Once Every Four Years

No, I'm not talking about the Presidential election, even though we all know how excited I am for that. I'm talking about leap day! February 29th! The big calendar abnormality! Woo hoo! As the producer of a very important news show I have, of course, spent the morning combing the Internet looking for interesting leap day tidbits for the anchors to spout on air. The only thing I can find? Leap day is the one day women can ask men to marry them. Now, that might have been cool in the 1800's, but then again, so were those bikes with the huge wheel in front. It's time for some new leap day traditions, and I am just the woman to come up with them.

• On leap day everyone must walk backwards until they trip over something. The thing that they trip over is theirs to keep.
• Any word or phrase can be turned into a sexual innuendo on leap day -- no mater how lame. For instance "I'm going to transpose you" is perfectly acceptable.
  
• All foods are calorie free on leap day. And donuts actually help you lose weight.
  
• Anyone wearing the color pink must be chased down the street with chants of "wear pink, you stink" ringing in their ears.
  
• Everyone must carry an onion with them at all times to throw at the people wearing pink.
  
• The traditional leap day greeting? A slap on the ass followed by two short hip bumps.
  
• Pigeon hunting is legal on the streets of New York City on leap day, but everyone must eat what they kill.
  
• Pants are optional on leap day.

Now, get out there and have a good leap day. Sing, dance , and make up your own traditions. After all, it only comes once every four years, like Nader trying to spoil a Presidential election. Oh, that's one more thing, today, Ralph Nader must wear bunny ears and stilettos. That's my favorite leap year tradition of all.

Read more →

Television to Save the World

Television is amazing, I think we all agree about that. In recent history it has been the center of the cultural zeitgeist, broadcasting images that have bonded a global community together. If you ask anyone how they heard about any earth shaking historical event over the past 50 years they will probably tell you it was on TV. Television is our shared memory and social conscience, and now two shows have taken it to a whole new level. Of course, I am talking about My Big Redneck Wedding and My Dad is Better Than Your Dad.

My Big Redneck Wedding combines America's two favorite pastimes -- weddings and making fun of hillbillies. The only thing that would be even better would be "My Big Redneck Celebrity Pregnancy," which, of course , would star Britney Spears. But I think the women on this show are even better than Britney! I mean, who doesn't love a bride who has a bouquet stuffed into a beer can and is planning on "walking" down the aisle on a John Deere tractor? Or the fair lass almost ready to say "I do," except for the fact she can't find her teeth? And who knew camouflage was the answer to flatter the figure of every bridesmaid? Of course they look skinny! You can't see them! The decorating ideas are fantastic. Who knew that beer cans, spent ammo shells, and taxidermied varmints could be used to make centerpieces?

In all seriousness though, the thing I like about this show is that each couple has a moment where they talk about why they are getting married and almost every woman says it's because the man in question is the most wonderful person alive, and each man calls his wife-to-be the most beautiful, fabulous creature he has ever seen. And you can really see they mean it, if not because of their words, then because of the highly inappropriate tongue filled kisses at the altar. It makes me believe in the true transformative power of love. It also makes me jealous that Ryan didn't pee his proposal in the street for all the world to see, but I guess he just isn't a romantic.

I have to admit that I have not actually watched My Dad is Better Than Your Dad, probably because I have such a sensitive gag reflex. However, the concept looks great. Finally, a show that humiliates every day men by putting them through demeaning stunts on the quest for mone and possibly ruins their image in the eyes of their child! Brilliant! The only thing better would watching siblings compete for their love of their parents by making them eat worms and swim through raw sewage. Actually, I think that may already be on FOX's fall schedule.

My Dad also gives fathers the chance to show just how great their parenting skills are, because most of the stunts also involve their kids. This means lots of caring, motivational talks disguised as soul crushing, therapy inducing rants by Dads who still probably wear their high school letterman jackets on the street. I think they must be extra points for making their children cry, since that seems to be the goal for most of them.

