Wednesday, October 15, 2008

STFU

There are millions of chat rooms on the Internet. I mean, really, you name a hobby/condition/obsession/fetish and there are at least seventy "forums" for each one. And all of them have been infiltrated by porn spam ads. But that isn't my point. My point is the fact that these chat rooms have a varying degree of annoyance about them. Weight Watchers? Extremely high. Mechanical Engineering? Low, boring, but low. Scrapbooking? I shudder to think. Without a doubt though, the most annoying chat rooms are filled with women trying to conceive.

Ryan and I are among the couples trying to conceive right now. We don't talk about it a lot, just enough to make everyone uncomfortable. But the women in these chat rooms? That is ALL they talk about. Yes, I realize that they are in trying to conceive chat rooms, so that is what they should be talking about, but I have a feeling these women are like this in real life too. One reason? They all seem to know each other. They start and then pick up conversations. Gross conversations, like about cervical mucus. I don't even like to discuss cervical mucus with my doctor. If she wants to talk about it I make her send me a registered letter. At least then I have time to prepare myself.

Another reason? They speak in short hand. Annoying short hand. For instance: BD. What, you ask, is BD? "Baby Dance." Oh, if that isn't clear enough for you (it wasn't for me), it actually means sex. Yes, these women can talk about mucus, but they can't type intercourse. Also, every partner is referred to as "DH," for "Dear Husband." First of all, that assumes that everyone has a husband, and not a boyfriend, or lover, or turkey baster involved in the process. Also, why does the husband always have to be "dear?" I love my husband, but sometimes he is a real jerk. Also, why can't he have a name? All of the women have names (even if they are just lame handles like wannbeamomma54), so why can't their partners have names? You know, something like "slowswimmerz24."


I know you must be wondering why I know so much about these forums if they annoy me so much. Two words: Dr. Google. Every time I have a question about anything I always Google it, and it works to find deals on boots, so why not trust it for medical advice? And every time I Google anything fertility related at least one of these forums comes up. And I get sucked in. Then I wonder if I really want to breed if these are the people who will be the parents of my child's potential playmates. Because if that's the case I am going to get my tubes tied right now.

I think I might have to start a forum for women trying to conceive that don't suck. Women who can type out whole words, and use details, but know when too much information is being given. Women who don't always like their husbands, and who understand that the prospect of giving up wine is not exactly a good thing. Women who want to get pregnant, but at the same time like their lives, are a little freaked about the actual idea of a baby, and realize that having a child, while an exciting proposition, is not the holy grail of womanhood.

I wonder if chat rooms for pregnant women are even more annoying? God, I hope not. I have a bad feeling about that though...

7 comments:

Amanda said...

It gets progressively worse as gestation wears on. It reaches its pinnacle once the child is born. With the veil of internet anonymity, internet mothers resemble something of a heard of badgers. Rabid badgers. Are you breastfeeding? If not, then just know YOUR CHILD WILL DIE! Are you practicing attachment parenting in the method of Dr. Sears? If not, then just know YOUR CHILD WILL DIE! Get my gist? Hormonal women should not have internet access. If you think drunk e-mailing your ex is bad, just wait until you want to online out-parent some poor woman out in cyberspace...

Amanda said...

http://palinaspresident.com/

Emily-Ione said...

Neither you or Mandy are helping me want to be a mom...

Ellen said...

LOVE the title to this post.

Yes. As Amanda says... they do get progressively worse.

However, I always found myself drawn to them. For every wacko comment... there is one really good one. And if you have some TOTALLY random question that you can't imagine asking anyone OUT LOUD... they are the perfect forum. I joined an iVillage community for the duration of my pregnancy and found it addicting, humiliating, entertaining and highly informative!

Just beware at work. It's always dangerous when you work in an office full of men (especially ONE VERY LOUD MAN, and you know who I'm talking about) and you suddenly realize he's peering over your shoulder as you peruse the "Is this mucus normal?" thread. Uh huh.

Valerie said...

Please tell me what the STFU means...

Logical Libby said...

Shut the fuck up.

Catherine V said...

OMG, you are woman after my own heart. I thought I was the only one who had all these thoughts. Came to your blog via several blogs via Resolve. Am enjoying your blog, and your daughter is just adorable. And, thank you for adopting, it's such an important thing to do.