Sunday, October 18, 2009

How Lovely to be a Woman

I am all about being a woman. I have never, and will never, wish to be a dude, even on days that I am bloated beyond belief or seemingly hemorrhaging pain as my uterus tries to make a break for it. I love being a woman even though I make less money than my male counterparts, and most likely always will. After all, money can't buy not having genitalia that looks like a reject from the Henson Creature Workshop. I mean, really, you can see variations of female genitals in all kinds of fine art. However, the only place you see representations of male genitals are porn and weapons. (And yes, I know there are plenty of penises in art, but they are just realistic penises, not artistic musings, and most of them are really small. Um, David, are you cold?).

While I love being a woman, I think there are limits. You know, like standing naked in the gym locker room and putting in a tampon while other people are around (true story). Or, wearing a representation of your vulva around your neck.

Really, who would wear one of these? Who is so confident about their vagina, no matter how pretty, that they are willing to wear it around their neck? I mean, I wear a necklace with the letters M.E.G on it and get questions. I can only imagine the queries one of these beauties would bring up.
Stranger: Is that an orchid?
Me: No, it's a sculpture of my labia.
Stranger: Oh.
Like I don't have enough problems with HR.

Of course, if I don't want to wear my vagina (not vajayjay, no bajingo or whatever cute name prime time wants to think up) around my neck, there are other options. The artist who makes these unique pieces also offers "uterus plushies" or "I love my vagina" mugs. I guess because a home isn't a home without a pussy -- er, a cat.

While I don't think I want to own any of these objets d'art, I will still be buying some of them. After all. Christmas is coming up, and I still haven't decided what to get Tara. I just know I want it to be something personal.

19 comments:

Tara said...

EWWW. ewewew. ewww.

Jules said...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!

Yellow Trash said...

Does one of them have genital warts? Wow, that really is personal.

Yellow Trash said...

Also, the top right one looks like it had bad acne as a teenager. And the bottom left-- is that big cowl part of it's fairy cloak? Um, not that I've been thinking about these a lot this morning....

just making my way said...

GAH!!

That is really one of the worst things I have ever seen.

sn0tty said...

Does the brown one HAVE to look like a melted chocolate sea conch gone horribly awry? MY VAG DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT, LIBBY. This is your fault, somehow.

Amanda said...

In some cases, it is the gift that keeps on giving.

Amy Jane said...

I'm giving this as a keychain to my boyfriend for christmas...

Kelly said...

I can't believe it says send 2-3 photo's, I've seen this before, but didn't realize that it was truely a sculpture of your own! Scary. I am also one to not give my business fancy names, it is a vagina, and is what it is. Mea has freaked people out by asking questions about her vagina or urethra in front of others, she's prone to UTI's, (poor baby). But I really just cannot stand it when little kids say that their pee pee hurts, their kukabuk, their coochie, whatever. Come on, no wonder kids are so screwed up about their sexual identities.

Kelly said...

This is truly horrifying. And, what's worse, I'm sure some women think those of us find it horrifying have "issues."

Summer said...

That is 197 different shade of wrong. I need the eye bleach. Someone. Anyone. Please pass the eye bleach.

melistress said...

Um...is that one green? And why? Are there actually women with GREEN labia? And if so, is she human? Like, have we checked. Because I am a little concerned about the color of that one. Maybe that woman is sick? Is her vagina nauseaus (sp?)? Did the sculptor just take "creative license" and make an alien labia? I mean, if I had someone sculpt my labia I would probably want accuracy. It would be really disturbing to know that there is someone running around out there with a sculpture of my vagina and it isn't even accurate. Who poses for stuff like this anyway?

melistress said...

Can't you just see it now, sitting there with your legs wide open and asking someone to take a picture of your labia because you want to have them sculpted to be your newest fashion accessory? I think my husband would have me committed.

Aunt Becky said...

*barfs* I was nauseous before, now I just vomited.

DC Diva said...

This is awful! I am (was) eating!!

Did you see the artist wants PICTURES and full descriptions to personalize them!?!? Who IS this person?

Dunc said...

How in the hell do you find this shit? Or, should I say....discharge?

Aunt Juicebox said...

I'm going to send pictures in and have one made. With a tampon string hanging out of it.

Summer said...

Wow... just, wow.

Sam said...

Okay, I love being a woman, too--so why do I instinctively recoil from even looking at those necklaces?

"Um, David are you cold?" "Every home needs a pussy, er, cat." Classic! :)