Wednesday, August 17, 2011

An Open Letter to the Gosselin 8*

Hey Buddies!

How are ya? Okay? I know things aren't great right now. Do y'all want some otter pops?

Is that better? Try not to spill them on your shirts. Now that you aren't on TV you're gonna have to make those clothes last longer. After all, who do you think is going to wash them for you now that the PAs are gone -- your Mom?

See, I knew I could get you to laugh.

I know this whole "cancellation" thing has got to be hard on you. I'm sure camera crews and Teamsters are really the only parents you've ever known. Well, sure, there's your real parents, but let's not even go there. I mean, you're still children, and I really shouldn't swear around you.

I think the hardest part of this all though is the fact that now you all need to find jobs. Yeah, you do. Don't argue. No excuses. None of that "but we're children" crap. Your Mother and Father are accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and they are accustomed to you providing it. If you let them down now what kind of children are you? I'll tell you: not very good ones.

Ultimate fighting, maybe? Nah, Joel looks like a bleeder...

Okay, so we know we need to eliminate any job that requires you to be cute. After all, if you were still cute TLC wouldn't have booted you. We actually should forget any job TLC related unless any of you are old enough to get pregnant and not know it, or if you have any weird habits. Alexis, if you start eating your hair at a rate that it forms a giant ball in your stomach they might want to talk to you.

Maybe we could find something that requires tiny hands. Any of you interested in rug looming or jewelry making? What about pipe snaking or mine canarying? I know, I know, some of these sound dangerous, but really, can they be any worse than what you have been put through? And don't you owe it to your Mom? After all, she went on "Dancing with the Stars" for you and almost killed a man with her yelling. That's how much she loves herse -- I mean, you.

WAIT! I GOT IT! There are just enough of you to form a mangy, rag tag gang of dodgers, like in "Oliver." You might need your Mom for this one though. She can stand somewhere with a sign that says "formerly famous" and unwitting tourists can stop to take pictures. Then, when they aren't expecting it, you can swarm them like locusts and strip them of their fanny packs and digital cameras. You need to jump on this opportunity quickly though. You are entering the teenage years and soon will be seen as just another gang. Then you'll just have to wait until you're all old enough to be on "Celebrity Rehab" to make a decent living. And you KNOW that won't make your Mom happy.

I guess there is another route, but it's kind of crazy. Your Mom could put all the money she has made off you in a trust fund and start parenting. Then you could go to college and find real careers you love, and become your own people.

I know, crazy.

So, I guess you just need to remember that most tourists have a low center of gravity and will stop fighting if you yell "look, corn dog samples." I know I always do.

Best of luck,


*For my friend Sam


Amanda said...

Maybe they too can start a "Rent A Friend" type situation - rent a child!!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well. I don't think we need to read any more about this, since you've said it all so eloquently! BRAVO, woman! Maybe all the news sites can just print this? Although I almost spilled coffee down my boobs at "...almost killed a man with her yelling". Hahahaha, it's still making me laugh now! So thank you.

Kate desperate attention whoring and meltdown in five, four, three...

G said...

Excellent letter!

Are the oldest now teenagers? If so, I can see where they would be tired of doing the show.

BugginWord said...

I say they open up their own barn dinner theater and perform Oliver. Or Annie. Or One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

Anonymous said...

The younger kids were about to hit their awkward stage, the show was bound to get canceled when that happened.

Cute toddlers are one thing.

Gawky tweens are another.

Anonymous said...

I say they need to form a von-trapp type band, go on a mall tour, and then start writing tell-all memoirs. They can write, at least I assume one of those producers or camera people managed to give them a lesson or two. Worst case scenario they could get a ghost writer. Oh! They can always team up with octo-mom's kids, move to LA, and do a nick Jr. reality show: Multiple Challenge. No! Children of Fame whore's survivor! No! Top Sibling - Reality reject edition!
I seriously can't wait for the Barbara Walters interview. It should be a doozy.

Hippo Brigade said...

You're pretty funny. It's true. I don't give a Gosseling ass about these kids, but somehow you made it fascinating for me. Now I'm all, "What will become of those kids?!" "What will become of their mother?" "What will become of the multiple-children-reality-TV-entertainment landscape??"
Oh the humanity.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Okay, that was priceless. "I'm sure camera crews and Teamsters are really the only parents you've ever known" still has me in stitches.

Little Girl::Big Glasses said...

"Joel looks like a bleeder..." that's gonna keep me smirking for awhile.