Thursday, February 10, 2011

I Don't Get It

When I was in third grade I couldn't roll my r's.

Everyone else could do it. They would all happily rrrr their way through "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" at song time while I mouthed along until the "caw, caw" part, hoping no one noticed. I would look at their mouths and try to figure out how they were making that sound while I could not. I asked friends who knew about my plight to help me, to show me exactly what to do. Still, I couldn't do it. I remember how left out I felt, and how thinking there was no worse feeling in the world.

I had no idea about the bitch of infertility.

It has now been two years since we stopped actively trying to have a biological child. Ryan and I both decided we don't want to try fertility treatments again. We both could not be happier with the way things turned out in the end with the adoption of Meg. We wouldn't want it any other way. We are both fine with never having a biological child. Still, sometimes that feeling, that left out, "why can't I do that" comes back to haunt me.

Right now I have two friends that are pregnant. One was actively trying not to get pregnant, and the other had just started trying like five minutes ago. Neither one was taking pills, or getting shots, or monitoring their basal temperature, or peeing on everything for signs of fertility. I am absolutely thrilled that neither one of them had to do any of that, and I look forward to the births of their children. Yet, still I wonder "how did they do that?"

I can go through all the reasons in my head for my infertility. PCOS. Irregular cycles. Too many years on birth control. Still, there are people with all of those things that have had children. My doctors told me I was making eggs. I had no "structural factors." Ryan was not a factor. We are pretty sure we are doing it right. What's the problem?

Honestly, I don't think I want to know the answer, even if there is one. I think that might make things worse, possibly luring me back into the world of fertility nightmares to prove "yes I can." My life is too good to even think about going back there.

At least now I can roll my r's. It gives a certain flair when I talk about being inferrrrrrrtile.


Jen said...


Oh - I can't roll my rrrr's. I'm completely envious of those who can.

Lisa said...

I couldn't roll my Rs in high school. I took 5 years of Spanish. You know, ADVANCED spanish, and no trilling of the Rs. Almost flunked me because of it, seriously!

Got my tonsils taken out when I was in college, and now I'm an R rolling MACHINE!

Alas, I still wonder how people get pregnant. I can't do it to save my life. Sigh...

Think there's a connection? Should we send that in to a medical journal? :O)

Kelly said...

I can't roll my rrr's either. Mack can, and she's a show off about it.

I'm just waiting for Mea to rub it in my face that she can too.

BugginWord said...

I can't touch my tongue to my nose, no matter how may times I practice each day.

I love your spirit, lady...for what its worth.

Anonymous said...

Me too.

I'm the opposite end....I have no trouble getting pregnant. Two of my children were conceived while I was on birth control. Why?? Why me??? My best friend has struggled with infertility and loss and I can't fathom how I'm the one with the dumb luck and she's the one with the horrid luck. I don't get it. Especially when you meet some of the women who have infertility issues. It doesn't seem fair or right at all, especially when you read the news and see who is having babies and what they do to them. Ugh.

They need to come up with a way to allow women to donate uteruses and reproductive junk to other women who will use them better. That's my million dollar idea.

Amanda said...

This was not whiny in the slightest.

Anonymous said...

Get post....and I know we may have to face this. I would love a Meg!! My husband is less enthusiastic about adoption....which is scary. I think you are SUPER-DUPER lucky and more "skilled" than many vajayjay popper-outers!

Anonymous said...

get post = great post:)

Carlea said...

This. Yes. Yes. Yes. I feel you, sister. All the while being over the moon in love with my child, Meg's future BFF.

Kim said...

You know that overused, usually insincere "everything happens for a reason" schpeel? Well, I'm accepting that sometimes it applies. Had some of the bad not happened, I would never have experienced the wonderful. Why did I have a child with a hearing impairment? I don't know, but I wouldn't trade the privilege of being his mother for the world. Why was I raised by such damaging people? I don't know, but I'm sure glad I wasn't left to rot in some orphanage.

Would you really trade your spectacular for everyone else's average? Of course not.

Not, er, that I'm saying our kids are better than everyone else's.

(But they are.)

Me, You, or Ellie said...

You see that? Now you have a baby *and* can roll your r's.

That is a successful life.


Sam said...

This really resonates for me. I don't like to be left out of the global party, even though I'm happy things turned out the way they did.

It's now been eight years since I last used birth control. WTF? Nothing, of ANY kind, was ever found for cause in either one of us. Like I said, WTF.

Jody said...

I think you have a beautiful family and you were lucky to be able to adopt. I know how you feel though, as I can't have a child of my own (well I might be able to if I went down the IVF route, etc) however I can't bear the thought of being let down again.

Sometimes I love that my husband has three children and I get to partake in their lives, but I'm not their 'mum' and sometimes it's not so easy.

I don't know. Life can be so hard, yet it can be so good. Keep up your great spirit Libby.

Daniel said...

This one time, I was partner to an ectopic pregnancy. Totally unplanned, and I felt guilty as all hell because it resulted in the loss of an ovary for the girlfriend...

And now I'm kind of paranoid that I can only make people's wombs explode.

I've sworn off sex a good half-dozen times.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, and so I'll stop.

Jen Has A Pen said...

Although I'm a HUGE fan of your blog, I'm embarrassed to admit I never took the time to look back and see exactly what type of fertility issues you dealt with/are dealing with. I'm glad this post sort of summed it up (as you can see I'm too lazy to do a lot of research).

How long did you try before you guys started down the adoption path? George and I are trying to predict a loose timeline for that. We both would LOVE to adopt, but are wanting to give this whole thing a go before we start something else.