Prom Night

This past Friday night -- I went to the prom. No, I have not taken up with a 15 year old in a random attempt to recapture my youth. I was a chaperon. Let me repeat that. I was the one making sure no one caused any trouble. Go ahead laugh, I'll wait...

Are you done?

Ryan and I had agreed to chaperon the prom months ago when I assumed I would be too pregnant to drink any more and would need some kind of comedic distraction. However, the prom rolled around, I still was not pregnant and I found myself more in need of a drink than ever. Because high school kids are just like they were when I was in high school -- only now I'm not desperately trying to get them to like me, so it's harder to pretend they aren't all tools.

He got sooo lucky later...

The theme of the prom was James Bond. At first I thought it was kind of cool and old school that the kids had picked a kind of sophisticated theme, until Ryan clued me in that the theme was tied to the fact the year is 007 and pretty much every high school from Bakersfield to Paramus was holding proms with diamonds, fake martinis and teenage boys doing bad British accents.

It was fun watching the kids come in decked out in their prom finery -- mainly because it let me really let me use my inner Joan Rivers. Let's just put it this way -- I think the girls in the school bought out all the self tanner in the valley. And all of the body glitter. And dresses with cutouts were quite popular this year at Wet Seal or wherever they all shop. The best part of the outfits were the ridiculously high heels that every girl was wearing. They had to come down stairs to enter the prom and I seriously thought a couple of them weren't going to make it. getting to their tables across a title floor was another feat to behold. Suffice to say by the time the dancing started pretty much every pair of high heels had been abandoned to the sidelines so the ladies could truly shake their groove things.

A few of the abandoned shoes

Ryan and I did not do much dancing. First of all because we were busy watching the kids and secondly because my dancing kind of looks like an Autistic child having a fit and Ryan has a certain level of coolness to protect among his students. So we stood on the sidelines while the young people danced to such classics as "Smack That" and "Pimp Juice." Just as I was about to start in on a diatribe about the music young people listen to today the DJ played "Thriller" by Michael Jackson and the kids began squealing about how much they love "oldies." Oldies? I remember when I got that 45. It was right before the McCarthy hearings.

The best thing I can say about the prom is that we didn't have to bust anyone. No one was found drinking, or having sex in the bathroom or sharing roofies. At least, if they were, we didn't know about it, which is just as good as if they weren't doing it at all. Yes, it would have been fun to reign hellfire down on some 17 year old who thought sneaking Boones Farm wine in bota bag was "classy" but after the initial rush it just would have been a pain in the ass -- and we wouldn't have gotten out of there at 11. And I had a big bottle of "congratulations you didn't kill anyone at the prom" wine waiting for me at home -- and a prom date I needed to take advantage of...