Thursday, March 18, 2010

No One Gets My Books

Writing a will is nearly as exciting as I thought it would be.

When I was a kid I would look around my room and decide who would get what if I unexpectedly croaked. Once or twice I even wrote a cursory list in my journal. I would picture my friends and loved ones going through my things, crying with grief and joy when they learned they had been bequeathed my favorite Depeche Mode poster, or learned in my absence they would be kept company by my pet newts. I could see my sister roiling with jealousy when she learned she got none of my cassette tapes. Yeah, I was a morbid little shit, and vindictive too.

Once I got older I didn't really think about my will. I figured I didn't have anything anyone wanted, and as long as my Mother didn't clean out my apartment, or have to go through my bank statements (I had a little credit card debt), all would be well. I actually remember one night when I almost got hit by a car thinking "oh, man, thank God I didn't die owing American Express. Mom would be pissed."

Now, I actually have a will. Ryan and I decided to get one after Meg was born. And that's pretty much what it is: getting a will. We didn't have to sit down and discuss anything, or make lists of our possessions, or decide who to leave out so that our wrath can be felt from beyond the grave.

There was no writing of heartfelt tributes, or giving of explanation as to why Tara gets one, but not both of my monkey earrings.

No making someone spend the night in our basement where the ghost lives in order to get our silverware.

All we had to do was call our friend Ben, and ask him to draw up a will. He did -- a basic whoever dies first leaves everything to the other, and once we're both gone Meg gets it all. We have to pick a trustee, sign some papers, make sure Ben didn't put in any clauses about the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then it will all be done. Nice and legal. And boring.

I guess this is the best thing. I mean, after all, we're adults, and the most important thing is making sure our daughter is taken care of in the long run. We're really lucky we have a friend who is a fantastic lawyer who is helping us do that. And it's not like any of our friends or family are really going to be wishing we had left them the "Devil Baby" artwork instead of Meg. Still, it makes me yearn for the excitement I pictured in a will when I was young, and stupid.

Maybe I'll write a secret will and hide it somewhere. Then I'll leave a series of cunning clues as to where it is...

Oh, that would piss Ryan off so much. Piss him off from beyond the grave.

I think the first clue should have something to do with llamas.

18 comments:

erin said...

LLAMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Max is obsessed with the Llama Llama series (look it up, Libby).

I always think about how everything would go to shit if I were dead. So I'm really careful all the time. About not dying.
And I'm obviously really ego maniacal as well.

Summer said...

I'm so selfish. If I could take it all with me, I would. Hmmm. I'm thinking a tomb, perhaps pyramid would be great. It sounds fancy.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Can I have the cassettes?

Riot Kitty said...

I want to read whatever you write about llamas. I saw some in person and they scared the living shit out of me!

She Said said...

Damn it, someone already called dibs on the cassettes!

Kelly said...

I know that my husband would start throwing everything away if I were dead. He is a neat freak to the extreme. When we met, he had a couch, and a TV in his living room. An ironing board and his bed in his bedroom. He owned almost nothing. I guess it's a good thing that I'm not going to die, I don't want my stuff getting thrown out.

Adoption of Jane said...

I will do a dance off for the cassette tapes!

Melistress said...

I have an unusual obsession with the Llama that lives just down the road from me. If you used him as a clue, that would really throw them off.

I always wonder what is going to happen to all of my damn yarn after I'm gone.

Amanda said...

Since I never did get any of your cassette tapes, can I have the Devil Baby artwork? Please? Please?
That & the painting of your old neighborhood in DC. I will feed your cats for you - and make sure Sally has a good home.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

My mother apparently has a list attached to her will deciding who she wants to have certain items like jewelry and some other stuff. I have yet to think like this. My 3 will just have to get together and fight it out or throw it out.

Sam said...

Good for you. I cringe that we still don't have wills. Or life insurance. Who the hell vetted us as parents?

Captain Dumbass said...

I like the way you think. And my boys had better learn to love reading or I'm going to bed buried with all my damn books, regardless of how much it will cost for a plot that big. I'll be dead so I won't care.

Patty O. said...

Definitely! There's nothing better than getting the last laugh, and seeing as how you would be dead, it would be next to impossible for him to seek retribution.

Selma said...

I have a couple of first editions I know my sister would try and get off my son if I were to kick the bucket anytime soon. They're really the only valuable things I have. I must make a will. However, I do plan to leave my cassettes to a museum or something. No way those babies are going to end up in landfill. They're classics. And they still play!

mylittlebecky said...

i totally did that too when i was little, leaving nothing to my dad or sister. that'll show 'em!

ps your baby? SO FREAKIN' ADORABLE!!! :)

G said...

You should make a backup video will, so that when the time comes, you can get the last word in.

just making my way said...

I would take really good care of your Depeche Mode poster. Just sayin.

I save everything. My poor kids are going to have to slog through boxes of random papers from a million years ago that have no relevance to anything. Ha-Ha!

Rassles said...

Dude, I totally have an unofficial will all printed out where I assign my crap to people. It makes me giddy.