Ah television -- mother, teacher, secret lover. The moon landing. The Cosby Show. Jo calling Blair a "bitch" on The Facts of Life. All of these moments made us better as a nation, and they all were came into our homes through a small magic box. And now with shows like My Big Redneck Wedding and My Dad is Better Than Your Dad a whole new generation is guaranteed the kind of entertainment that can't be found in the "real world" or an "active imagination." So, dream on, television studio executives. Dream of shows pitting midgets against Rotweillers in three on three basketball. Dream of game shows where people must answer questions about 60's porn movies while their grandmothers hang over vats of lye. Dream of shows showcasing c-sections done at home with kitchen utensils. Dream big, dream disgusting, dream lowest common denominator, but just dream -- so that we don't have to.

Read more →

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String

I don't know what it is, maybe it's the fact that were getting into the yucky, melty gross part of winter, maybe it's the fact that Ryan and I just can't seem to shake the plague, or maybe it's the fact that I have to start back on my diet in order to not be harpooned when we go to Mexico in June, but lately I just haven't been in a very good mood. I know, it's hard to tell, I hide it so well. I was sitting here trying to think up what to blog about, and all I could think of were things to complain about. Bad television shows. Annoying people in the grocery store. Those damn kids listening to their "rock and roll" music. Then I realized that if I wrote about any of those things I might be mistaken for Andy Rooney, and I hate that old man smell. So, I have decided to go in a completely different direction: a few of my favorite things, new for 2008. Shocked? I thought so.

1. Cooking. I have written before about my adventures in the kitchen. Lately though, I've been on a roll like never before. It might have something to do with the fact we're broke, or that we're trying to eat everything in our freezer so we can defrost it and fix the ice maker, but lately I have been cooking up a storm. And it hasn't even been my normal cooking at home routine -- I've been following recipes. Last week I made chicken curry, chana masala, and pesto pasta, and tonight I made sesame chicken. Right now, as I type, there is rice pudding baking in the oven. For Valentine's Day I made a chocolate cream pie that would make you cry. I've even been cooking vegetables. Amazing.

2. Project Runway How did I not know about this show before? It's not so much about fashion as it is about bitchy homos. My kind of people. Every show there is at least one moment that leaves me staring at the television with my mouth agape. And the fact that Bravo runs marathons of it ad nauseam has really been my only saving grace while I have been glued to that couch waiting to cough up a lung.

3. Stewart O'Nan There is nothing better than finding a new author that I like, unless it's finding a new author that I like and then discovering he's already written a ton of books I can explore. Stewart O'Nan is one such writer. He has ten books, but he's never popped up on my radar screen before. His stories aren't complicated, or fanciful, and are actually a bit depressing, but the characters are so real and engrossing that I can't help caring about them. Right now I'm reading Wish You Were Here, and I can't wait to read the others.

4. Luke Yes, I know that Luke is hardly a new favorite thing and that at times I write so much about him that this blog should be called "Luke Logic," but lately he has been so delightful it's like I'm discovering him all over again. The other day we were driving in the car and he was telling me how his Mom was taking him to Toys R Us to spend a gift card he had received. I asked him what he was going to get, and he replied "I haven't figured that out yet, but thanks for asking." How can you not love a kid like that?

5. Tequila I gave up wine for Lent, and I really thought that was going to be the beginning of the end. But instead I have discovered a whole new world of taste treats, starting with my agave based friend. Yes, it may seem like cheating to substitute one alcohol for another, but you make your deals with Jesus and I'll make mine. My favorite thing right now is Tequila with grapefruit juice and soda. I call it a Chihuahua.

Now I feel all warm and happy inside. Of course, that could be the Chihuahua talking. However, I am going to pin it on thinking about my favorite things and all that is right with the world. Don't worry, it won't last long... I'll be back to normal soon.

Read more →

Nader!

It's official: I am pissed off at Ralph Nader.

Over the weekend Nader announced he will run for President as a third party candidate. Does he think he can win? No. Does he care? No. He claims that none of this matters though, saying that he feels the front runners in both the Democratic and Republican races aren't addressing issues that matter to the people. Like what, Ralph? Crazy old men who have the need to make public spectacles of themselves to feel relevant? I think John McCain has that one covered.

