Thursday, March 11, 2010

Fashion Backassward

Spring is springing up all over the place! As it happens every year the weather is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and everything is my closet positively disgusts me. Really, every morning I open the doors, and the corpses of outfits past stare back. The clothes I would still love to wear are all worn, and either have stains, or little holes. I should throw them out, but I am hoping that hobo chic comes back. Then there are the clothes that are still in good shape, because I hate them and never wear them. They just glare out at me in their too sweatery, too dowdy, or too impulse buy looking way. I should probably throw them out too, but then I would feel bad about spending money on them in the first place.

Regardless to say, I have been doing a lot of online browsing as of late.

I don't know what it is about spring, but every year I am sure that I can turn my closet around with just the click of a button. Out will go the oversize tunics, and in will fly classy, yet kind of slutty sundresses that can be worn with snappy sandals, and paired with a light sweater for work. Never mind that I don't have snappy sandals, and that I think all light sweaters accentuate my back fat; the fantasy still exists. I usually start at Ann Taylor, and Anthropologie, veer over to Lane Bryant when I feel my self esteem getting low, and then make a pit stop at Old Navy when I consider the fact Meg will have to go to college.

Oh, Old Navy, what a circus of the pointless.


I will admit that I buy all of my t-shirts and jeans there, and have even found the occasional all purpose schmatta dress for five dollars in the clearance rack. However, when it comes to their "stylish" clothes, I just laugh. Take for example this little item they are offering without irony this season...



Yes, folks, that's right: Old Navy is trying to bring back the jumpsuit. I think they must be stopped.

Never mind that in order to pee any woman wearing one of these will pretty much have to get buck ass naked. Never mind that a bra is pretty much impossible to wear with this, and so a lot of boobies will be swinging in the wind that shouldn't be swinging in the wind. Never mind that the material it is made out of is the tissue paper cotton developed by NASA just for Old Navy, that will guarantee we see the panty lines, and camel toe of every unfortunate woman tricked into buy one of these monstrosities. Actually, mind all of those things, and put on top of them, like a gleaming cherry of fashion injustice, the fact that many, many people were praised, and paid handsomely when they came up with this idea.

Suddenly the things in my closet don't look so bad.

Who am I kidding. Yes they do. I'm going to end up in a fucking jumpsuit.

Just don't laugh at my camel toe.

19 comments:

Jen O. said...

Ew...that gives me way too much to think about if I ever see someone in one of these. Buck. Ass. Naked.

just making my way said...

Okay. If you end up in a jumpsuit we are all coming to Utah for a serious intervention!

Step away from the jumpsuit!

Kim said...

All of my clothes now only have to pass one important criteria: does this somewhat hide my belly? If we can get past that one hurdle, everything else is of little consequence-- color, cut, material, all I care about is that I don't look 6 months pregnant.

Jessica and Reecey said...

You should pop into Shade and check out the adult onesies.

Kelly said...

I had heard that jumpsuits were coming back in, but hadn't seen any until now. No thank you. I have horrible memories of a denim one my mom used to wear when I was a kid...

melistress said...

Haven't you heard that the 2010s are the new 1980's? Wow, that was awkward. What are we supposed to call the 2010's anyway?

I had a jumpsuit once. Of course I was all of 105lbs soaking wet and I was a starving student who "borrowed" jam from A & W on Campus to spread on the bread I bought with the change I found in the couch. It made my 5'3" if height challengedness look tall and it was loose and dressy...like I was wearing high waisted dress pants so I didn't suffer from Camel toe.

I'm afraid though, darling, that you aren't going to find many stores without jumpsuits. They seem to be coming back...with a vengence.

I'm having nightmares about the acid wash ruffled denim skirts I am seeing in the high end boutiques here. **shudder**

Waiting Lisa said...

There would be very few women that would look good on. And I don't know any of them in real life.

Allison said...

Oh Gawd.

No. No-no-no. Not the jumpsuit.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, this is funny! I remember the jumpsuit. It made peeing quite the experience.

Dual Mom said...

Say it aint so!!!! Not the jumpsuit.

I completely understand the spring fever with regard to wardrobe. Of course, I'll use just about any excuse for a good shopping spree.

Heather said...

Shit. I'm 5'11". Do you know how many jumpsuits fit me?! F-ers.

I'd rather they bring back the acid-washed jeans that I can roll super tightly at my ankles. Only my feet looked big then.

Sam said...

Thanks for a good laugh this morning. I will now be calling Old Navy "circus of the pointless" in perpetuity. I was just there yesterday and saw some of those neon terry-cloth "maxi-dresses" that can only be worn by Nicole Ritchie. Bought like eight of those. ;) (Actually, just some workout socks. :))

Sam said...

P.S. My mom actually made me wear a jumpsuit in the late '70s. A DENIM one. I am still traumatized.

Aunt Becky said...

No. Way. NO. WAY. NO WAY.

Mouthy Housewife said...

I blame Doug Henning.

--Wendi

Amanda said...

I personally love the maxi-sundress that they are offering. It is vaguely reminiscent of when we would play dress up & pull skirts all the way up to are armpits to wear as "dresses".

G said...

I'm scared because I'm sure I'll see something like that at work, or at the very least, in the neighborhood surrounding my job.

Susan said...

If you are tall, the resulting camel toe makes it look like the camel could play piano.

She Said said...

*shudder* Seriously, ewwww. And the thing that is getting me the most is the thought of trying to go to the bathroom in one of those. Living in China right now, it is hard enough to do the squat over the hole thing. Throw in trying to keep a jumpsuit from touching the floor while I precariously squat, and I'd be screwed. Seriously.