Wednesday, June 2, 2010

No, I Was Drunk

I have done my share of dumb things while drunk. Hell, I am guessing anyone reading this who has been drinking with me has at least one story they are holding on to for when I run for office, or when they need money. However, in recent weeks, all of my drunk exploits have begun to seem plebeian in comparison to those making headlines.

Let's start with the easy one: Ann Curry. You know, the journalist. Yes, I wrote that without laughing -- or at least without laughing a lot. After all she nods like she's a journalist. You see, recently Ann Curry was asked to speak at the graduation at Wheaton College. So, like any good journalist, she looked up past graduates. That's called "research." Of course, she failed to notice that there are in fact TWO Wheaton Colleges in the U.S. -- and that she had researched the wrong one. I guess she missed the "fact checking" day at journalism school.

Her excuse? She was "Googling drunk."

She picked that hairstyle while drunk too..
Oh, and I found the pic on Google. This is the right Ann Curry, right?


She acted like she was kidding, but I think we all know she wasn't. After all, why do you think all of her ex-boyfriends started Twittering about weird hang ups on their answering machines the next day. Don't worry, Ann, we've all been there. Just don't expect a call from either University of Miami next spring.

Of course, Curry's exploits pale in comparison with those of Sarah, the Drunkess of York. She claims the only reason she offered to sell access to her ex-husband was because she had "been drinking." She made the admission on the Oprah Winfrey show -- for which I am sure she got paid -- so she must have been stoned or doing 'shrooms when she agreed to that.

The really obvious sign she was drinking at the time of the sting though, was the fact she though access to Prince Andrew was worth 500k. I opened a Diet Pepsi the other day and found a lunch with the Prince under the lid. Then I threw the lid away. Maybe next time they should put that prize under a screw cap on wine.

Those arms a product of Shiraz and smokes. Trust me.

I think instead of blaming the misstep on drinking though, Fergie should have blamed it on Weight Watchers. Do you know how many points are in a glass of wine? Two. Do you know how many points a woman Fergie's size gets a day? Eighteen. So, she probably had a long day, was meeting a complete stranger who may or may not be carrying a tape recorder, and decided to spend her points on booze instead of food. This is why WW isn't really the "lifestyle" for everyone -- especially fallen duchesses.

Now if only Lindsey Lohan could blame something embarrassing on being drunk. I mean, other than her career.

20 comments:

Riot Kitty said...

LMAO about this post! Thanks...

Kim said...

I heard that a bodysuit that snaps at the crotch like an adult onesie would be a good wardrobe choice for you when drinking.

Jules said...

That's why I quit WW. How can anyone EAT and DRINK on that program? Impossible!!

By the way, think it's ok if I drink on my way to work today???

Granny Annie said...

I followed a trial once where the defendant was found not guilty by reason of drug induced insanity. He blew his girlfriends head off with a shotgun and the girl's parents got to watch him walk out of the courtroom a free man. Sentenced to two years in a mental hospital, he had been there two years awaiting trial, so time served, he was home free the day the trial ended. We can drink, do drugs, commit wrongs and stroll hand-in-hand with our defense attorneys in a short period of time. Why not use the "I was drunk" defense? It works for everyone. Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! If this comment is crazy it is because I am drunk.

Kelly said...

If I had only known that this was a valid excuse for all my "mistakes" I'd have surely used it by now! Good grief. Drunken googling. What's next?

just making my way said...

So what you're implying is that I shouldn't be drunk right now? Or that it's okay as long as I'm not giving a graduation speech or trying to be on WW? So confused.

Heather said...

Mmmmm, shrooms.

Catherine said...

I guess I'm lucky that one drink puts me to sleep. I'm too busy snoozing to do anything stupid other that drool on my pillow.

Mouthy Housewife said...

Last time I Googled drunk, I got pregnant.

Michelle @ Flying Giggles said...

OMG, this is too funny. When drunk, stay off the internet and off your phone!

She Said said...

Oooh! New invention! Create a breathalyzer for computers.

What? If you don't help me, I'm releasing the photos of you drunk last weekend.

Sam said...

That is hilarious about Ann Curry!

But don't be hatin' on WW. Also, a glass of wine is only 2 points. ;) And lettuce is free! :)

for a different kind of girl said...

Fergie should have banked some of her activity points for those bottles of wine she enjoyed. She might have still made an error in judgment, but maybe it would have made her realize the true value of someone third in line for the throne, which I think is about as much as the cost of a Happy Meal. Just the hamburger one. Chicken nuggets cost more.

Her said...

Wild--the internet and alcohol just do not mix. Apparently alcohol and royalty don't either?

Dunc said...

Don't mess with my Ann Curry!

Amanda said...

I just want to know what Lindsey Lohan can credit to being sober? Pretty much nothing.

Googling drunk? She must have had tons of respect for THAT speaking engagement.

FabuLeslie said...

Sooo funny! I have to find that video of Ann Curry that I love that they show on The Soup all the time and post it linking up to you. So funny! Wait. I already said that? Oh sorry. I got excited.

FabuLeslie said...

Watchin Fergie on Oprah now. I posted about Ann Curry with a link to you today. Thanks for the inspiration!

Eternally Distracted said...

Arghh the Duchess, good ol' Fergie... yep, she really did it this time and I thought the toe-sucking incident was bad!!

Some of us Brits are nicer... I promise ;0)

mylittlebecky said...

the weight watchers part made me almost pee.