Monday, November 29, 2010

Clothes Make the Murderer

I might be living with the new Boston (okay, Utah) strangler. I'm not kidding. He has the gloves for it. Know how I know he has the gloves for it? Because I bought them.

It is damn cold in Utah right now. I mean, colder than normal. That means it is so cold not even penguins want to vacation here, and Gwenyth Paltrow seems warm by comparison. Yep, it is even cold enough to freeze my sense of humor. It is also so cold that I had to go out -- and buy gloves. What kind of gloves did Ryan want? Dress gloves. You know, for when he dresses as a person who strangles people.

Really, there is no way that leather dress gloves can be worn without making the wearer look somewhat homicidal. They even look evil on the rack, like they might jump out and strangle you themselves. Ski gloves are sporty. Mittens are friendly and want to have a snowball fight and a beer. Those fingerless glove/mitten hybrids want to break dance and deliver packages on a bike. Dress gloves want to kill you.

It's not just the look of dress gloves, either. Have you ever heard fingers curling in that beautiful leather? "I'm coming for you," it says, "and I will do it in luxurious comfort and warmth." My little polyester lined fake shearling numbers are no match for that. NO MATCH FOR THAT!

I just hope he doesn't ask for a trench coat next. Then I'm really done.

19 comments:

Scribe said...

I have the same reaction to lumber jackets. I hear the theme from Deliverance. Horrible, horrible movie.

Darth Weasel said...

That is hysterically funny. Now if you can just figure out a way to sprinkle a lttle blood on them...

then after they shrink he can run around scraming "If they do not fit, you must aquit!"

Granny Annie said...

It is too early in the morning for me to laugh so loudly. Yep, if he wants the trench coat next I'd be out of there too.

Jennee said...

Haha this is fantastic. I never thought much about it but now I'll start noticing peoples gloves!

melistress.com said...

rather than stranglers I think of Dexter...our favorite vigilate serial killer. Mind you, those are shorter gloves...and probably not warm. Mind you, when I think of leather gloves I don't think of warm because they just don't cut it up here. Ok...so I am rambling now. Too much coffee...

LL Cool Joe said...

I was wearing a pair this morning when I drove the kids to school in the snow. The way they were fighting I could have strangled both of them.

dufmanno said...

I never wear gloves for exactly this reason. Also I avoid mittens because of the frustration they cause millions of people each winter. Don't let all the hugs and snowball throwing mislead you they confound even the most experienced wearers.

C Lo said...

For two days now I've had bad jokes about "well, but DO THEY FIT?" running through my head..............

Summer said...

Mittens are SO friendly. I'd never thought of it until you pointed it out. Every time Tim puts on his black leather gloves, I say, "Take it easy OJ."

Amanda said...

Can you put suede patches on the sleeves of the trenchcoat?

Hippo Brigade said...

I'm here to say, that your sense of humor did NOT freeze. You're still funny as Hell.

And Hell is really hot.

Riot Kitty said...

LOL! That is hilarious! I feel the same way about ski masks...

FabuLeslie said...

Sounds like somebody's been watching too much Dexter.

Always love the logic over here, Libby!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Um, yeah, the cold *is* getting to you.

And watch what you say about my girl Gwenyth Paltrow. Did you not see her on Glee??!

Ellie

BugginWord said...

Cold. Boo. Hiss.

And my husband asked for a hacksaw for xmas. Maybe he's been talking to your husband.

JenS said...

Thanks Libby. I read this yesterday and have been noticing all the creepy gloves today and getting a little creeped out. There's a guy at work who wears these little leather gloves with a long trench-style coat. Clearly, I had to walk around to the other door to avoid him.

IzzyMom said...

Men's leather gloves always remind me of OJ Simpson and hearing "if it doesn't fit, you must acquit" six frillion on the news.

lifeisacrapshoot said...

Now that you mention it, leather gloves ARE pretty freaky...

Daniel said...

I love gloves. I don't wear them that often, although I've owned several pairs over the past few years.

I currently only own two pairs of gloves, though. One pair is for semi-cold weather, meant to be used as driving gloves. I can't remember why I first bought them. The second pair, my lady got for me. They're thing, bendy work gloves so as to prevent myself from stabbing myself in the hand with splinter shards. They're my favorite at the moment.

I've never owned a nice pair of leather gloves, though. I'd like to. And a trench coat. Mostly so I could embody the spirit of John Cusack.