Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Green Menace

I have not eaten broccoli in more than 20 years.

The last time one of those tree like devils passed my lips I was either 12 or 13, had a bad perm (is there a good one?), and was helping my Mom prepare for one of her Saturday night Trivial Pursuit parties. "Solid Gold Saturday Night" was on the hi-fi, and we were laying out the weekly bounty of vegetables, pretzels and cheese, and TWO types of M&Ms. There was no such thing as fancy "pre-cut" veggie trays in those days, so we were cutting up carrots, celery, cauliflower, and BROCCOLI. I had liked cooked broccoli in the past, so I dipped a piece in ranch dressing (the cure all for any food) and popped it in my mouth. It was delicious. Like a forest of flavor bursting on my tongue. I popped another piece in my mouth, this time sans dressing. It was even better. I ate more, and more, and more, and more. I was like a broccoli eating machine. There was nothing I wanted to do more than eat broccoli, and eating broccoli was what I was going to do.

I spent the night writhing in pain on the floor of the bathroom. I swore that night that if God made the pain go away I would fight against broccoli dominance in the world.

I did just that, for more than two decades. I refused to eat anything with broccoli in it. I turned down soup, souffles, quiche, and veggie mixes. On the night we got engaged I was served broccoli on a pasta dish and told the waiter I was allergic to send it back. Ryan disputed my claim, and made me just put it to the side. I was furious -- until I saw the ring.

When Meg was born I vowed I would try broccoli again, because I never want her to think she can dismiss a food out of hand. So, tonight, as I was mushing some up for her, I ate a piece. It was really good. Like, better than I remembered. It could have been the mizithra cheese on it, but really, it was good. I ate four more pieces. I figured I had been mistaken about broccoli, and all was forgiven.

Then I came home and drank half a bottle of Pepto while I prayed for death.

Damn you broccoli. Fool me once? Shame on you. Fool me twice? Yeah, just go to hell.

15 comments:

Dual Mom said...

The same thing happens to me with raw cauliflower.

Summer said...

The hell? I can't believe it does that to you. Broccoli is YUMMY!

just making my way said...

My husband makes the best broccoli ever. EVER.

I also love cream of broccoli soup. Except for the fact that it kind of smells like farts.

Riot Kitty said...

Did you ever see the Family Guy episode where Stewie (infant) decides to wipe out all broccoli? "Broccoli! Mother says you're good for me - but I'm not good for YOU!"

I hate food allergies and I hate it when others don't take them seriously. I once had a conversation with a waiter about an allergy, and he disputed there was the said offender in my meal (which clearly smelled of it), and I said, "OK, how's this - you can take it back, or you can watch me throw up." Guess what he did?

rcd2 said...

[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

rcd2 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aunt Juicebox said...

Oh you poor thing! It sounds like you really are allergic and should avoid eating it. I sometimes get a stomach ache from chicken breast. It doesn't happen every time, but I'm sure it's the chicken. Can't figure it out.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Aw, I'm so sorry. I also love broccoli, but I think you better stay away for life.

Adoption of Jane said...

HAHAHA I can't believe you O.D.'d on Brocolli!

Melistress said...

You might have an allergy. Or a sensitivity anyway. Broccoli, although chock full of goodness, is also a goitrogen, not good for your thyroid in some circumstances.

I love broccoli too but, like you, end up in the bathroom having eaten it.

http://www.ithyroid.com/goitrogens.htm

Sam said...

So, are you allergic or what? That's scary. I love broccoli, but I might end up like you if I had to eat asparagus. Ick.

Hippo Brigade said...

So it's not that broccoli doesn't taste good, right? It just gives you a case of the shits? That sucks. Maybe you really are allergic to it.

Dunc said...

Are you my husband?

Amy said...

It can be an allergic reaction. It's a delayed reaction that can occur as the food breaks down, the reaction happens in the stomach. I have it with garlic. Yeah, I know it sucks. I'll bet you a basket of Gilroy's Garlic Fries that if you got tested, you would show an allergy.

Kim said...

WHO THE HELL IS ALLERGIC TO BROCCOLI???

You concocted this as a child, didn't you?