Breeders

Mother's Day is a fucking horrible holiday when you are trying to conceive. It feels like Hallmark and Kay Jewelers and all of their minions have conspired to remind you that everyone else in the world can get pregnant -- and that you probably just aren't doing it right. This is my second Mother's Day while waiting for that second blue line to appear. Most of the time I think I am pretty upbeat about it. I'm honest with people about what is going on, but I try not to whine about it, except with a few chosen people who probably wish they weren't so chosen. Trust me, there are plenty of people out there whining enough for me and everyone else in the history of the world who might have trouble conceiving. Don't believe me? Just do a search for "infertility" in Google blog search. You'll wish you didn't.

But tonight I am looking at the bright side of things. The "disposable income" side of things. And so, I give you this week's List of Five...

The Five Best Things About Being Childless

1. Sleep I slept until 10 o'clock this morning. And then Ryan came back to bed and we didn't actually get up until 11. There is no one on the planet with children who got to do that -- unless they used large amounts of NyQuil and Duct Tape. I can also go to bed whenever I want, or stay out as late as I want without worrying about babysitters, or school days, or DCFS knocking at my door. Yes, the later I stay out the better the chance Sally will destroy all of my shoes, but I will never have to pay for therapy to listen to her bitch about how I always left her alone.

2. Food Ryan and I like to eat like adults. We never have to resort to nuggets, or "a-ronis" or meals that only contain things that can be wrapped in a tortilla. Also, if I don't want to eat my vegetables I don't have to, because I don't have to set a good example for anyone.

3. Love I really do feel blessed that Ryan and I have had this time to just be together. I feel we know each other, and like each other, more than we would have if we had started having children soon after our marriage. I think it will make us better parents in the long run -- if I don't talk myself out of ever trying again by the time I finish this list... Oh, and we can have sex whenever we want. And we do.

4. Money Yes, I spend money on children -- quite a bit actually. I love buying things for our nieces and nephews. However, I spend maybe a fourth of what I would if we had a kid full time. You see, I don't have to buy school clothes, or diapers, or food, or worry about college tuition -- so I can purchase a new "Power Ranger" or "My Pretty Pony" every now and then. Oh, and sometimes I actually buy those for the kids too...

5. Wine As I write this I am drinking a glass of wine. I might even drink the whole bottle. Hell, I might drink two. And the only person who will pay for it? Me. Yes, I will feel like shit in the morning and wonder all day why I chose to injure myself with Fume Blanc, but I won't have to worry that I have endangered anyone else, or scarred anyone for life. Well, maybe Ryan, but he's tough.

6. My Brain I do not have to listen to the Wiggles, or the Jonas Brothers, or Mylie Cyrus. I do not own a single "Baby Einstein" or "Barney" DVD. I can listen to a full hour of NPR without anyone complaining. Ryan and I can sit down and watch an entire move with subtitles. I am able to blog about something other than kids. In fact, my brain is in such good shape that I have come with a sixth item for my list of five.

Now, I'm sure there are some of you out there who are saying "oh, look at poor Libby trying to cover up her pain by dwelling on the selfish aspects of being childless." Yeah, well, bite me. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'll think about it when I'm sipping my fourth margarita while in Mexico next month, while trying to decide which extremely fragile and extremely expensive object d'art to take home and put on a low shelf.

Happy Mother's Day!