Thursday, July 15, 2010

Hiding My Shame in the Nick of Time

I have now lost close to 20 pounds. It's an accomplishment to be sure, but last night it almost cost me my dignity.

I like jeans. They are all I wear -- and I like them slightly baggy. After a 20 pound weight loss, that means they are VERY baggy. Like 16 year old wanna be white boy rapper baggy. Really, all I need are shamrock boxers, a tank top, and a sideways cap and I could be "DJ Only Wearing This To Piss Off My Dad Until He Makes Me Go to College." I mean, except for my boobs. And the toddler. And the fact I'm 36.

I should buy new pants, I know, but I don't want to. First of all, there is the fact I still have 20 pounds to lose. I don't want to have "fat, medium, and normal" pants. I don't want to buy every size Old Navy has to offer. Also, I kind of like the fact my pants are so big. They show I've done something, and that I am winning the battle of the bulge. I feel like one of those people who hold up their enormous pants on infomercials and smile.

I wasn't smiling last night though.

I was coming home from book club, and my hands were totally full. I had Meg on my hip and a hand under her butt. I had her diaper bag and my purse over one shoulder, and I had a shopping bag of toys I had taken to entertain Meg during book club over the other. I had a box of wine we had ended up not needing (lightweights), tucked under the arm that wasn't supporting Meg. Oh, and I had to reach for my house keys.

I was about half way up the front walk when I felt my pants start to slip. I felt only slight panic, and just widened my gait, hoping that would fix the problem. It did not. They slipped further, and now seemed to be picking up steam. I thought about setting down Meg, or the box of wine, but then realized that would end in the crumbling of the magnificent pyramid of stuff I had built upon myself; and that I would probably just camping, drunk, in the yard.

I had to make a run for it.

With every step I took I felt my pants going lower and lower. They slipped to the top of my butt. I wished for the millionth time in my life I didn't have a flat Irish ass. They slipped to mid-crack. I knew I was in trouble. I got to the door and thrust my hips forward "Solid Gold" style, hoping that would buy me time until I fumbled with my keys and opened the door. It was a desperation move, but it worked. It bought me just the seconds I needed to flip the lock. My pants fell, exposing the back of my gray granny panties and my white chicken thighs, just as I stepped inside and the screen door swung closed.

Meg burst into hysterics. She thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Now, it is true that my dignity may have not been totally saved. I have neighbors across the street, and they have windows; and screen doors are far from solid. However, I like to think I was victorious, and that I saved anyone living near us from having nightmares about my butt. They never would have been able to eat pancakes again.

Maybe I should buy a belt.

Nah. I would ruin my street cred.

31 comments:

She Said said...

Damn it. You gave that 20 pounds to me. Bitch.

(Seriously, congrats. On the weight loss. Not on looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.)

Leslie said...

RYN: I added the etsy site to that blog post where you can get that gorgeous headband

http://thetaleofgoingnatural.blogspot.com

Dr. MVM said...

Mmmmmm, granny panties.

lifeisacrapshoot said...

Bahaha! At least you made it into the house before losing them!
Congrats on the weight loss! That's fantastic!

Amanda said...

I feel your flat, Irish ass pain! There is nothing more classy & graceful than to be walking through the Harmon's parking lot, arms full of groceries, a few feet from your car, with your underwear migrating towards your knees.

G said...

Congrats on the weight loss.

Hopefully, no one was out and about with a video. :D

Ca88andra said...

Congrats on the weight loss! I'd be proud of losing my pants if I'd lost that much weight!

Princess Stupidhead said...

Believe it or not, I've lost weight in the past and this is one of the only annoying things about it. I finally gave in to the new pants and found that pants that fit right make you look thinner than big baggies. Besides, they stay up. Don't worry, Old Navy is always having sales - even here in Canada (now that's saying something)

Jules said...

Go. Buy. Pants.

And congrats on your weight loss. Totally jealous!

melistress.com said...

