itself into Luke's brain and come out of his mouth several times in rapid succession. My Mother then tried to explain that while we were laughing, no one would think it was funny if he said "dammit" at his Catholic nursery school. I have to agree, that would not be good.

However, I am teaching him to say, "Happy New Year, now go to hell" for his first day back.

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An open letter to Jamie Lynn Spears

Dear Jamie Lynn,

Are you not getting enough attention, Pookie?

I know, I know, it can be hard to be the responsible sibling when the problem child is getting all the attention. It's natural for you to want your parents, and the paparazzi, to notice you. But an unwanted teen pregnancy? You could have done so much better. I mean, do you really think people are going to be shocked a 16-year old -- from the back woods of Louisiana no less -- got knocked up? Maybe if you traveled back in time you could shock people in the 1950's, but really, you're going to have to try harder to get reaction now.

Yes, yes, I know, your unborn bastard (that is the technical term) has landed you on the cover of O.K. magazine, and gotten you attention from every legitimate and illegitimate media organization in the world. But I can guarantee your allure will fade before you change your first diaper. Britney will go to Starbucks, crash her car, and flash her crotch, and you'll be yesterday's news. You might as well have gotten a DUI.

You needed to do something new, something different, something exciting. Dating Larry Flynt would have been great. Or you could have started a "Teens for Satan" organization. Or, if you really wanted to push it, you could have decided to ally yourself with North Korea, and started a nuclear war. All of these things would have caused a bigger splash, could later have been blamed on youthful stupidity, and wouldn't leave you with an inconvenient reminder -- like a baby.

I know it's hard to believe, but this baby will most likely outlive you. It will definitely outlive your sister. And so, for the rest of your life, you will have to deal with it. I know, you have money, and a seemingly endless supply of resources, but they can't get you back your fun teenage years, or your drunken, irresponsible 20's, or the time in your 30's when you and your husband are just enjoying being a couple. Of course, that is if you get married -- the douche who impregnated you most likely will not stick around, and kids really kind of zap any energy you may have to date.

I really do with you the best of luck, if for no other reason than the fact that you have pulled a completely innocent child into all of this. But, really, I see the future very clearly and it isn't pretty. I see a southern tract home, a screaming kid, a failed pop album, and a role on at least one "celebreality" show. Well, maybe two -- you'll probably get fat, and want to take off the pounds.

I hope your time in the spotlight was worth it.

Kudos on the baby,

Libby

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Best laid plans

I would just like to start by saying none of this would have happened if Utah's liquor laws weren't so screwy.

I am trying to finish up my Christmas shopping this week, and pretty much the only thing left to do is to find a couple fun items to put in Ryan's stocking. I thought about the usual items like candy, toothbrushes, cigars, and handcuffs, but I really want to do something different. Then it came to me -- mini bottles! You see, Ryan has recently begun enjoying bourbon, and I thought this would be a great way for him to sample different kinds without bankrupting us. Also, I really like holding them and feeling like a giant. However, there was a small hole in my plan -- Utah does not allow the sale of mini bottles in state liquor stores. I think it has something to do with fearing parents will assume since they are small they are meant for children, which, if you think about it, is perfectly rational. So, I had to figure out a way to get my mini bottles bootleg.

Luckily, my friend Tara, who lives in the godless state of California is coming to visit over Christmas, and therefore could serve as my mini bottle mule. I pulled out my hand dandy cell phone and texted her my request, expecting a speedy, and sarcastic response.

I got a speedy response, but it wasn't from Tara. It was from Candice, my very nice, and very LDS co-worker. She wrote back "Okay, but I'm not sure where to get mini bottles." Yes, while in trapped in my fervor to buy illicit gifts I had hit the wrong name in my contacts list (Candice is at the top) and tried to pull Candice over to the dark side. And, if her response is any indicator, I almost succeeded.

After the debacle played itself out I had to tell Ryan what was going on, spoiling any Christmas surprise mini bottles could bring. Hopefully Christmas socks will bring him just as much joy. I already asked Candice to pick them up.

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This goes on for hours...

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What?

Luke has a new favorite word. What. He says it after everything said to him, as if he just couldn't be bothered to pay attention the first time you spoke. And if he's really ignoring you he'll say it three or four times before finally comprehending what is being said. That is if you're not speaking about candy, or the toy store or something fun to do. Then he hears you loud and clear, even if you are whispering in a soundproof room seven miles away. Here is a typical exchange:

Me: Put on your shoes.
Luke: What?
Me: Your shoes, put them on.
Luke: What?
Me: Please put your shoes on.
Luke: (silence)
Me: Luke? Put on your shoes.
Luke: (silence)
Me: I know you can hear me. PUT ON YOUR SHOES!
Luke: What?

