Thursday, May 5, 2011

An Open Letter to Mariah Carey

Dear Mariah,

Congratulations on your new babies! I am sure you are going to be a very interesting mom to say the very least. And I think that you're first act of parenting, I mean, after playing them your greatest hits tape and introducing them to the Reverend Al Sharpton as he renews your wedding vows, is to change their names.

No, I'm not saying your choices aren't unique. Monroe and Moroccan? Your kids definitely won't have to go by Monroe and Moroccan C to differentiate themselves from the scads of others with the same names in school. Mostly though, that whole uniqueness thing will bite them in the ass.

For instance, they will NEVER be able to find a pencil with their names on them at Disneyland.

Now, I know, that doesn't seem like a big deal. With all of your "Glitter" money you could buy them personalized unicorns with pencils for horns. However, when you're five, and you see all of those pencils, with practically every name in the world on them, and yours isn't there, it makes you feel crappy. Trust me. My name is Libby.

It isn't just pencils, or license plates, or rainbow mugs that are the problem either. You know that saying "kids can be cruel?" Well, guess what? KIDS CAN BE CRUEL. Yes, I know, kids can find a way to make fun of every name, but at least make them work for the payoff. Isn't it bad enough that bullies will already have the ammunition of the fact that you are their Mom and you took these pictures while pregnant? Maybe you should have just named your kids "give me a wedgie" and "really, take my lunch money" to make it easier.

If you don't want to change both names, at least change Moroccan, or let him go by his middle name -- Scott. After all, girls can get away with kooky names most of the time, especially if they are slutty, but boys have no such luxury. Also, Scott (I will always refer to him as that now) really should get to pick his own name, since you named him after a design scheme. Yeah, Mariah, we all know you named him after the decor in your third floor balcony. How do we know this? BECAUSE YOU TOLD US! IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN WANT THEM TO HAVE A CHANCE!
Sorry, I got a little excited.

Ahem.

Really, though, mazel tov. I hope you have very competent nannies to take care of all three, er two of your children. After all, we don't want you overexerting yourself.

That might lead to decisions you regret later.

Best of luck,

Libby

17 comments:

BugginWord said...

I'm going to name my parasite "French Provincial."

LL Cool Joe said...

This probably isn't a good time to mention that I'm a Mariah Carey fan is it?

No, maybe not.

BeckEye said...

In the celeb world, Monroe and Moroccan are equivalent to, like, Roger and Stacy. Pretty normal. They can still make fun of Kal-El Cage and Pilot Inspektor Lee.

Kelly said...

I found out yesterday that Mack's first name AND middle name made the 2011 most hated baby names.
Good thing she's not a baby...

I could never find anything with her name on it way back then...

I feel so sorry for these kids...

Leslie said...

I was so irritated by her choice in baby names. Seriously? Morocco is also the place her and nick honeymooned or some nonsense. CAN'T THE DAMN BABIES HAVE A NAME THAT IS THEIR OWN!? Jesus.

Kate said...

My brother had a friend growing up with the middle name Monroe and they made fun of him constantly.

Your kids have you as their mom. This is already their burden, you made it worse with your name choices. And I'm not even touching the fact that they will have to listen to high pitched lullabies.

poor babies.

Amanda said...

I am so getting you a whole slew of pencils bearing your name. Please remember that at that stage in our lives, I went by Mandy - a name, despite the efforts of Barry Manilow - that was equally difficult to find on personalized items.

rockygrace said...

Is "Moroccan" even a noun? Isn't it, like, an adjective or something? Jeez. "Morocco" would be borderline. "Moroccan" is just ... wrong.

Nicole said...

". . . Especially if they are slutty." Genius. True, but still genius.

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

HILARIOUS! I really can't get over the design scheme. I'm going to call my next baby "Shabby Chic."

Jill VT said...

At least she could call the poor boy Morocco - the NOUN, not the ADJECTIVE!

ShaLyse Walker said...

All three...er...two of your children.
Brilliant.

Scribe said...

My favourite name for a girl is Lily. My married name was White. I just couldn't do it... and neither could he ;)

Patty O. said...

This made me laugh so hard. I love it when you say, "at least make them work for it". Exactly! I had kids make fun of me forever. The easiest was of course, "Fatty Patty" which hurt more because I was actually chubby (still, am, come to think of it).

And I love that you call the kid Scott. These poor, poor children!
P.S. thanks for supporting my LEGO club grant. I really appreciate it!

Riot Kitty said...

LOL Joey!

For the first 12 or so years of my life, people started singing the Beatles song I am named after when they met me. I think they stopped after I was old enough to flip them off.

Granny Annie said...

Why didn't she name them Monroeisha and Moroccaniquah? Those names are more in keeping with the times don't you think?

Sam said...

Jarrah will never find her name on a Disneyland pencil, either, but her friends don't blink an eye at that name. Kids get used to anything.