Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Jesus Loves Her, And So Do I

I have a new crush. Honestly, I have to say, I'm a bit embarrassed about how quickly, and how deeply I've fallen, but I think this could be the real thing. You know how you've heard stories about people just seeing a picture and falling in love? Yeah, I thought it was bullshit, but that's how it is for me -- and Christine O'Donnell.


Isn't she lovely? Isn't she perfect? Doesn't she just scream "no Republican Senate majority in 2011"? Sigh. I know. It's like the Republican voters of Delaware went up to heaven, and picked out an angel. An inexperienced, homophobic, rhetoric spewing, slightly racist angel. God bless them for it.

Really, I don't know what I love most about Christine (we aren't to the pet name phase yet, but I'm thinking "Nutso," just because I'm so crazy about her.) It could be the fact she won a Senate primary without really taking stand on anything, just spouting lines about "changing the system," and being a "Washington outsider." It could be that Sarah Palin called her a "Granite Grizzly" and made robo phone calls for her. It could be that she realized just how important she is and spent campaign contributions on what really mattered -- herself -- despite what any silly election laws might have said.

Want to know something really neat about Christine? She doesn't believe in lying. I know, I know, it's amazing. She thinks that God will intervene before anyone has to lie, but only if the cause is just. I guess that means God had a definite opinion about hiding Jews during the Holocaust. I'm sure Anne Frank understands though. Christine would probably point out she she got a book deal out of it, and call that a "win/win."

Christine has also made me rethink my marriage. After all, did you know it's adultery, even if it's only masturbation? That's right, ladies, everyone's husband is cheating on them -- some five or six times a day. I'm okay with it though, because it means it will be easier to get a divorce from Ryan and marry my true love Christine. Of course, I mean, once the Supreme Court makes it legal, and Christine stops thinking of homosexuality as something that can be "fixed."

After all, nothing can change this love I feel. And I think all Democrats waiting for the Republican party either to become more human, or completely implode feel the same way. Maybe we could start a support group.

xoxo

21 comments:

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

She makes my IBS flare up.

for a different kind of girl said...

I think I made a face similar to hers when I heard her rally her minions in a news spot today. Actually, it was a damn fine silent scream I let out.

C Lo said...

I'm not dating anyone........who the fuck was I cheating on earlier today??

oh wait............

LL Cool Joe said...

Well they say love is blind.......

Masturbating 5 or 6 times a day? Is that the daily average? I need to wake up earlier.

Riot Kitty said...

LMAO Joey!!

What if it's masturbating *in front of* your spouse? Is that still a mortal sin? God, this woman needs a vibrator.

Melinda said...

So when I read the title of your post I admit my first thought was 'noooooo!' You had me worried for a minute. I'm Canadian so my opinion doesn't really matter.... but still.

Leslie said...

Is it just me, or does she look like palin?

Me, You, or Ellie said...

"An inexperienced, homophobic, rhetoric spewing, slightly racist angel." Makes me proud to be an American.

Ellie

justmakingourway said...

This is exactly why I hate watching the news these days. It's like a horrible train wreck. You're appalled - and yet you can't look away.

Kelly said...

I can't even type anything. She's Nutso alright.

Amanda said...

Is there a farm somewhere where they raise Sarah Palin-bots?? DAYUM!!

I would have loved to have watched the cage match between her & Eddie Izzard.

Summer said...

Stupid bitches with good hair and a small minds are all the rage this season. Good Lord, help us all.

Rassles said...

My baby sister posted something about her on Facebook, saying, "I bet she's never had an orgasm" or something more eloquently put, and I freaked out because SHUT UP BABY SISTER. I mean, she's 22. But still SHUT UP.

Erin said...

Chick is off her rocker. I love the idea of cheating on my husband with MYSELF.

Jules said...

She obviously didn't read 'Moregasm.' If she did, she'd know that masturbation will bring WORLD PEACE.

And is it me or did she morph into Sarah Palin's twin? It's creepy. They look identical. I can't even tell them apart.

Please save me.

FabuLeslie said...

One of my favorite posts you've ever written. Brilliant. Seriously. I am in awe.

G said...

Get your jollies now, because in November, you'll be crying in your beer wondering how it went all so horribly wrong.

She Said said...

Have you read The Hunger Games? OK, OK, so read it if you haven't and check out my idea. Let's put Christine and and Sharon Angle from good ole NevaDUH into an arena. If you've read the book, you know what comes next. I'll call that a "win/win".

Gorilla Bananas said...

Your husband masturbates 5 or 6 times a day? Man, what a stud! You bet him blow him before he explodes.
My guess is that this O'Donnell woman likes men to cum on her tits.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Does this mean you are going to practice witchcraft together? Because that's the only thing that will make this even MORE awesome than it already was.

Daniel said...

...you just might be my new favorite person ever...

Brilliant entry. 5 Stars, A+.