My head usually explodes around this time. What is really odd about Luke's new selective hearing is that he can always hear Ryan, and NO ONE can always hear Ryan. He is one of the quietest people alive. Mimes are louder. But Luke always hears anything he has to say, the first time he says it. Of course, when I speak, with a voice like a bull horn, he goes deaf.

The best is when I am with Luke and my Mother and my sister Mandy. My Mom and Mandy are both deaf in one ear. So, anything I say to anyone is greeted with "What." It gets to the point where I just repeat myself out of habit. Then when I get home I'm talking like a parrot.

I can only imagine what it will be like when Luke is a teenager. We won't be able to get his attention without fireworks and interpretive dance. Maybe I should practice on my Mom and sister now.

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Merry Christ-huh

I have officially reached the time of my annual holiday malaise. Now, there are some, especially those I work with, who may argue I never have any Christmas spirit to begin with. They are very wrong. I love the holidays. I just don't love all the cutesy, schamry, dumb things about it. I will happily run stories about holiday shopping tips, safety hazards, or legitimate good deeds being done. However, a story about a man who has legally changed his name to Santa Claus, or a woman who dresses up kittens as elves will not hit the air on my watch and will be ridiculed loudly.

Every year I start off strong in my plans for the holidays. I have lists of people I need to give gifts to, charities I want to contribute to, and ideas about all of fun holiday activities in which I plan to partake. I picture myself taking Luke ice skating, and then rushing home with our cheeks all pink to eat cookies in front of the fire. Believe it or not, I usually almost get there. This year Ryan and I started off in a holiday sprint. We wrote more than 55 Christmas cards and mailed them December 1st. I hit several stores, including Target on a Saturday, and actually enjoyed the rush. We got a tree and decorated it -- even pausing to go out and get new lights so it would look even more festive. We even went to holiday parties -- and I dressed up AND wore make-up. However, now I think I have reached my limit.

There is still plenty to do mind you. There are presents to wrap, more cards to send out, cookies to bake, and an open house to plan. Oh, and I still need to fulfill my fantasy on the ice rink where I am not a total klutz and Luke doesn't complain because it's cold and his feet hurt. However, the most I can really muster right now is wearing pajama pants with Santa on them. I really fear if this continues I'll be visited by three ghosts, and I just don't have the time right now.

I think what I need is nog, lots and lots of nog. And by nog I mean wine.

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What I want for Christmas

No gift guide today. I was going to write one, but I have had a headache all day and just now cut my hand not once, but twice, while making dinner. So, here is a little tidbit I hope you'll enjoy. Think of it as my gift to you.

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The Official LibbyLogic Non-Lame Gift Guide: Part III

Today I was going to write all about gifts for the ladies. However, after my conversation with Albert I began thinking about a category of gifts that is almost always overlooked during the holiday season: gifts with snark. You know what I mean, something that seems lovely to the receiver, but has a hidden meaning for the giver and anyone else they want to let in on the joke. Think of them as gifts with benefits.

Digital Alcohol Detector $45

Snark Factor: 10

This is the item that got me thinking about snarky gifts. Restoration Hardware has them on a table with "stocking stuffers," gift wrapped and everything. But is this really something a person would open with glee? It is if you frame it as a personal hygiene gift for the person who is always vigilant about safety. Of course, you'll really be thinking you don't want to bail them out of jail for another DUI. Oh, and for those who don't drink, Restoration Hardware also offers a halitosis detector that is just as good.



Rabbit Corkscrew $50

Snark Factor: 6

This is a gift that proves anything can be snarky if you just think hard enough, because no one will get the joke except you. On the surface it says "you have class, and enjoy the finer things in life." However, look a little deeper and it says "you are so dumb you can't even open a bottle of wine. Oh, and you enjoy stupid tools named after sex toys."








Dusting Slippers $12.99

Snark Factor: 8

On the surface these fun and functional slippers seem to say "don't work so hard, just clean as you go, you deserve a break." They're kitschy and a conversation starter. The recipient will have no idea the conversation you really want to start is "your floors are more dog hair than wood." Of course, that is also why I bought myself a pair. You should see the dust bunnies I've collected. Frightening.




