Wednesday, December 19, 2007

An open letter to Jamie Lynn Spears

Dear Jamie Lynn,

Are you not getting enough attention, Pookie?

I know, I know, it can be hard to be the responsible sibling when the problem child is getting all the attention. It's natural for you to want your parents, and the paparazzi, to notice you. But an unwanted teen pregnancy? You could have done so much better. I mean, do you really think people are going to be shocked a 16-year old -- from the back woods of Louisiana no less -- got knocked up? Maybe if you traveled back in time you could shock people in the 1950's, but really, you're going to have to try harder to get reaction now.

Yes, yes, I know, your unborn bastard (that is the technical term) has landed you on the cover of O.K. magazine, and gotten you attention from every legitimate and illegitimate media organization in the world. But I can guarantee your allure will fade before you change your first diaper. Britney will go to Starbucks, crash her car, and flash her crotch, and you'll be yesterday's news. You might as well have gotten a DUI.

You needed to do something new, something different, something exciting. Dating Larry Flynt would have been great. Or you could have started a "Teens for Satan" organization. Or, if you really wanted to push it, you could have decided to ally yourself with North Korea, and started a nuclear war. All of these things would have caused a bigger splash, could later have been blamed on youthful stupidity, and wouldn't leave you with an inconvenient reminder -- like a baby.

I know it's hard to believe, but this baby will most likely outlive you. It will definitely outlive your sister. And so, for the rest of your life, you will have to deal with it. I know, you have money, and a seemingly endless supply of resources, but they can't get you back your fun teenage years, or your drunken, irresponsible 20's, or the time in your 30's when you and your husband are just enjoying being a couple. Of course, that is if you get married -- the douche who impregnated you most likely will not stick around, and kids really kind of zap any energy you may have to date.

I really do with you the best of luck, if for no other reason than the fact that you have pulled a completely innocent child into all of this. But, really, I see the future very clearly and it isn't pretty. I see a southern tract home, a screaming kid, a failed pop album, and a role on at least one "celebreality" show. Well, maybe two -- you'll probably get fat, and want to take off the pounds.

I hope your time in the spotlight was worth it.

Kudos on the baby,