Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Nightmare Cafeteria

There is nowhere to eat near my office. Yes, there is an enormous shopping mall with a multitude of chain restaurants just a block away, but at six o'clock in the morning, when I go to work, it is still in it's retail coma from the night before. So, my options for food are limited. I could pack something, which I often do, or I could eat out of the vending machine, which I also sometimes do, but only if they have Cherry Pop-Tarts. Of course, there is a third option, but I don't like to think about it -- the Carriage Cafe.

The Carriage Cafe is downstairs from my office, a mere 27 (yes, I counted) steps away. It is actually the cafeteria for the LDS Business College, which is located in the same complex. For that reason there is no coffee, or soft drinks with caffeine in them, and their martinis suck. However, everything else they serve isn't bad, and is made from scratch. So, why don't I go there? Because they have an equal idiot employment policy.

I first noticed the less than stellar IQ of the people who work there when the Cafe first opened. I asked if they had skim milk. Blank stare. I asked again. Nothing. Finally I changed my tack and asked for fat free milk. Finally, a light went on. "You mean the green milk," one of them said. Okay, green, white, whatever, just fat free. She went in the back and came back with a bottle of milk with a green lid. Kind of makes sense, but still.

About three weeks ago the stupidity intensified. I went down to get a bagel and a hash brown for my co-worker Graydon. I had my credit card. They take credit cards, and even have a little sign on the door advertising the fact. However, on this day the cashier couldn't figure out the credit card machine, and declared it to be cash only. Eight people set down plates of food on his counter and walked out. I vowed never to go back.

I went back. Yesterday I forgot my cereal at home, was starving, and there were no Cherry Pop Tarts in sight. I had cash, so I tucked it in my pocket and went downstairs. Once again, I got a bagel and a hash brown for Graydon, and once again there was a problem with the cashier. This time he couldn't take cash. Now, in the history of the world I have never heard of a business that wouldn't take cash. Some even give you discounts for using it. But the cafe couldn't take it, because the cashier would have to work out the math in his head. Yes, that is honestly what he said. So, being the calm and rational person that I am I whipped the bagel at his head yelling "fuck you, you fucking fuck" at the top of my lungs. Well, not really, but I was thinking it. Instead I set down my bagel and walked out, along with six other people who had already gotten food and were waiting to pay. 

I went back to my office ready to fire off an angry e-mail to whomever is in charge of the incompetent cafe, and found they had a suggestions page on their website. Perfect. I wrote a short e-mail about how they needed to improve service, and hit send. It froze my computer. Honestly. I had to reboot manually it so royally screwed everything up. I'm guessing the cashier is also their IT guy. 

Eventually I'm sure I will once again succumb to the temptation of bagels less than 30 steps away, but until then I am bringing my food from home and sticking to my principles. I'm also waiting in the back alley to catch that cashier alone and give him a math lesson...


Amanda said...

Give it a few years, that cashier will be president.

Wendy King said...

The Carriage Cafe! Graydon and his love for hash browns. I'd almost forgotten these little pleasures in life. Great post!! Before that cashier is president he'll be an employee at KSL.

Loralee Choate said...

Wow. The LDS church must have REALLY relaxed its hiring process. I worked at The Lion House for a couple of years and I had to have a gazillion interviews and practically take a MENSA test before being hired.

I feel for your struggle.

The sucky Martini thing slayed me.