Listening is An Act of Love $25

Snark Factor: 3

This is a book I think everyone should own. It is a collection of transcripts from the StoryCorps project, which basically is an Airstream trailer turned into a recording booth that goes around and gathers stories from Americans. It's a perfect gift for anyone, especially those people you want to tell "you never listen, shut your yap." I expect to recieve several copies.





So, I can only think of four snarky gifts, but I think they get the job done. Just remember, if you put your mind to it anything can snarky. Slippers say "you're old," DVDs say "you aren't well read," and ties say "you are so boring I couldn't think of anything else to get you." All you need is the right way to look at it. My way.

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Snark triumphs over the Ahhh factor

I work with a guy named Albert, who is quite possibly the nicest guy I have ever met. He doesn't mind writing all the stories about kittens in trees, and elderly wreath making classes that I am loathe to touch. I like to think he balances out my utter hatred of human interest stories by embracing them and making sure they get into my show.

Today though, he went too far.

Albert came in this morning very excited about a movie he and his wife watched last night. He said it was perfect for the Christmas season and very heart warming. The name of this movie? "The Christmas Shoes." Yes, someone made a movie based on that horrible song about the snot nosed kid begging people to help him buy shoes for his mother who is allegedly dying on Christmas Eve. Even worse, said movie is available for rent, Albert rented it, and admitted to watching it!

Now, I really do try to tone down the more caustic aspects of my peprsonality at work, but in this case I really feel I was provoked. The conversation went like this...

Me: Are You kidding?
Albert: No, it's a really good movie. It made me cry.
Me: You do realize that if you continue talking I will have to mercilessly tease you for the rest of your life.
Albert: I think this movie would touch even you.
Me: You know the kid in that song was lying. He returned those shoes for a full refund after the guy walked off and went to buy porn. And why did his Mom need nice shoes to meet Jesus? I doubt when you die Jesus is going to look at you and say "those are pretty crappy shoes."
Albert: Do you remember when you had a heart?

That was the snarkiest thing I have ever heard Albert say to anyone. So, I guess some good came out of it. Of course, now I have that song running through my head, but I can make him pay for that later.

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I'm wishing

I had fully intended to continue the LibbyLogic 2007 Gift Guide today, but I spent all afternoon running around, and capped off my day looking for pajamas for our three year old niece that did not feature a cartoon character or some inappropriate saying like "sassy pants," and did not cost a thousand dollars. That was harder than I ever could have imagined. Finally though I found some that won't make her like a stripper and won't in some way support Fox News, and, believe it or not, THEY WERE ON SALE!!! I actually did a little happy dance in the middle of the store.

Despite my shopping victory, when I arrived home the last thing I wanted to do was think about Christmas presents. I think it's ironic that Christmas shopping can do that to a person. So, I put on pajama pants, made some corn muffins, and now I'm just sitting here thinking about what I would really get people if I could get them anything, even it wasn't sold in a store, even if it wasn't realistic, even if it wasn't sane. I'm not talking about uber-expensive yachts, and ridiculous jewels, but things that would make them really truly happy. For instance, I would get my husband Ryan 10 billion dollars. You see, that's the amount it would take to make sure everyone on the planet has clean water and can go to school. I know this because he brings it up every time another Iraq appropriations bill is approved. I think I would also get him a cabin near a stream where he could fish any time he wanted, but first I would take care of the other people, he would want it that way.

For my friend Tara I would get a magic free credit card that allowed her to buy clothes at any time without first questioning whether or not she should buy them for weeks on end. Of course, I guess that's more a gift for me since I have to hear about said clothes. Really, the only way to convince her not to buy them is to tell her I like them. It's a little game we play. I guess while I'm handing out magic credit cards I would give one to each of my two sisters, but not to my Mom. I have something better in mind for her -- an overhaul of the Utah education system. Yes, teachers would be paid well, useless workshops would be outlawed, and kids would have the resources they need to learn. Oh, yeah, and kids would want to be there. I mean, if I'm doing the impossible...

I would give my friend Murphy a lucrative directing career, my Dad the ability to retire and freelance, and Luke a real motorcycle and college tuition for anywhere he wants to go. He would be more excited about the motorcycle, but, then again, who wouldn't?

Finally, I would give everyone an end to the war in Iraq, health care coverage, zero credit card debt, and a Democrat in the White House come 2008. Oh, and candy, lots and lots of candy.

Okay, this is getting to magnanimous for me, so I'm going to go kick a puppy or steal change from the Salvation Army kettle. I'll be back with a another, more realistic, gift guide tomorrow.

