Sunday, October 17, 2010

Spiraling

I think I have mentioned before that I struggle with depression. I think even if I haven't you probably have a pretty good idea. After all, I write a blog, and it's not about photography or cooking. Oh, and I embrace sarcasm, which is a depressive's best friend next to Lexapro and wine.

Over the years I have come to think of my depression as a kind of annoying pet I didn't want. It's always there. Sometimes it is completely asleep, and letting me do my own thing. Other times it just kind of brushes up against me to let me know it's there. Or it will stick out one sharp claw and prick me, just drawing a bead of blood, making sure it has my full attention, even if only for a moment. And then there are times like now, when it feels like I am being crushed in it's jaws.

How I wish I could take the fucking thing to the pound.

I feel almost immobilized by it. It is an honest effort to just keep going. It will call my attention to the smallest thing, make me look at it, and then push me down. Take, for example, today. I noticed Meg's hair had residue in it from a styling product, because I hadn't taken the time to go out and get the good styling product. Annnnnd, we're off! I'm a bad mom. I'm horrible to Ryan. I'm a bad friend. I drink too much. I haven't done enough with my career. I haven't ever finished anything I've started. The house is a mess. We will never sell our house because of the swamp in the back. I will never be thin. I will never be famous. I will never be respected. I'm 36 in a world where every person of value is under 29. I have a blog.

It doesn't matter that in the midst of this there is a part of my mind that knows what's going on. That knows I'm spiraling, and that is trying to stop the descent. That part is so small though, and so powerless over the depression that it's like fighting a Chihuahua and a Doberman; an idea so horrible I can't even find a video of it on You Tube.

Oh, and I've just now convinced myself that a blog about depression is quite possibly the most useless thing on the planet.

Maybe I should do an interpretive dance instead.

Now, that would be really depressing.

25 comments:

Leslie said...

a blog about depression is not worthless...I'm depressed. Though I am not on lexapro (though ihave some really nice lexapro white outs..i used to work at a drs office) I take prozac.

Amanda said...

Thanks Libby, it is nice to read that I am not alone. I have been in a well recently that makes everything awful.

I know it does not help, but you are not a bad mom, a bad wife or a bad friend - nor do you drink too much. You are raising an amazing person, who brings light to everything.

I think the interpretive dance is a great idea. I'll bring the scarves.

Jules said...

I have that same issue. It sucks when you KNOW that you're beginning that spiral down..... I know that I have tricks to try to bring myself up (exercise is one of them) but I HATE it!

I love you! Feel better, my wonderful friend!

Kim said...

You are a bad friend and you do drink too much.

You're welcome! Glad I could cheer you up. It's my specialty.

Whatever you do, don't take Jules's advice and exercise. Now THAT'S a bad friend.

I hate people whose names end in s because then I have to think really hard about where to put the apostrophe.

ShaLyse said...

I was just thinking about our blog today-- it's hilarious and sarcastic but has so much heart. You're such a talented and brave writer. When I get into depressed/anxiety mode I get acupuncture (it's amazing and it works!! Especially my girl Annie 8017084480), take long baths loaded with Epsom salts from smiths (they're cheap and I literally dump them in), and FORCE myself to block out the negative thoughts-- even if it's by just fuzzily thinking of nothing. I just don't let myself dwell. Easier said than done though. It always passes! Oh, and just kiss that gorgeous girl of your. She is irresistible.
This too shall pass!!

LL Cool Joe said...

I suffer with depression too. My fear of dying also saps me of life. Ironic really.

My depression feels like a dark cloud over my head and everything loses it's colour. The world turns black & white.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I can see from your comments, you are not alone.

Waiting Lisa said...

My blog has often been a blog about depression.

I'm in new baby bubble right now, but I know I need to get back to blogging soon b'c it keeps my anxiety/depression at bay. It really works for me. Free therapy. I have no idea why anyone reads it, haha.

I'm glad you wrote this post. And even with the depression, your blogs and tweets make me laugh out loud.

The Tame One said...

I too am a Lexapro and wine girl. I have been on at least 4 different anti-depressants and Lexapro is my fav for sure. However, my battle is anxiety. Seriously, I've blogged about this issue a few times myself but only because my anxiety hasn't reared its ugly head in awhile. I'm sure it will any moment. My best advice, if you're not already, avoid everything with NutrSweeet, AKA Phenylalanine AKA Aspertame. It made a WORLD of difference for my depression and anxiety. After that blog yourself silly. Just writing things down sometimes helps you see how crazy they really are.

I want to come hug you happy. Hang in there darling Libby.

Lynne said...

Every time you write something I love you more!! Libby, you are honest and brave. You are. And the world does value people over 29. In fact, they damn sure should value us more!! And what the hell's wrong with drinking too much?!

Most of us feel depressed sometimes, but I know what you describe is different. I watched helplessly as my oldest son spiraled so far down it almost took his life. My heart goes out to you. Take good care, Friend.

I love ya!!

Juniper said...

I'm feeling left out, because I write a blog but I'm not depressed, and I don't have any horrible ailments... and I'm not an artist, photographer or writer.

What am I doing here....?

However, I have been through depression in the past, so I can empathise; also my mother had depression when I was a teenager and I never understood why she was so ANGRY with me for minor things - if only she'd explained why it would have helped.... so if I offer nothing else I offer that advice.

JX

kendall said...

