Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Screaming Child on Aisle 7

My child was the terror of Target today.

It started in the toy section. We were walking through when she spotted a "Memory" game featuring her latest infatuation: "Angelina Ballerina." She was very excited about the game, and I was very excited she had picked a toy that was not only educational, but also only cost seven dollars. I told her when we got home I would teach her how to play.

That's when all hell broke loose.

"YOU WILL NOT TEACH ME," she bellowed from the depths of her soul. "I WILL TEACH MYSELF."

I stepped back, wondering if she was about to vomit pea soup. I swear the entire store went silent, afraid of incurring her wrath. I stepped up to the parenthood plate. "Meg, that is not how we talk to anyone," I said, "you need to be polite." Usually that works. Meg is pretty reasonable for a two year old. Today though, no dice. Instead of returning to normal, Meg ramped up the crazy, responding with an ear curdling scream that reverberated off every hard surface within a mile.

I tried to pry the game out of hands, attempting to make sure the last thing I did was reward this behavior; but she held onto it like it was welded to her hands. "Meg, if you don't behave, we can't get the game," I said. "I DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE," she screamed, and tightened her hold on it.

I decided the best thing I could do was just get out of the store as fast as possible.

We dashed through the aisles, picking up the things we needed, Meg's screaming like a siren warning other shoppers to pull to the right and let us pass. We finally screeched to a halt at the check out line, behind a woman with a baby that was also crying, although nowhere near as impressively as Meg. He was crying just enough though, to make Meg go silent.

"Mom," Meg said, "that baby is crying." I nodded. The baby's mother turned around and gave us a wry smile. Meg looked even closer at the kid.

"Mom, do you think that baby has a penis?"

I burst out laughing. So did the Mom in front of me. Oh, and the lady behind me. And the checker.

Hey, she may be a terror, but at least she has timing.


Kelly said...

At least she wasn't screaming, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" or "I WANT MY DADDY!" making you look like a child abusing kidnapper, only my kid does that.

The penis thing helped make light of this one. I don't think anyone could have kept a straight face at that one.

Duffmano said...

My kid took out a whole section of the Star Wars gift shop at the end of the Star Tours ride at Disney. Completely overstimulated and out of control we made sure to buy him the most expensive thing there because we are lazy and horrible.
Just. Make. It. Stop.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

It sounds like you did a great job to me- At least you stayed calm and she ended it on a good note. It could have been much worse. You could have been one of those negligent parents who pretends to not hear their kid and then flip out all of a sudden, calling them every name in the book.

That shit makes me cringe.

Granny Annie said...

Only another parent who has "been there, done that" can fully enjoy this wonderful post. Our youngest granddaughter, at Meg's age, grabbed a bra off the rack in Walmart and to her mother's horror, ran through the store yelling "boobies, boobies, boobies"! Thankfully she did not grab a jock strap.

Tracy Lynn said...

My nieces rarely acted like that when they were with me, because I made it clear early on that I put up with no shit from the underage set. Plus I am fun, and that is the benefit of aunthood.

Gina said...

Oh, have I ever been there - both the screaming fit part AND the public penis talk.

Amanda said...

Seriously, Libby - were you not told about the game of Diggity Dog? She has her own rules, you play by the rules. Everyone wins, especially Meg.
If you are wanting to play a proper game of Memory, wait until Meg goes to bed & then you & Ryan can play.

I love that child so much.

The Twisted Tine said...

Cannon, aged five, refers to the female parts as the "La China"... never mind that we have corrected him in the past.

Kids, they love their junk humor.

missohkay said...

Oh god. I can't stop laughing. Silly holy terror Meg.