Sunday, May 17, 2009

House Hunting Horrors

Every young couple has that day when they venture out into the world of real estate to buy their first home, and then retreat in horror after seeing the shit that is for sale. When Ryan and I first started looking for a home four years ago we started out with such high hopes -- that vanished after the first three houses we saw. We were almost positive we were either going to have to sell our kidneys, or settle on a home with slanting floors, shag carpet and "wood" paneling. It was like a miracle when we finally found our house. When Tara and Kent were looking for a home last year they were pretty sure they were either going to have to take a two bedroom (they wanted three), or move into a neighborhood where bars on the windows aren't just a fashion statement. Eventually though, they found the house perfect for them, just like we did.

Now it is my friend Lesli's turn to find a home, and she is facing the same horrors Tara and I, and all other house hunters have faced. However, unlike us, she took along a camera, and a sense of humor. So, Lesli, take it away and show us what you found...

This was pretty much a ginormous wood cabin in the middle of residential Orem.
Smelled like a sauna on the outside and a brewery on the inside.

This bedroom is where they kept the bad kids. Why else would they move the door handle so high?

I'm going to take a wild guess they did their ironing in this room.

Besides the beer cans in every room, there was a much more "tasteful" display of "vintage" alcohol bottles here.
Can you say "White Trash"?

A former in-ground trampoline pit, or should I say, child death-trap.

Don't bother doing laundry before you show the home or anything.

This room was made for me!

If the Jim Carey autograph comes with the house I'm sold!

A FULL LENGTH SUPER WIDE mirror IN THE SHOWER!! I don't know what's scarier,
the thought of looking at myself naked everyday or washing the stupid thing.

Industrial soap dispenser in the bathroom. Why didn't I think of that?

Industrial toilet paper dispenser. Now we're talking!

It's nice to know that while the housing market may fluctuate, the quality of the houses do not. There will always be an abundance of "fixer uppers" available that really should be called "tearer downers." And they will always be shown to young couples in the hopes they will fall for the delusion that a crap house is all they can afford. Hang in there, Lesli, there are better homes out there, and your perfect home is out there. Oh, and once you find it, Ryan and I have a ton of "vintage" wine bottles you can have to class up the place...

8 comments:

Princess Consuela Bananahammock said...

The Pink Room. Rawr. Tres chic.

Janine said...

Now, now. I don't think you wrote in your gratitude journal today!

Why a man with no eyes would love to see the tasteless display of empty middle shelf liquor bottles. The man with no nose would love to smell the beer and dirty laundry.

Course if either of these guys were born into a family like this they'd be locked in an attic room and chained to a pink bed with nothing to look at (this applies to the guy with no nose because you know the blind guy always has nothing to look at) but an autographed picture of Jim Carrey but that's another story for another day....

Lesli said...

Love it Libby! Thanks for the advice! I'll let you know if I find anymore horrors to share.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

That is hilarous. Though if I found a house with a tampon dispenser on the wall, I think I'd have to buy it.

Heather said...

Priceless!

Greg du Pille said...

Great post!

The industrial toilet dispenser was probably amn attempt at coping with the inevitable consequences of lack of cleanliness and over abundance of alcohol!

She Said said...

Hey, who said you could come in my house!?

Jayme said...

...just decided to take a peek from Sandi's blog and I have to say....this home tour was worth it! Amazing how people live? Very strange house! the door handle?? Wierd!