Monday, April 20, 2009

Save A Fashion Victim

The economy is bad. We all know it. Oh, and you if don't know it, this must be the only thing you read on the Internet. While I appreciate your loyalty, I think you should branch out. Really though, things are not looking good on the financial front, and the retail sector is being extremely hard hit. In fact, according to the website 24/7 Wall Street more than a dozen well known companies could be out of business by the end of 2010. Now, normally I wouldn't care, I hate shopping and I enjoy watching people fail, but this time I am very concerned. You see, I could soon have to go naked -- all the time.

I, like most midgets, find it extremely hard to find clothing that fits me, that I like, and that doesn't make me look like a lesbian circus clown. After years and years of trying out different looks, dabbling in skirts, dresses, pants and, for one awful moment, jumpers, I found my perfect mix -- jeans and v-neck t-shirts. Yes, I know it sounds boring, but you would be amazed at how I can vary it, and make it seem like I am not wearing the exact same thing day after day. Different colors, different materials, slightly different styles, I use all of these to fool those around me, and make it appear like I have some sense of style. There are only two variables that never change: the jeans are from Old Navy, and the shirts are from Eddie Bauer. And both of those companies are on the list of companies most likely to fail.

Oh, and as if it weren't bad enough that my pants and shirts soon won't be available, 24/7 Wall Street says I won't even have shoes to wear! Yep, Crocs is expected to go out of business as well. I'm sure that will bring great joy to all of the fashionistas, and my sisters, but for me, a person with flat feet who is caused pain by every other pair of shoes I own, it's a tragedy. Yes, Crocs are ugly. Yes, they make every one who wears them look like the offspring of a Dutchman and a Smurf. Damnit though, they make me happy, and anything that makes me happy should be seen as a boon to mankind.

I am urging you, please, support these businesses. Buy something from Old Navy, even if it's just one of their crappy tank tops that only fit fetuses. Buy some
Crocs, if only to burn them and send the pictures to "I Hate Crocs" websites. Do it for me. Do it for the economy. Do it for the children. Trust me, you really don't want them to see me naked.


Cate said...

Thank the Lord, my prayers have been answered. The rubber menace is finally destined to fail!!

Rudi said...

You could go the Steve Jobs route: stock up on the stuff you like in bulk, keep it in cold storage, and break out the NOS stuff as things wear out.

I'd miss Old Navy, too, as they're the only retailer who sells jeans that fit me well (36" inseam folk are routinely shows to the "mail order only at suggested retail" column) at a price that isn't insanely high. Guess I need to spend some of the money I don't have (thank you, oh wonderful dentist who doesn't take insurance) on some ON goodness.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I so have this covered. I love Eddie Bauer, Old Navy and Crocs. It's pretty much where I spend 98% of our family's clothing budget.