River Rat

Utah has a long and illustrious history of people setting out to conquer the mighty rivers that snake through the west. John Wesley Powell is obviously the most famous, having tied himself to a pole on a raft and taken off in a syphilitic frenzy down the Colorado. Then of course there were General William Ashley, Haldane "Buzz" Holmstrom and Amos Burg (really, I looked them up). And now there is another name to add to their midst -- Libby Mitchell. This Sunday I took on, and successfully conquered the might Provo river. And I did it all with a beer in one hand.

I have to admit the expedition was not my idea. The man with the plan was my friend Burk. He had assembled a rag tag group of adventurers earlier in the summer to tackle the river and wanted to do it again. So, he called on the bravest, and least busy souls among us to join his crew, which ended up being me, Ryan and Jason.


We got up early in the morning, setting out to find crafts worthy of taking on the rapids. I wanted to hew a boat out of one of the trees in Liberty Park, but Ryan suggested getting inner tubes at Big 5 instead. I also found an excellent river running hat, which I will not be posting a picture of here. I was worried about supplies and wanted to stock up on freeze dried foods and water purification tablets, but Ryan insisted all we would need was beer for an hour and a half river trip. Turned out he was right. I married a very smart man.

All the way to the river Jason and Burk talked about how cold the water was going to be when we got in. At least, I think that's what they talked about, we were in separate cars. I do know they were talking about it a lot before we left, and that I really thought I was going to have to listen to griping about cold penises the entire time.

Ready to float.

The water turned out to be fine. Actually a little on the warmish side. And our crafts were quite water worthy. Ryan and I decided to float int he venerable "River Rats," while Burk had a small Coleman raft and Jason rigged a contraption of a water chair and river rat foot stool. He looked very comfortable. We floated and talked and drank beer and stared at the trees and mountains and the bright blue sky. It was so relaxing that I didn't even see the rock in front of me until it was halfway into my hip. I now have a bruise on my ass the size of a cantaloupe. I won't be posting a picture of that either.

Like all great expeditions our eventually had to come to an end. The Other End. That's the bar in Heber where we went for burgers after we were done conquering the river. A perfect end to a perfect day.

Next time I'm floating it blindfolded.