If Nader doesn't think this Presidential bid is a bad idea maybe he should look at who has welcomed him into the race: Mike Huckabee. Yes, the man who should scare any reasonable person enough they feel they need to check for him in their closets at night thinks it's a great thing Nader has joined the race. I would elaborate, but I don't think I need to.

It's like Nader has completely forgotten about the 2000 election. I don't care what anyone says or how may pie charts they show me, Nader won that election for George Bush. Nader says that likely wouldn't happen again, and that "if the Democrats can't landslide the Republicans this year, they ought to just wrap up, close down, emerge in a different form." Yeah, that's great Ralph, but you have forgotten one thing -- DEMOCRATS LOVE TO LOSE! Do you really think that George Bush should have beaten Al Gore? Or that he should have served a second term after turning the U-S into the most hated nation in the world with a record deficit? No! And while a lot of that is Americans being stupid, even more is the fact that Democrats love to in-fight, and flip flop and tear each other down. Also, because the Democratic party has a lot of young people. Young people, as we know, are flighty. As a former young person myself I know this to be true. They don't think about the long term, they think about what's cool right now. Why do you think so many have lower back tattoos? They will vote for Nader, if for no other reason than he's different, and the cute guy in their sociology class is wearing a t-shirt with his name on it. Yes, there is a chance the young people will forget to vote unless they write reminders on their hands with sharpies, but that isn't a chance I want to take.

So, as of this morning I am no longer talking to Ralph Nader. Don't call, don't write, don't try to text me, Ralph -- until you drop out of the race you are Persona non Grata in my eyes. I won't even view the You Tube videos you send to all your friends. I don't care how cute the sneezing panda is, Ralph, until you drop out I won't watch it! Of course, when you do come to your senses you can come over for Indian food. I'll even cook it using solar energy.

Read more →

Now Read This

I hate saying nice things about other people, especially other people with blogs. However, I have recently come across a blog that I feel I must mention, because I think everyone should read it. I don't know who the mad genius is behind Left Out in Utah, but I think I like him. He's like a more political and slightly less sarcastic version of myself.

Enjoy.

Read more →

A Sign of the Apocalypse

Ryan and I were sitting on the couch last night watching our television that in recent weeks has developed weird wavy lines in the screen.

Ryan: I think we should get a new TV.
Me: What?
Ryan: You know, use the economic stimulus money to buy a new TV.
Me: You don't want to use that to save endangered tree sloths? Or buy esoteric books on philosophy?
Ryan: Well, look at the TV.

I really didn't know how to react after that, so I just sat quietly and prayed that when the four horsemen pulled up outside of our house Sally won't bark too loudly and wake the neighbors.

Read more →

Lazy Day

I am sick yet again, so I am laying low today so I don't use up all of my sick leave before March. So, enjoy these pictures from our trip to San Francisco, and I will get back to writing once I cough this half frog-half chipmunk thing out of my throat.

Read more →

Need a Pair?

We were in San Francisco this weekend, enjoying the slightly warmer temperatures and eating everything that wasn't nailed down. On Sunday we decided to cross the bay and head to Muir Woods, which was less like a nature hike and more a petting zoo for trees. Really, I have never seen so many people excited about Redwoods. But that's not important right now, what's important is what I saw on the way up there: a car with balls.

Yes, you read that correctly. A Jeep in front of us had a pair of chrome testicles hanging from it's trailer hitch. Swinging. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, thinking that it must have been some kind of automotive problem the car was having, I mean, maybe it was melting. But then Ryan and the others in the car let me know my eyes did not deceive me, and that putting neuticles on your car is the latest thing for those who want to go above and beyond nudie mud flaps on their vehicles.

When we got home I got online to research this new phenomenon and find out if it was what appeared to be -- the beginning of the downfall of society. I found it was much, much worse. There are actually companies competing to be the "car ball" king. On their websites they actually tout what makes their fake automotive testicles better than the other guys. Oh, and they charge at least thirty dollars for a pair. There are some that cost upwards of $70 a pair. I think they must be real testicles dipped in chrome for them to cost that much. Oh, and if you want people to know what kind of tool you are at night there are pairs that light up! Wow. I can only imagine what the testicle technicians will think up next. Maybe life like hair.

