Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Yes, I Worked for FOX

Gather round children, it's story time.

Once up on a time, in the year 2000, there was a magical city called Washington D.C., and in that city lived a Princess named Libby. Now, Princess Libby wasn't the most beautiful in the land, or the bravest, or even the smartest, but she had a certain je ne sais quoi. Every day she went to battle with a dragon, a mean, horrible dragon named John McLaughlin. She would do his bidding, arranging meetings with other dragons, and throw villagers into his mighty maw so that he would avoid eating her. Of course, the day came when there were no more people to throw his way to save herself, and Princess Libby found herself chewed up, spit out, and left on the unemployment line.

Princess Libby needed a job.

In the distance she saw a castle. A new castle, shining bright among the older, darker, more established castles -- which had already refused to hire her. That castle was called FOX News. It was new, and it had a certain mystery about it. No one was quite sure what it would do, but it felt like it was going to do something. Princess Libby found herself being drawn to it, and the possibility of a paycheck.

Okay, let's take a break from the story here. I mean, yes, I needed a job. I desperately needed a job, but also, at that time, no one knew the evil monolith FOX was about to become. It was just another cable news network, being staffed by some really respectable people, including a woman named Kim Hume, whom I had always admired. I was actually really excited to be joining the network. I took a job as an associate producer/archivist.

Princess Libby liked it in the new castle, and not just because of the free popcorn and coffee. She was enjoying the excitement of covering the elections, and hearing the copy she wrote read on national television. Her old dragon had never let her write copy without belittling her and cutting it right before air. This new dragon LIKED her copy, and told her so. She thought, while he looked like a dragon, might actually be a Prince. Prince Brit. It had a nice ring.

Soon it came there was to be a giant ball in the land, when a new king would be crowned. King George, or King Al, who would it be? No one knew! The ball came and went, but still no one knew who would be king. The villagers started to grow testy, and the candidates for king began to joust and fight. Oh, and things in the FOX castle started to get weird. Princess Libby didn't know what the change was, but she knew there had been one. Members of the court were angrier, but also cockier than before. Entering the castle every day got a little creepy. The Princess wasn't liking it any more. She had to do something, and finding another dragon to work for was out of the question.

So, Princess Libby decided to pack up her her crowns, get on her noble steed, and head to grad school.

One more break. In actuality, I had decided to go to grad school right after McLaughlin fired me. I found out I had been accepted just days after being hired by FOX. Still, I remember in the days after the election, and before the Supreme Court decision, a definite change in attitude in the FOX offices. People were defensive because FOX had made the call for Bush, and if they had to eat that, it would be egg on the face of the network. Also, as I know now, most of the staff had voted Republican.

Princess Libby never looked back after leaving the FOX castle behind. She watched as it morphed from a shining castle surrounded by mystery into a black fortress of fire and brimstone, with the large fiery eye of Sean Hannity in the center. Each time she saw it she would shiver, and wonder if any of her friends had made it out of the castle alive, or if they were now chained in a dungeon with an imagine of a donkey burned into their foreheads.

She only thought about them in passing though. After all, she was living happily ever after... in Utah.

17 comments:

FabuLeslie said...

*chills* That was a spooky story! I'm so glad the princess made it out of there in time!! What a terrible, horrible place. I'd like to work on the Daily Show. That would be AWESOME! Although, I'm pretty underqualified, and by that I mean, my only qualifications would be that I have a mega-super-ultra crush on Jon Stewart.

BeckEye said...

Large fiery eye of Sean Hannity, indeed.

dufmanno said...

I curled up in front of a fire to listen to that story! You need to take up archery.

Riot Kitty said...

You deserve a medal. I always worked in newspapers and we heard about how awful the TV personalities were to everyone else at the stations.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

So glad that the princess made it out of there in one piece!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I not only loved this but "the large fiery eye of Sean Hannity" made my whole fricking day. :) I detest that man. Every time I see him on TV I wind up yelling bad words and wanting really badly to punch things. Same with O'Reilly. I'd like to tie them both together and attack them with a giant fire extinguisher. That's the version that won't get me arrested anyway. :)

I once temped at Fox News in NY. The people there were actually really nice, but I didn't get thrown in at the lion end, clearly.

Jules said...

*creepy* I'm glad I didn't read this before bedtime.......

G said...

1) I feel the same way about other news organizations and networks.

2) I like O' Reilly.

3) I don't like Hannity.

4) Fox the network is vastly different from Fox News Channel. I assume you were talking about Fox News Channel.

And the Republicans are gonna regain control of the White House.

Catherine said...

I love fairy tales. Living happily ever after in Utah and far away from those evil dragons sounds wonderful princess Libby. Great post!

Summer said...

That was a very scary story.

BugginWord said...

Wait...you don't agree with the politics of Fox News? But everything is so logical and fact based!

BugginWord said...

Also? Lime green is a flattering color on everyone.

Gina said...

That was a very scary story. I'm glad the Princess survived.

He Said said...

Being a Princess and all did you have to wear a chastity belt while working for Fox?

Kelly said...

Did you have to kiss frogs to make it to Ever After in Utah?

Waiting Lisa said...

I am just glad I didn't read this story before bedtime. I would have had nightmares.

LL Cool Joe said...

Did you have long blonde hair and wear pink?