All clear

I think I have mentioned before that Ryan and I are on the baby track. Actually I know I've mentioned it before because it seems to be a big part of my thoughts and therefore my conversations as of late. However, for the past ten months of trying we have not gotten pregnant. My mother, Ryan and my doctor have all said I should just relax and not worry about it, but that's like asking the Pope not to make sweeping decisions about morality. For the past three months I have suspected that there must be something terribly wrong with my reproductive parts. Then I started reading the book Middlesex and became convinced of it. I was sure that I had undescended testicles in place of ovaries, or a dragon where my uterus should be. Finally, my doctor suggested I go and get a test done to make sure everything was in working order.

I went to the hospital on Tuesday to get the test -- taking my Mother along for the ride because Ryan (conveniently) is at debate camp. The test I had is called a hysterosalpingogram -- or HSG for those who really don't like saying complicated medical words. It's an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes and NOT a really good time. Of course, before I could even have the test I go to do the prerequisite hour of waiting in a hospital gown, surrounded by sick and elderly people, reading back issues of Woman's Day and Reader's Digest. Both of those magazine shave humor sections -- and neither is remotely funny. I did pick up some great ideas for festive pasta salads though.

After all of my dignity had seeped out of the back of my gown it was time for the exam. I tried to be strong and told my mother I could go through it alone. Then they explained what they were actually going to do and I started calling "Mommy." You see, in order to x-ray my uterus and fallopian tubes dye needed to be injected, and there's really only one way to inject it. I think you know what that is. So, not only was I going to get the radiation of an x-ray, but also the embarrassment of a pelvic exam. Oh, and the added bonus of pain.

Before injecting the dye the Physician's Assistant said I might feel a "pinch." I think he may have never been pinched before, because this was more of an excruciating pain. It felt as if someone had replaced my lower abdomen with a large block of pain. Add that to the fact I had a full bladder (a requirement for this lovely test) and you can understand why I ate a grimace from a Greek tragedy pasted on my face. Seeing my discomfort my Mom grabbed my hand and said these words "please don't blog about this." Oh, well, too late.

I have to say that for all the pain it was pretty cool to see my uterus and fallopian tubes on the screen. Although it's true the x-ray does make them look ten pounds heavier. The female reproductive system looks very little like the textbook diagrams we are all used to. The tubes don't come neatly off the sides of the uterus to gently hold the ovaries, they twist and turn all over the place. One of mine bends towards my back. And the PA said it's perfectly normal. Actually, he said that everything going on down there is perfectly normal. It may be the only normal thing about me.

Now we're back to the waiting game. I have nothing to worry about. I just need to relax. And you have no idea how anxious that makes me...