Considering these new "wonders for wheels" I can only think of an old adage my mother told me when I was a very small child. It was almost like a family credo: "Men with big trucks have very small penises." Well, now those in the small dick set won't have to worry about affording the big truck in order to shout their shortcomings to the world -- because now they've got the balls. And they even fit on a Hyundai.

God Bless America.

Read more →

Just Keep Digging, Chris

Utah is known s a conservative state. Wait, strike that, I meant an ultra conservative state. Seriously. There are some days that it is illegal to wear blue. This is a place where the good old boys network is considered progressive. It's where minority legislation is rights for brunettes. It's where Liberals are so used to fighting losing battles that when they win they don't know what to do, and usually just end up doing what the conservatives wanted anyway. However, recently one man has gone too far, and actually sparked outrage. Ladies and gentlemen of the Internet, I give you state Senator Chris Buttars...

Isn't he magnificent? Don't you see the rays of light and knowledge just streaming from his eyes? This is the man who recently referred to a bill he didn't like as a "dark, ugly thing," adding (just in case we didn't get it) "this baby is black." And then he wondered why people took offense.

Of course, instantly the NAACP and anyone who doesn't fly a rebel flag over their house started calling for him to step down. He refused. He did kind of apologize though, saying he was sorry if people took offense. That's kind of like saying I'm sorry if anyone doesn't like this blog. I am not apologizing for writing it, just that some people may not have the good sense and well developed sense of humor to appreciate it. So, I think you can understand why the NAACP wasn't ready to kiss and make up just yet.

The next thing he did was plan a rally and begin making t-shirts for people to show their support for him. And he did it all with money from his campaign fund! Now, if that doesn't say "man of the people" I don't know what does. What a Mensch. Wait, I mean "good guy," since he probably wouldn't appreciate the Yiddish.

What a shock it was when people began saying that the idea of a rally was, at best, misguided. And how confused our dear Mr. Buttars must have been when his t-shirts sold fewer than those for Doug Henning's latest world tour. So, he decided to postpone his "Everybody Loves Chris" plan and grant one on one interviews to all of the papers and television stations. There was only one problem, he would be doing all the talking. In one interview he compared to those criticizing him to a "hate lynch mob," and tried to prove he wasn't racist by saying he had worked with "black kids, red kids, brown kids" at the Youth Corrections Ranch he started. Yes, he said "red kids." The only thing that would have been better is if he had said "I'm not racist, because being racist is gay."

Oh yes, I forgot to mention Buttars long standing hatred of homosexuals. At one point he referred to one of his colleagues who is homosexual as "the gay." It could have been worse, he could have called him "the sodomite." I 'm sure that's what he was thinking.

The nice thing about Chris Buttars is that there is really no reason to start a petition, or go to the state capitol with pitch forks and torches, because he'll do it all himself. I figure that if he keeps making public statements every other day in about a month he will be emerging in China. And think of all of the slurs he can make then...

Read more →

Maybe it's me...

I caved today and went down to the Carriage Cafe. I got my bagel and went to pay. I had a five dollar bill. THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHANGE!!! Why, oh why, does this nightmare continue? Children in Africa are starving and I am regularly throwing away bagels due to stupidity. Well, I won't do it any more. For the children.

Read more →

Playing God

Luke attends Catholic school, and despite my efforts to keep his mind from being warped by the Papists he really likes it. Right now he is obsessed with what words are "good" or "naughty," and he loves to play a game where he names an object and I say if it was made by God or a person. Buildings? People. Cows? God. Hostess Fruit Pies? Both. I think you get the picture.

Yesterday I was out at my friend Jamie's house so Luke could play with her 3-year old daughter Mary and 2 year old son Drew. They retired to the basement where there are a million toys while Jamie and I sat upstairs visiting. About 30 minutes after the three of them disappeared the basement got quiet -- too quiet. I went to the top of the stairs and yelled to Luke "what are you doing?"
"Playing," was his response.
"What are you playing," I yelled back.
"God," he said.
"What?" My response was automatic. I had to have heard wrong.
"God," he said.

