Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Children's Name Crusade

The other day I was listening to NPR (yes, I am that smart) and there was a piece about a young couple that were able to buy their first home because of the recession. They were happy about this because they had just had their first child. A boy. Named Brailey.

I actually had to go and look at the transcript to make sure I heard the name correctly. Then I had to look it up in all of the online baby name dictionaries. Turns out that the name
Brailey has a storied history dating back back to 2007 and means "man who gets beaten up the schoolyard, and never gets laid." It was then that I found my new mission in life: to stop parents from giving their kids douchey names.

I first noticed the douche name phenomenon four years ago when people started naming their children after professions. Hunter, Forrester,
Driver (spelled Dryvver, making him doubly screwed), Walker. I swear to god I heard a woman yelling for her child the other day calling him "Worker." I really hoped her other child was named "Management."

The names have only gotten worse since then, because they have not only gotten more obscure, but also more strangely spelled. Take for
example the name Caden. On it's own, it seems to be the name of a boy even I could beat up. However, spelled Kayden, Kaiden, Caiden, Cayden, Kaidyn, Caideen, or Kaedyn, it is the name of a child who will need therapy, if only for the fact he will never be able to find a mug with his name on it.

Boys are not the only ones plagued by the bad name problem. Sophie may be name that is taking over the nation, but at least it is a name. The other day I wrote a piece where the child's name was
Ovarie. The information I was given didn't say if she had siblings, or if one was named Testies, but I can only guess. Also, what about the names given to girls that just seem like whatever their mothers screamed out during birth? Symonoria. Annerderia. Shayronia. Yes, these are all real names. And all of these children should be allowed to sue their parents.

So, this is my new crusade in life. I am going to approach all pregnant women and make sure they are not giving their children dumb names. If they are, I will either turn them into CPS, or the
Scientologists. After all, they accepted someone who named their child Suri. I have already started with the people I work with, who all responded that they like classic names. All of them looked a little scared while talking to me, but I think they were telling the truth.

As God as my witness I will never meet another
Lavandarie or Bronco again.


Lyndsay said...

At the dog park the other day, I encountered a woman whose children were named Tiger and Saber (spelling unknown, but surely they are spelled more creatively than my guesses). These poor kids were terrified of dogs, and for good reason.

My word verification is Hoterson - a new baby name to add to the list! :)

soulmoxie said...

ha,ha. I am completely sick of all these dumb names too!! I have friend's thay have named their children hunter, skylar, and sevin.

I have been planning my girl (if I am lucky enought to have one) Neva for as long as I can remember - named after my great grandmother who loved to be 100. I was superbly pissed off when "Neveah" hit the top 50 names because it is heaven spelled backwards. argg. I don't want my child thinking I named it something stupid!

I will sponsor your crusade!

Amanda said...

The trend seems to be throwing in as many y's or x's as possible.
They obviously missed the memo about how that is to be the right of the said kid when he/she becomes a teenager - and does not know that such acts will haunt him/her for the rest of his/her life.


Rachel said...

I once worked with a girl who named her daughter Tyranny...and....she had no idea what the word meant :(
personally I went with apparently popular dog names. My next child will be Spike or Spot

(my code word is Sparle...

rockandcookies said...

Made-up names are rotten, I whole heartedly agree. Made-up spellings are worse. Spellings with heritage are bad enough, but at least they can be explained. When I was little, I couldn't have barrettes or pencils with my name on them because "Aimee" is too rare a spelling. I hated my parents for that. In high school, I got asked "Did you change the spelling of your name to be more alternative?" I hated my classmates for that. As an adult, spelling out "A-I-M-Double-E" makes me memorable and I appreciate it. The evil part of me repeated the curse on my daughter. Her name is spelled the old German way rather than the common spelling and just like me, she wouldn't be "Her" if her name was "Laura"

Anonymous said...

Personally I think it's a hormonal thing. Surely most sane people don't go through life hoping they have a girl to call Apple. We just shouldn't be allowed to name children for at least 6 months after giving birth.

Karlyn said...

I am with you on this.

Having named two children myself, I know how hard it is to come up with a name....especially when you are pregnant. But still....

I've SORT OF come to the conclusion, name your kid whatever the crap you want. It is your kid, so I guess it is your decision, but please for the love of all that is holy SPELL IT CORRECTLY!

Oh, and by the way, I know a family that name their daughter Braelee, she goes by Brae.

I could go on for hours (I feel like I am being literal) of all the crazy names and spellings that I have run into since having children of my own.

Emily-Ione said...

Utah is worse than other places I think....I don't see as many weird names here in Mn, or in NY.

I give you http://wesclark.com/ubn/ - the Utah Baby Namer Website....
Have a peek. It will curl your hair.

We make fun of it at work... we al have Utah names...mine is VulvaMae. No I'm not kidding.

Cate said...

Optimus Prime is a wonderful and powerful name for a child.

Logical Libby said...

Woah, didn't realize the firestorm I would set off here. But where is the opposition? Surely, someone who reads this blog must have a child named Sapien, or Alaranza...