Monday, April 23, 2012

Right Idea, Wrong Reason

My mother is quitting smoking. But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is why she is quitting smoking.


Did you say because of her health? You're wrong.

How about because the price of cigarettes is going up, and she is trying to save money? Nope, wrong again.

Did anyone say doing it to help her best friend who is also trying to quit? Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner.

Now, can anyone guess why the friend is quitting? I'll give you a hint, it's not health or money.

Oh, and it's not because smoking is becoming totally socially unacceptable.

Or because it's just generally gross.

Give up? You might as well, because you are never going to guess it.

My Mother's best friend is quitting smoking, and taking my Mom along for the ride, because she is sure the world is going to end on December 21st 2012.

Now, I am sure you are saying "well, if the world is going to end, why doesn't she just enjoy her cigarettes?" After all, that's what I said. You see, she doesn't plan to die in Armageddon, but instead to take off with her family in their RV for a safe place to ride out the storm until society is ready to rebuild.  And in that safe place? It will likely be very hard to find cigarettes. She's quitting now so she won't have to deal with both the apocalypse and nicotine withdrawal.

It would be a brilliant plan if it wasn't so totally and completely insane. And it's led to a brilliant plan of my own.

I am going to start stocking up on cigarettes. If the end of the world is coming, there have got to be some people out there not as prepared as my Mom's friend. There have got to be even more people who will want one last drag before they hurtle out of existence. At the end of days I will be queen -- because I will have all the smokes.

And if the world does not end on December 21st?

I will have one hell of a Christmas present for my mother... and her friend.


missohkay said...

Apparently the Mayans didn't take into account Leap Day and so actually the world would have ended sometime last year if their calendar was correct. At least that's what I heard. On Facebook. And Facebook wouldn't lie to me.

(Random aside: I'm recently obsessed with the show Doomsday Preppers. I can't get enough.)

Erin said...

oh my god ... I hope you're keeping notes about this craziness. It'll make for a quirky novel some day. :)

Riot Kitty said...

That is freaking hilarious!! Thank you for the laughs!

Mandy_Fish said...

As a former smoker I was reading this with a complete attitude, thinking, "There is NO bad reason to quit smoking!"

And then I got to the end of the world.

My apologies. I was wrong. You were right.

Holy Smokes, that IS nuts!

Jen said...

Well. It's an original reason to quit anyway. There was some serious laughter when I read this one. Thanks Libby.

Serial Monogamist said...

What Mandy_Fish said. Exactly.

Kelly said...

But what about the WINE? You better start stock piling some of that too. Way more important than smokes, although some would say they go hand in hand.

When the wine is gone the world really ends.

Rassles said...

See, in my head this is a perfectly logical reason.

Anonymous said...

Okay. That's pretty funny. I didn't see that coming AT ALL. Thanks for the laugh, Libby. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG that is the funniest thing I've read in days.

LL Cool Joe said...

Is this for real? And I thought I was nuts.