I looked around to make sure all of the pets were safe and accounted for and headed downstairs to see exactly how "God" is played. When I go the basement I found Luke and Mary standing on either side of a large Tupperware container containing Drew. "I'm Joseph, she's Mary and Drew is Jesus," Luke explained. Oh. That was good enough for me, after all, no one was bleeding or crying, and so I went back upstairs. Jamie, of course, asked me what exactly the game "God" entailed, and I told her how it was basically playing nativity. I said Luke must have picked it up at school. "Great," Jamie replied "but when he learns about the crucification will you let me know before you bring him over?"

I hate it when my friends are funnier than I am.

Read more →

Sink or Swim

When I first took Luke swimming two years ago he clung to me like a spider monkey. Now he takes to the water with ease, and only needs me when he wants to go down the big waterslide. I rue the day he grows to over four and a half feet and doesn't need me at all. Here are some pictures from the pool last Sunday. He and his friend Cooper are swimming maniacs...

Read more →

Nightmare Cafeteria

There is nowhere to eat near my office. Yes, there is an enormous shopping mall with a multitude of chain restaurants just a block away, but at six o'clock in the morning, when I go to work, it is still in it's retail coma from the night before. So, my options for food are limited. I could pack something, which I often do, or I could eat out of the vending machine, which I also sometimes do, but only if they have Cherry Pop-Tarts. Of course, there is a third option, but I don't like to think about it -- the Carriage Cafe.

The Carriage Cafe is downstairs from my office, a mere 27 (yes, I counted) steps away. It is actually the cafeteria for the LDS Business College, which is located in the same complex. For that reason there is no coffee, or soft drinks with caffeine in them, and their martinis suck. However, everything else they serve isn't bad, and is made from scratch. So, why don't I go there? Because they have an equal idiot employment policy.

I first noticed the less than stellar IQ of the people who work there when the Cafe first opened. I asked if they had skim milk. Blank stare. I asked again. Nothing. Finally I changed my tack and asked for fat free milk. Finally, a light went on. "You mean the green milk," one of them said. Okay, green, white, whatever, just fat free. She went in the back and came back with a bottle of milk with a green lid. Kind of makes sense, but still.

About three weeks ago the stupidity intensified. I went down to get a bagel and a hash brown for my co-worker Graydon. I had my credit card. They take credit cards, and even have a little sign on the door advertising the fact. However, on this day the cashier couldn't figure out the credit card machine, and declared it to be cash only. Eight people set down plates of food on his counter and walked out. I vowed never to go back.

I went back. Yesterday I forgot my cereal at home, was starving, and there were no Cherry Pop Tarts in sight. I had cash, so I tucked it in my pocket and went downstairs. Once again, I got a bagel and a hash brown for Graydon, and once again there was a problem with the cashier. This time he couldn't take cash. Now, in the history of the world I have never heard of a business that wouldn't take cash. Some even give you discounts for using it. But the cafe couldn't take it, because the cashier would have to work out the math in his head. Yes, that is honestly what he said. So, being the calm and rational person that I am I whipped the bagel at his head yelling "fuck you, you fucking fuck" at the top of my lungs. Well, not really, but I was thinking it. Instead I set down my bagel and walked out, along with six other people who had already gotten food and were waiting to pay. 

I went back to my office ready to fire off an angry e-mail to whomever is in charge of the incompetent cafe, and found they had a suggestions page on their website. Perfect. I wrote a short e-mail about how they needed to improve service, and hit send. It froze my computer. Honestly. I had to reboot manually it so royally screwed everything up. I'm guessing the cashier is also their IT guy. 

Eventually I'm sure I will once again succumb to the temptation of bagels less than 30 steps away, but until then I am bringing my food from home and sticking to my principles. I'm also waiting in the back alley to catch that cashier alone and give him a math lesson...