I think I found your 20 lbs. Do you want them back? I certainly don't need them.

Your story reminds me of a time that I had to take my son to the doctor. He put his teeth through his tongue while I was in the bath and all I had available was a button up skirt and a blouse. With nothing under I went to the doctor, bleeding child in my arms. As I got there the buttons on my skirt popped right off. SO there I was holding a screaming bleeding child and my skirt was about to fall to my feet exposing the fact that I had no granny panties on at all.

Do you think the children do it to us on purpose?

Allison said...

Way to go, Libby!!

I'll let you decide whether the congrats are for the weight loss or for making it (mostly) into the house.

(Hint: it could also be for both.) ;)

LL Cool Joe said...

Hope you don't mind but I linked to your last post on my blog.

Nothing wrong in looking like a 16 year old rapper as far as I'm concerned!

Kelly said...

I needed that laugh this morning, thank you.

I also have FAS. Flat. Ass. Syndrome. I cure it with a belt. It's cheaper then butt implants. I've looked into it.

Jennifer said...

Go buy a pair at goodwill.....but seriously.....Flash the ass with pride woman!!! That is awesome:)

Deidra said...

Laughed. out. loud.
Wow.
Plus, my brother looked over my shoulder just as I started reading, so now he understands my fondness for the blogosphere! Either that, or he's scarred for life. ;)

Dunc said...

HAAA! I nearly woke Blythe up from her nap from laughing (and maybe I should wake her up and read your post to her, now that I think of it).

I can't get over the image of you widening your gait - I'm imagining you walking like an aggressive gangsta.

Gina said...

Hey, 20 pounds? I wouldn't even care about dropping my pants - it would be "TWENTY POUNDS!" all the time.

Erin said...

At least you weren't wearing a thong. :-)

Summer said...

First of all, congratulations on the 20 pounds. I'm very jealous and may spit on you.

Secondly, get your ass to Old Navy and buy some medium pants before you have to register as a sex offender for exposing your goodies to the neighbors.

I just realized Jules said the same thing but in like three words. I talk too much. That is all..

justmakingourway said...

Okay - that's hilarious.

I'm so impressed!! (Not that your pants fell down - that you lost enough weight to have them fall down.) Twenty pounds is a lot! You've lost a toddler!

Sam said...

This sounds exactly like something I would have done. And congratulations!

sage said...

Suspenders! This is a funny post; I wish you could help the rest of us lose 20pounds!

Hippo Brigade said...

You know those jeans they sell at Baby Gap with the adjustable elastic band inside? You need those, but in a big girl size.
Oh, congrats on loosing 20 pounds, you hot piece of flat Irish ass, you.

Granny Annie said...

You caused me to awaken my spouse this early morning with hysterical laughter. And, by the way, someone saw. You'll hear about it I am sure but someone always sees our goofs.

erin said...

YAY! I have a flat Irish ass too!

This same thing happened to me, but just in front of my kids the other day. I insist on wearing the same pj pants I wore when I weighed 50 pounds more...I'm obviously retarded.

So they fall down and the kids love it and all yell "look at momma's butt!!!!"

Good times.

Riot Kitty said...

Congrats on the weight loss...I have a similar story, and it happened in a grocery store parking lot. The pants had a zipper and a small velcro patch at the top instead of a button...the patch came undone, then the zipper came undone, then the pants started to fall down. Classic.

Missed Periods said...

I don't know if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but my husband is a plumber and his pants are always falling down.

Congrats on your weight loss and making it in the house in the nick of time.

Eternally Distracted said...

That is hyseterical in a non-cool, what were you doing, please buy a belt kinda way!!

There are times in life that I am glad I am fat ;0)

JenS said...

LOL!! Now I know what I have to look foward too with weight loss.

Waiting Lisa said...

Wow, 20 lbs. Very impressive.

Kim said...

Always looking for opportunities to use the Solid Gold move, aren't you?

Oh, and I'm down 20 also. Just to spite you.