Spring is springing up all over the place! As it happens every year the weather is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and everything is my closet positively disgusts me. Really, every morning I open the doors, and the corpses of outfits past stare back. The clothes I would still love to wear are all worn, and either have stains, or little holes. I should throw them out, but I am hoping that hobo chic comes back. Then there are the clothes that are still in good shape, because I hate them and never wear them. They just glare out at me in their too sweatery, too dowdy, or too impulse buy looking way. I should probably throw them out too, but then I would feel bad about spending money on them in the first place.
Regardless to say, I have been doing a lot of online browsing as of late.
I don't know what it is about spring, but every year I am sure that I can turn my closet around with just the click of a button. Out will go the oversize tunics, and in will fly classy, yet kind of slutty sundresses that can be worn with snappy sandals, and paired with a light sweater for work. Never mind that I don't have snappy sandals, and that I think all light sweaters accentuate my back fat; the fantasy still exists. I usually start at Ann Taylor, and Anthropologie, veer over to Lane Bryant when I feel my self esteem getting low, and then make a pit stop at Old Navy when I consider the fact Meg will have to go to college.
Oh, Old Navy, what a circus of the pointless.
I will admit that I buy all of my t-shirts and jeans there, and have even found the occasional all purpose schmatta dress for five dollars in the clearance rack. However, when it comes to their "stylish" clothes, I just laugh. Take for example this little item they are offering without irony this season...
Yes, folks, that's right: Old Navy is trying to bring back the jumpsuit. I think they must be stopped.
Never mind that in order to pee any woman wearing one of these will pretty much have to get buck ass naked. Never mind that a bra is pretty much impossible to wear with this, and so a lot of boobies will be swinging in the wind that shouldn't be swinging in the wind. Never mind that the material it is made out of is the tissue paper cotton developed by NASA just for Old Navy, that will guarantee we see the panty lines, and camel toe of every unfortunate woman tricked into buy one of these monstrosities. Actually, mind all of those things, and put on top of them, like a gleaming cherry of fashion injustice, the fact that many, many people were praised, and paid handsomely when they came up with this idea.
Suddenly the things in my closet don't look so bad.
Who am I kidding. Yes they do. I'm going to end up in a fucking jumpsuit.
Just don't laugh at my camel toe.