Read more →

Babies Shouldn't Smoke

Luke loves band-aids. He puts them on every injury, real or imagined, and uses them the way some people use handbags, to spruce up his outfit. Because my family is nothing if not indulgent when it comes to this little boy, we stock our cabinets with every kind of band aid imaginable. It's almost like a first aid Olympics." Oh, you have Dora?" one of us will say, "well, I have the Dora and Diego signature series, plus three different types of Power Rangers and the Elmo ouchless." I like to pride myself on having different and quirky band aids that Luke can't get anywhere else. Yep, if he's going to hurt himself he's going to want it be around me. Yeah, I know how that sounded.

Recently I picked up a package of band aids printed to look like crime scene tape. Kitschy, with just just a hint of irony. Perfect. And the box even said that they had a free toy inside. Even better. I really thought this would be the band aid blow that would make the plethora of first aid products at my Mom's look like, well, first aid products.

Luke was so excited about the band aids he asked if he could take them home. Great. Now everyone could see just how innovative I was in the arena of band aids. Two days later I was out at my Mom's and found the item below on the counter. Yes, a tiny pack of cigarettes. And yes, that was the "free toy."

Now, I didn't expect the free toy to be a pony, but toy cigarettes? What's next, a crack pipe or an Amy Winehouse doll? Can't a person walk on the wild side with their band aid choices without worrying about potentially warping a kid's life? I think this is definitely an issue for the Utah state legislature. After all, if they can spend days on bills marginalizing drinking, homosexuality, and anything else they consider "godless" then they can take up the cause of toy cigarettes in band aid boxes. I think it's a moral imperative. And now I'm hoping no one in the legislature reads this blog, because I know they would take me seriously, and then we would only be allowed to buy band aids with Moroni on them.

I guess when I think about it things could have been worse. It could have been a tiny severed head. Of course, that would be something Luke would think was "cool." And then he would need a tiny band aid to put over the bloody stump.

Read more →

Quarantine

I am not a person who gets sick often. Yes, I like to complain that I think I am getting sick, and I pretty much convince myself that any germ that comes in contact with me could cause my death. And yes, I have been known to lick the faces of people with colds when I really feel like I need a day off. However, I rarely actually, not hypochondrially, get sick. I blame my parents. Damn strong constitutions. However, this month has been different. This month not only have I had the stomach flu, I have come down with the super cold.

It started two weeks ago with a sore throat. I didn't think it was a big deal, after all, it was Friday, and I like the taste of Halls cherry cough drops. As I sat at my desk that day Jen, the evil photographer, came by to tell me I had the beginning of the mega cold that had felled three of her colleagues. She told me one had even gotten so sick his throat had bled, and doctor had told him not to talk for a week. Now, Jen is also the one who throws things at my head, and usually tries to make my life miserable, so you can understand why I took her comments with a grain of salt. Little did I know she told the truth.

Saturday and Sunday of that week were spent pretty much in a cold medicine induced daze. I just felt tired and snotty, and not in a good way. Ryan and I laid around and pretty much took it easy. Then Monday I was feeling better. When Jen walked by my desk I haughtily informed her I had beaten the so-called monster illness and was on the road to recovery. "Oh no," she said, her eyes glowing red, "you just think you have. It will come back." I made the sign of the cross and went on with my day.

Tuesday I pretty much woke up dead. However, I forced myself to continue to go to work until Thursday, and even then it took Ryan convincing me that if I didn't call in he would. It isn't that I hate missing work, in fact I think of my sick days as little candy covered jewels sent to me by Jesus. However, I had already been out two days for the stomach flu and there was a big story going on. But after breaking down crying because I just didn't think I had the energy to go on, and after coughing up a lung in the shower, I was convinced a day off would do me good. And it did. Friday, one week later, I felt better. After all, the cold now had now victims to conquer -- Ryan and my Mom. Yes, it was out to attack the two most stoic and stalwart people I know.

Mom got it first, curling into a quivering ball of sickness on the very day I started feeling better. On Saturday she was down for the count, cold, shaking and pretty sure she was nearing her end. At one point I swear she asked me just to put her out on an ice floe, which is possible with the winter we have been having. But I refused, and made her take some Motrin. She also insisted on taking a cough medicine called Buckley's, which I am pretty sure is a German aperitif due to the smell. She did start feeling better though, so there must be something to drinking poison. However, she still had to stay home from school on Monday. She doesn't miss school unless her hair is on fire, and even then sometimes she'll just put on a hat to keep in the smoke.

