Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Need a Pair?

We were in San Francisco this weekend, enjoying the slightly warmer temperatures and eating everything that wasn't nailed down. On Sunday we decided to cross the bay and head to Muir Woods, which was less like a nature hike and more a petting zoo for trees. Really, I have never seen so many people excited about Redwoods. But that's not important right now, what's important is what I saw on the way up there: a car with balls.

Yes, you read that correctly. A Jeep in front of us had a pair of chrome testicles hanging from it's trailer hitch. Swinging. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, thinking that it must have been some kind of automotive problem the car was having, I mean, maybe it was melting. But then Ryan and the others in the car let me know my eyes did not deceive me, and that putting neuticles on your car is the latest thing for those who want to go above and beyond nudie mud flaps on their vehicles.

When we got home I got online to research this new
phenomenon and find out if it was what appeared to be -- the beginning of the downfall of society. I found it was much, much worse. There are actually companies competing to be the "car ball" king. On their websites they actually tout what makes their fake automotive testicles better than the other guys. Oh, and they charge at least thirty dollars for a pair. There are some that cost upwards of $70 a pair. I think they must be real testicles dipped in chrome for them to cost that much. Oh, and if you want people to know what kind of tool you are at night there are pairs that light up! Wow. I can only imagine what the testicle technicians will think up next. Maybe life like hair.

Considering these new "wonders for wheels" I can only think of an old adage my mother told me when I was a very small child. It was almost like a family credo: "Men with big trucks have very small penises." Well, now those in the small dick set won't have to worry about affording the big truck in order to shout their shortcomings to the world -- because now they've got the balls. And they even fit on a Hyundai.

God Bless America.


Amanda said...

How have you not seen these before?
I have seen several truck sporting testes - I even saw a beat-up Ford Escort with a pair (now that is a delusion of grandeur).

Emily-Ione said...

I think I may vomit.

Amanda said...

For all your shopping needs:

Anonymous said...

Oh no, I shall not take the fall for teaching you the big truck mantra...mine was "Remember, you can marry more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime." The truck phrase came from your adorable little red-headed sister.

Murphy Gilson said...

Actually, there's a bill in California to ban them. I don't think we should ban them. We should just round up everybody who thinks putting balls on their truck is a good idea and send 'em to Utah.

gretchen said...

Just saw this on MSN.... if thought Utah was the only one with morality legislation, think again!

hope this link will come thorugh you can search truck nuts on MSN videos and hopefully find this story.

great work by the way-- love reading your blog i have to thank your mom for including it in her most excellent christmas letter