Depression is such a difficult thing to understand for those people who've never experienced it. For me, it's like a physical weight that I don't have the energy to carry so I languish, immobilized on my sofa, refusing to answer the phone, clean my house or sometimes even myself. And that's the self-perpetuating thing about it--the more you let yourself go the more you beat yourself up for letting yourself go.

I hope you're back to yourself soon.

BugginWord said...

You know, I think it's the honesty part that's important about a blog. While I don't like that you have to feel what you're feeling, I like that you tell us. It feels more honest. Makes me appreciate your snarky even more. So wallow if you want to wallow and dance when you want to dance. I like it all.

Kelly said...

I think you are awesome. Thanks for being honest, and being you. I have struggled on and off with this as long as I can remember. Sometimes things just set it the spiral in motion, it's hard to jump out once it's spinning.

Summer said...

Well, I think you are fantastic, but I know that probably doesn't help. It may help to hear that you are definitely not alone. I have the same issues. It drags me down to the ground, but instead of crying-- I project anger. All around me. At everyone. It's awful, and I wish it would go away, but it doesn't. I would read whateverinthehell you write. If you want to talk about depression, do it. Feel better soon.

melistress.com said...

Libby, you are awesome. I know it doesn't matter when you are depressed to know that you are not alone but you are not. And I like your blog and I think you are a fabulous mother with an adorable well adjusted daughter who likes to sing and dance. And I know exactly how you feel. (((hugs)))

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm in the midst of many of these same feelings right now. I hint at it in my writing, but couch it in sarcasm or humor, then I log off and sit in the dark of it all. I appreciate your honesty with it, and if you need a dance partner, I'm willing to at least try flailing around.

Sam said...

Thinking of you. xo

Also now fairly certain I must be depressed, as am way older than 29, have blog, know nothing about cooking or photography and am super-sarcastic. Eek.

JenS said...

So, I'm a year older than you, I blog. My house is seriously a mess and I'm still working on my bachelor's degree. I'm 37 years old and I'm still working on that. I just got my AS degree this year. I spend more time at work than with my family and even more spare time on school. Libby, neither are you alone or a bad mom, wife or friend. In fact, sometimes your humor is the thing that gets me laughing on a tough day. Chin up. You can beat it back.

Riot Kitty said...

Hey, having lived with this myself since I was 16, I can tell you - you're not alone, and it will get better. I find that exercise and iced mochas help...and I have resigned myself to the fact that some days of the year will just suck and I won't get anything done.

You are brave to write about it...

Another thing I just tried and LOVE is the "natural light" bulbs. You can get them at craft or quilting stores. It's the same kind they use in light boxes, but you don't have to fork over the $300 for the fucking box.

Also, please feel free to e-mail me anytime: ml_madison@yahoo.com

Scribe said...

I hear ya, sister. I think my insomnia and depression go hand in hand. It's like they're skipping down the road and every once in a while I have to stumble over a rock or remember to trip myself with a big ass stick to get me out and off the path.

I'm just thankful that I'm not alone and there's someone out there like you writing about it. That makes you amazing in my book.

Deidra said...

I don't think this post was worthless at all. It's educational.

Catherine said...

Sigh. I feel for you sister. I hate that you feel 29 is the cut off for people of value. I know it seems that way but in real life, it is us older girls that really have the substance. Your 36 looks pretty young to my 48. I love reading about your life and about Meg. Being depressed is just a part of who you are along with so many other wonderful things.
Warm regards from your
Fellow blogger with anxiety problems

Selma said...

I'm not on any meds at the moment because every anti-depressant out there makes me puke uncontrollably. There is nothing more depressing than a depression-vomit combo....

I wanted to thank you for this post. Sometimes when I am feeling cranky or blue I read your tweets and just laugh and laugh. You really do make a huge difference to my day. This post has also made a huge difference because I am the spiraling Queen. I'm creating my own centrifugal force with the amount of spirals in the room.

You have helped a lot of people by writing this.

I would love an interpretative dance too. May I suggest those ribbon things the gymnasts use at the Olympics?

Daniel said...

The fact that you're able to put your depression into words and make some logic out of how it manifests is a very powerful thing in dealing with it, I'd say...

Not that I'm in a position to really say much on the matter, as I'm a depressed bastard myself. I'm 28, live alone, have worked at a place I loathe constantly for the past 7 years despite my attempt at quitting a couple years back only to find that nobody would hire me because my qualifications on paper don't resonate well enough and my education is lacking... thanks to me turning down some prime scholarship money because I wasn't privy to being an accountant... never mind the fact that I work in a finance capacity at present... yet ironically, my financial and career security that I've invested so much in is spiraling out of control and into a sad state of affairs because I've a fair amount of complacency that I'm slathering all over, and have managed to develop this ridiculous social anxiety issue which I blame on a series of failed relationships with women that did not deserve my awesomeness... anxiety which only shows itself when the situation calls for calm, confident and collected, and so I invest my paycheck into bottles of beer and frozen dinners, which doesn't help my insanely high blood pressure, and... and...

And... that's why I sleep on a half-inflated air mattress in a 300 square foot studio now.

The end.

I won't say I understand, but... I'm totally game for opening a "depressed people only" island. Just sayin'.

lifeisacrapshoot said...

Don't you DARE say that your blog is useless! It's true that our lives are different, but honestly, yours is one of the most amazing blogs I've found that deals with depression. You are honest, you are open, and you have an amazing ability to put into words the thoughts and feelings I so often struggle with.
THANK YOU for continuing to write about your struggles. It's often only those other sufferers who really understand and GET depression, and I'm THANKFUL BEYOND WORDS to have stumbled across you!