Ryan started showing signs of the wicked cold on Sunday, and by Tuesday he was sunk into the sofa. He has now been down for two days, which is longest I have ever seen him knocked down my illness. After all, this is the man who could have his hair on fire and be bleeding out of his eyes and still go to work. I could tell you more about Ryan while he's been ill, but I want to stay married. I think the following video pretty much explains it all though:



Now we're all just laying around the house. I'm still coughing, Ryan is still coughing, and Sally is about to move. And somewhere, in the distance, I can hear Jen laughing...

Read more →

Picture time

Today I noticed that my blog has been conspicuously absent of pictures in the past few weeks. How boring. That must be remedied right now... Ryan took these pictures during a walk on our favorite dog friendly trail this weekend. And no, I am not doing this because I don't have anything else to say. I just think you might want to look at something pretty. Sarcasm will resume, as usual, tomorrow.

Sunset over the valley

Sally in the sun

A girl and her dog

Read more →

The Business of News

I am only writing this because Wendy asked me too, and she is one of my favorite people -- even if she has gotten fat.

Recently the leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley, passed away. For those of you unfamiliar with Utah, his church is headquartered here in Salt Lake, and it's members make up more than 60 percent of the population. So, when he died, it was, and still is, the big story.

I am not Mormon. I have lived in Utah most of my life, and lived with Mormons for all of that time, and never felt a desire to convert. I married a man who grew up Mormon and who's grandparents still ask him when he is going on his mission. And yet, they still love me. For that I credit Gordon B. Hinckley. He was really the first LDS President to say to Mormons "Hey, your non-Mormon neighbors don't have horns." For that I thank him, and respect him.

However, Wendy's question wasn't about how I felt about Hinckley, but rather how I felt about the coverage of his death-- and there has been a lot of it. I would say every station in Utah has dedicated at least six minutes or more of every newscast to Hinckley's death. And I think that's just fine, because it is what our audience wants.

Yes, yes, I know, some of our audience is non-Mormon. Several of them have called in the past few days complaining about the amount of coverage. My answer? Turn off your television. It's all a ratings game, and if people stop watching, we'll make changes. But the ratings have not suggested we should.

As for the national media I think the ratings game comes to light again. According to the brain of the Internet, Wikipedia, there are currently 13 million members of the LDS Church worldwide. That is in a population of more than 6 billion. There are more than three hundred million in the United States. That makes Mormons a pretty small part of the potential viewing audience. So, of course the big networks weren't going to go all out in covering President Hinckley's death. However, I was still surprised that it didn't even get a mention. The only time I actually heard it reported was in President Bush's State of the Union speech. And at that time my ears were bleeding -- so it was muffled.

There will be more coverage this week as a new church President is appointed, and I will be happy to report it. And when the Pope comes to visit the U.S. later this month and all the national media is doing back flips I'll be sure to carve out at least thirty seconds of air time. I doubt anyone will complain.

Read more →

Back to the Blog

My computer FINALLY came back today. I cannot tell you the relief I feel have my purring electric sidekick home again. Yes, only half of our iTunes library could be saved, and any pictures taken in the past six months are gone with the wind, but it doesn't matter, because my baby is back.

There is a classic Cinderella song that goes "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone." I never realized hair metal had a message until my computer died. It was like my hands had been cut off or, worse, like I had lost my voice. Making things even more terrible? Suddenly, I could think of thousands of things I needed to do on my computer. All at once there were bills to pay, long lost cousins to find, and thousands of things to blog about. And now that my computer is back? I CAN'T THINK OF ANY OF IT. One night I actually thought not only of a solution to world poverty, but also a way to wear stretch pants and a sweater and NOT look like you're hiding a big ass. But it's all gone now. And don't tell me that I could have just written it all down with a pen on paper. How obscene. Why don't you just suggest I scrawl with toothpaste on my bathroom mirror?

While I was offline I did try to cling to anything digital, so I took a few pictures. Not as brilliant as my words, but really, what is?

Read more →