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The Official LibbyLogic Non-Lame Gift Guide: Part II

Today we focus on the men on your shopping list, be they husbands, fathers, brothers, boyfriends, buddies, or guys you have to stay 500 feet away from due to a restraining order. Although, really, isn't following the restraining order gift enough?

Men are notoriously hard to buy for unless they fall into the stereotypical jock, nerd, outdoors man, handyman categories, or unless they have a weird hobby like model trains or stock car racing. Looking over other gift guides out there this year I have found them strangely lacking. I mean, giving someone a pen with a clock in it is cool for one year, maybe two, and then it just gets old. So, here they are, the gifts to give to the man in life, if you want him to continue being the man in your life. If you don't -- get him socks.

A Subscription to the Sunday New York Times $26 a month

Who would love it: Any man who knows how to read and cares at all about what is going on in the world.

Why it's a good gift: It's a gift that says "I know you're smart, but you don't want to deal with the pressures of being smart every day of the week. So, here, just be smart on Sunday." Also, it's a gift that will make them remember you every week, and feel bad if they haven't spoken to you lately.

Personalized Hoodie $50

Who would love it: Guys under 40, conceited guys of all ages.

Why it's a good gift: It shows you put time and thought into a gift -- rather than just picking up a hoodie at Old Navy the night before. Also, it's something no one else will have. Yes, others will have hoodies, and some may even be personalized, but I know my husband will be the only one with "Big Papa Smurf" emblazoned across his chest. Unless one of you steals my idea.

Oh, you better not.

Bourbon Price varies

Who would love it: Guys who drink, guys who entertain, guys who like to look sophisticated and realize an appletini just isn't cutting it.

Why it's a good gift: It's booze, and good booze at that. Even if they don't drink it they can share it with friends or re-gift it. It tells them you think they have the class and panache to appreciate the good stuff -- even if you know they secretly drink Zima in the basement. Plus, you can get a bottle of pretty good bourbon in a bottle that looks really expensive for less that $30. Oh, and if you're really nice they might share.

Boom by Tom Brokaw $28.95

Who would love it: Readers, history buffs, politic buffs, news buffs, your Dad, my Dad, anyone's Dad.

Why it's a good gift: I usually try to steer away from giving books as presents since tastes vary so much. However, this is a good general interest book about a period of history that pretty much interests everyone alive today. Even those people who spent the sixties grousing about "dirty hippies" will enjoy reliving their past prejudices. Also, Brokaw is a really good writer, and I hear this book isn't as pandering as the one about World War II.

Santoku Knife $35

Who would love it: Anyone who cooks, anyone who likes to cut stuff without breaking a sweat or using their teeth.

Why it's a good gift: I knew this gift had to go on the list when I saw the gleam in the eye of my friend Ben. He said, and this is not a direct quote, but I think it's close: "This knife is the best knife ever." I would have to agree. It doesn't get dull, it cuts perfectly so matter what you are cutting, and it's pretty.

Of course, there are other items out there men of all ages and typoes might enjoy, like car emergency kits, and flashlights, and all in one pocket tools, but those were just a little to lame to make it into the top 5. I think I've picked some real winners, but, of course, I don't have a penis, so who knows.

Best of luck finding the perfect gift.

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The Official LibbyLogic Non-Lame Gift Guide: Part I

It is once again that time of year when we show people just how much they mean to us by buying them things they probably don't need, or deserve. Magazines, newspapers and the Internet are all full of lists proclaiming the best gifts for everyone from your husband to your dog walker, although, let's face it, most of them are pretty lame. I mean, how many people are really wishing for Leatherman tool sets, CD players that look like old fashioned radios, and scarves that appear to be made out of dryer lint? Never fear though, for I have come up with a series of gift guides that will help you navigate the treacherous world of Christmas shopping, without having all the people on your list thinking you had a coupon for Sharper Image. We'll start today with the most important person on your list: me. Of course, I realize that many of you might not be buying presents for me (which really is kind of selfish), so these gifts are also perfect for people like me -- funny, hip, and pretty much the coolest person you know.

Monkey Portraits by Jill Greenberg $17.99

Why I want it: A fine art photographer took pictures of monkeys and turned it into a book. What's not to love?

Why it's a good gift: Buying books as presents is always risky, especially if you are buying for an avid reader. However, arty picture books fit every taste. Oh, and everything is funnier with a monkey.









Octopus Pendant $30

Why I want it: I don't really like jewelry. It's usually uncomfortable to wear and looks like the stuff everyone else is wearing. However, this piece is small and very different, which makes it perfect.

