Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What Happens When You Spend Most of Your Time With a 2-Year Old

I had a conversation last night about Mary Poppins nipples.

No, it wasn't with my husband. Or Tara -- although that really wouldn't shock me too much. It was with the household's resident expert on Poppins, who is also fast becoming the resident expert on body parts: Meg.

She was getting out of the tub, pointing out every wonderful part of herself when she noticed she has nipples. I agreed, yes those are nipples. She then asked if I had them, and I told her yes. We then went through a list of all the people who likely have nipples: Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, Lucas. Each time I assured her none of them are bare chested.

And then she asked about Mary Poppins.

Just off hand I told Meg that of course Mary Poppins has nipples. Really, though, thinking about it now, I'm not sure. She definitely has breasts, or at least something that makes her chest stick out in a breast like way. Of course, she also has a carpet bag that can hold a plant, so maybe she's just smuggling fruit in there. Of course, even if she is just carrying around apples in her bra and is totally flat chested that doesn't rule out the possibility of nipples.

She's practically perfect in every way, which would suggest she isn't missing any of the normal body parts. However, the "practically" could also mean she's a nippleless wonder. That would explain why she never stays anywhere very long, lest someone walk in on her in the shower and discover her secret. Also, since she can fly wouldn't it be best to have as little extra weight as possible? Nipples must weigh at LEAST four ounces that could be jettisoned.

Maybe though, she actually NEEDS them to fly. Left one calculates wind speed, while the right one navigates. After all, if Poppins has magic in her fingertips that can pick up toys, her nipples have to be able to do something spectacular. I'm not magic at all and my nipples can at least get my husband to do the dishes.

Yeah. I can't believe I'm thinking about this either. Out loud. On the Internet.

I really hope Mary Poppins isn't reading this post. She probably wouldn't like it, and I really don't want her to come to my house and hit me with her parrot umbrella after calling me "cheeky."

Bert would probably love it though. He's probably the only person who really knows the answer to the mystery of Mary's nipples.

It will be a long time before I explain that to Meg though.

A long, long time.

Maybe never.

14 comments:

missohkay said...

Suddenly I'm feeling inadequate for never wondering about Mary Poppins's nipples. Thank you for opening my mind.

Tracy Lynn said...

This would never have happened if you had only read the books. For serious.
But funny, dude.

Granny Annie said...

If she had nipples, wouldn't she be Mary Popouts?

Thanks to Meg, you are being led to educate the world and to cause pain from so much laughter.

makingmonkeysoup.com said...

When Mea first asked about our dogs nipples, she totally freaked out. Then to find out that they have SIX, and she only has TWO, that just was not fair.

radagast said...

Love it! "Navigating nipples, step in time!" Can't decide if I'm embarrassed or turned on . . .

LL Cool Joe said...

I remember clearly when my younger daughter told me she had 3 nipples and one of them was on her knee

mommyodyssey said...

I think that is the funniest nipple post I've ever read. Not that I've read a lot of nipple posts. But still - this kicked all of their asses (and nipples)!

wildology said...

She would definitley have called you cheeky...and the spoon full of sugar is in question. However, I am sure she has perfect nipples (cue brown-nosing).

Vapid Vixen said...

Nipples really are magical, aren't they?

Jen Has A Pen said...

I love that Mary Poppins is the first "celeb" Meg is concerned about. Says a lot about that little girl. ;-)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think there needs to be a guide to nipples released. Maybe a nipple encylopedia of sorts?

I know Julie Andrews who PLAYED Mary Poppins in the movie, had nipples because I saw them in some awful seventies movie. Mary would NOT have approved.

Sam said...

"In a breast like way." Snort! :)

dufmanno said...

Am I the only one assembling a special task force to investigate if there has ever been a human born without nipples?

Sandra said...

My theory is that if you didn't think about these things here on the Internet, where would you think about them. These are pressing issues for these times. What if nipples could be used for the greater good of mankind!