I have not eaten broccoli in more than 20 years.
The last time one of those tree like devils passed my lips I was either 12 or 13, had a bad perm (is there a good one?), and was helping my Mom prepare for one of her Saturday night Trivial Pursuit parties. "Solid Gold Saturday Night" was on the hi-fi, and we were laying out the weekly bounty of vegetables, pretzels and cheese, and TWO types of M&Ms. There was no such thing as fancy "pre-cut" veggie trays in those days, so we were cutting up carrots, celery, cauliflower, and BROCCOLI. I had liked cooked broccoli in the past, so I dipped a piece in ranch dressing (the cure all for any food) and popped it in my mouth. It was delicious. Like a forest of flavor bursting on my tongue. I popped another piece in my mouth, this time sans dressing. It was even better. I ate more, and more, and more, and more. I was like a broccoli eating machine. There was nothing I wanted to do more than eat broccoli, and eating broccoli was what I was going to do.
I spent the night writhing in pain on the floor of the bathroom. I swore that night that if God made the pain go away I would fight against broccoli dominance in the world.
I did just that, for more than two decades. I refused to eat anything with broccoli in it. I turned down soup, souffles, quiche, and veggie mixes. On the night we got engaged I was served broccoli on a pasta dish and told the waiter I was allergic to send it back. Ryan disputed my claim, and made me just put it to the side. I was furious -- until I saw the ring.
When Meg was born I vowed I would try broccoli again, because I never want her to think she can dismiss a food out of hand. So, tonight, as I was mushing some up for her, I ate a piece. It was really good. Like, better than I remembered. It could have been the mizithra cheese on it, but really, it was good. I ate four more pieces. I figured I had been mistaken about broccoli, and all was forgiven.
Then I came home and drank half a bottle of Pepto while I prayed for death.
Damn you broccoli. Fool me once? Shame on you. Fool me twice? Yeah, just go to hell.