Why it's a good gift: It's unique, and it's jewelry, which is usually a crowd pleaser. The site also features cuff links with octopi for the fashionable man. Plus, it's from Etsy, so everyone will think you are awesome for buying Indie.




Cashmere Wrap $128

Why I want it: I work in an office that is always freezing, no matter what the temperature is outside. However, I feel pretty silly looking wearing a jacket indoors, and cardigans just scream librarian. This is soft, warm, and oh, so pretty. It may be a bit pricey, but don't I deserve the best? If you feel the answer is no, Nordstrom Rack sells a knock-off version for $20 which would do just fine.

Why it's a good gift: It is a piece of clothing that goes with anything. You don't have to know the size, or worry about if it will match other clothing. Also, it's cashmere. Who wouldn't love cashmere? And if they don't love cashmere why are you associating with this person?







Yerba Mate tea $6.95

Why I want it: In my early days in television I pretty much burned a hole in my stomach by drinking ten or more cups of coffee a day. Now, in my dotage I can have about a half a cup before I'm doubled over in pain. However, my hours necessitate the use of caffeine, and normal tea just doesn't cut it. Enter Yerba Mate. It has caffeine, but isn't acidic, so I can drink it without wanting to die. Also, it doesn't give me that "I'm shaking so hard I might start losing extremities" feeling I used to love from coffee. It's just a nice mellow burst of energy.

Why it's a good gift: It's organic, it's fairly traded, it's delicious, and it's healthy. One cup of Mate has more antioxidants than 10 cups of green tea. And the company spends part of it's profits to save the Rainforests. So, really, you're just a bad person if you don't buy it.





News Radio: the 4th Season $40

Why I want it: This was, quite possibly, the funniest show ever on television. I mean, better than "the Simpsons" and "30 Rock." Yes, sometimes I wondered how they ran a 24 news station with only six people, but the humor made up for it. Since I already have the first three seasons, and the death of Phil Hartman turned the fifth season into a sad, sad joke, the fourth season the best option.

Why it's a good gift: For those in the know this show is a cult classic, and for those who aren't in the know it will be a welcome surprise. Also, I like giving TV shows on DVD because it only take a half hour to watch -- and few people I know can sit still for longer than that.

So, there's a short list to get you started. Of course, gift certificates for pedicures (no massages, I don't like to be touched that much), bottles of wine, and cold hard cash will also put a smile on my lips and a song in my heart. Now, get out there and get shopping.

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Snow!

We woke up this morning and it was winter.

Yesterday it was warm enough that I was wearing Crocs and no coat, but overnight someone obviously decided that was not appropriate for December and decided to do something about it. We must have gotten at least eight inches of snow at our house, and we don't live on what is considered the "benches." Those people really got screwed.

Now, as with any snow storm two things instantly happened -- our power went out, and Sally started banging herself against the door wanting to go outside to play and eat as much snow as she could. Since I make it a rule not to get up before 10 on days I don't have to work that job fell to Ryan. He bundled up and took her down to the school, where dozens of dogs were doing their snow dance, and where Sally got thoroughly soaked and frozen. Of course, when she got home the one place she wanted to be was the warmest place in the house, and since the power was out that was the one place human heat was accumulating -- our bed. So, that's how I got up this morning, with a wet dog throwing herself on top of me. It really isn't as fun as it sounds.

Eventually Ryan and I decided we had to brave the storm to go in search of burritos. Now, the burrito place is only four blocks away, so we really could have romped through the snow, singing carols and throwing snowballs, but you have to remember that snow is cold, and I don't really like trying to eat a burrito with fingers that are like ice. Yes, I know gloves exist. I just hate them. So, I convinced Ryan we should drive so I could go run errands afterwards. However, what we did was really more like luging than driving, but without the condom like body suits. The streets had been plowed, but the snow was falling so fast it really didn't make a difference. By the time we made it to the restaurant we could have walked there, decided we didn't like what we were wearing, walked home, ironed something, changed and walked back. We did arrive warm though, which was a plus.

After we had filled our bellies with rice, beans and tortillas Ryan and I decided it really was no day for man or beast to be out and headed home. Yes, I know, we drove there so I could errands, but if you don't know I'm a big liar and quite lazy by now you haven't been reading this blog very long.

So, now here we are, sitting at home, drinking tea, and watching the storm taper off. Once it stops I'm sure we'll start feeling like we should go out and pick up the dry cleaning, or do Christmas shopping, or bundle up and throw snowballs at Sally, but right now it's nice to be in our little cocoon, surrounded by a storm.

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