Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Internet: Not Just For Porn Any More

There is now a dating website for people in relationships looking to cheat.

Yes, you read that right.

No longer do people wanting to step out on their significant others have to prowl through the Craigslist "casual encounters" section, or talk up the office slut. They don't have to head to cheesy bars on the other side of town, and buy daiquiri after daiquiri for the girl they went to high school with whom they have reconnected with on Facebook because she says she is in a "bad marriage." They don't have to hope the new next door neighbor is as easy as she looks. All they have to do is make a profile, sit back, and wait. The site has a 100% "affair guarantee."

Isn't America great?

The site even has "as seen on" listings. Apparently it has been talked about on "Ellen," "Dr. Phil," and "Good Morning America." Of course, they don't say what was said about the site on those shows, because that would be indiscreet. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Phil is part owner of the site. What an easy way to locate future "troubled" talk show guests. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

If the media "endorsements" aren't enough, they also have a celebrity spokesperson. A real winner. Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. Yes, a woman made famous for cuckolding an Oscar winner, and her love for dressing like a Nazi. A woman of such high moral fiber that she said she did Sandra Bullock a "favor" by talking to the press about her affair with Bullock's husband.

I guess Dame Judy Dench was busy.

The best part of the whole site though, I mean apart from the wedding band in the logo, the fact it's named after a call girl who picked her name from a list of 1980's popular baby names, and the blurry "erotic" photo, is one of it's many, many tag lines: "change your life today." I guess that's accurate though. Sign up for an Internet cheating site, and your life will most definitely change, possibly even before zippers come down for the first time. After all, I'm betting the second a spouse or significant finds that page in the browser history (because really, if you are so lazy you use an Internet service to start an affair, you probably aren't great at covering your tracks) things will start changing. Things like bank accounts, addresses, and custody agreements. In some severe cases facial shape and/or genital function could change as well. Some people get really, really mad.

I bet the meaningless sex is really worth it though. Like Internet, "cats playing ping pong," worth it. That's pretty good, right? Right?

19 comments:

just making my way said...

What's really awful - I mean other then the whole thing - is the 100% guaranteed "shield." Good god, it's no wonder people think Americans are awful.

Allison said...

Hmm... I think I found my purpose!

(Totally building off your Avenue Q reference. Unless you weren't making one. In which case, uuummm... I just sounded like a ginormous sleazeball.)

An "affair guarantee"? Huh. The promise of sex sounds more like a cat house. Wonder if they're hiring pimps. I could some extra cash flow... I mean, I'd change my screen name to Big Male Pimpin' Daddy (cuz pimps are guys, right?).

So wrong. The world is full of disgusting things.

Riot Kitty said...

I heard about that. I don't get why people like that are in relationships in the first place!

FabuLeslie said...

"A recent ABC News report stated that 20% of Americans live in sexless marriages so if you thought you were alone - you are very far from it.
Noel Biderman, President and Founder of [the website], says that, 'Some people can accept this fact and live the rest of their lives celibate, but the majority can't.'"

So of course, if you can't live your life celibate, and you're in a sexless relationship, clearly your only logical option is to use this website and cheat on your partner.

What does that mean, 100% guaranteed? Guaranteed that you will find someone as gross as you are, and that someone will have an affair with you? Or guaranteed that you will come down with some sort of terrible disease as a result of this nonsense? Or guaranteed that you will lose your wife and kids?

Dr. Monkey Hussein Monkerstein said...

Crazy.

Hippo Brigade said...

I don't think I could ever have an affair, because I'm a germ freak, and I don't like to smell other people's breath. I'm such a party pooper.

Jules said...

Rock on! I mean, not for me... But I'll ask around if any of my friends need it.

G said...

One of the major networks, who hosting some new marriage show with Dennis Leary (I think) actually approached this website to solicit advertising from them.

Amy Jane said...

unbelievable!

erin said...

Wow. Just wow. Think of all the diseases, people.

Sandra Bullock isn't pissed that she was cheated on, she's pissed that she now has chlamydia.

Dual Mom said...

Ummm yeah, I'm usually a let bygones be bygones type of person, but I have to admit that anyone that would use such a site deserves every disease and divorce lawsuit that is bestowed upon them!

Sam said...

I'm so glad you keep me updated on current events. Now I'm all set for my next cocktail party. :)

BugginWord said...

What do you wanna bet all the angel investors are divorce attorneys?

Summer said...

Yes, America has hit many all time lows in the past 3 years. Have you seen the commercials for the website that boasts hot young girls for old rich guys. BARF.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh. My. God. I don't have anything to say beyond that.

waarons said...

This sounds so much sleazier than DollyMadison.com.

Heather said...

You now what's sick about this site? My husband knew about it and talked about it long before I had a clue what it was. I wonder what that means?

He said he heard about it on Howard Stern. Whatever. Loser.

JenS said...

Nah - the cheater will just tell their spouse, I don't know why that's in my internet history... I must have been drunk googling! DOH.

Waiting Lisa said...

What the hell is wrong with people?!?!