Babies and Drunks: A Comparison

In the past two months I have read enough parenting books to make me go blind. I started with "What to Expect the First Year" (which really should be called "Start Comparing Your Child to Others Early") and from there moved on to "The Baby Whisperer," "The Happiest Baby on the Block," "Heading Home With Your Newborn," and "Parenting Means Always Feeling Bad About Yourself." I think I might have made that last one up, I can't be sure. Some of the books were well written, some very poorly, almost all were useless/panic inducing.

It isn't that I am saying I am a super parent. Today, for instance, I put Meg in an outfit that I thought was darling, not realizing that she couldn't straighten her legs in it because it was too small. There have been times I have offered her five bucks just to let me sleep ten more minutes. However, I think that most of the stuff in these books is self explanatory, especially when babies are in the potato phase, as Meg is now. They serve to reaffirm choices parents are making, and let them know they aren't doing a horrible job.

Honestly, the best advice I have received since becoming a parent didn't come from any book. It came from a smart ass friend. He told me just to treat the baby like I would a tiny drunk. No, he didn't mean go through her pockets for loose change (at least, I don't think he did). What he meant was keep her safe, keep her fed, don't let her sit in soiled clothes, and, above all else, keep her happy or things could get ugly.

I have thought a lot about his advice, and not just because it would make the best title of a parenting book EVER. Really, I don't know why anyone has thought of this before. I mean, look at the similarities...

Ways Babies are Like Drunks

• Both are magnets for girls with low self-esteem.
  
• The vomit smell.
  
• Frat boys dress up as both babies and/or drunks for Halloween.
  
• Both wear ridiculous outfits, usually picked out by someone else.
  
• Drooling.
• Both pass out when they have had too much to drink.
  
• It is not unusual for either to greet everyone with a smile, or angry pointless yelling.
  
• Unintentional soiling of the pants is commonplace, and normally not noticed, or thought to be humorous.
  
• Both fight sleep, trying to pretend they aren't tired.
  
• Cross-eyed grins.
• Missing teeth.

I will admit that Meg is cuter than most drunks I know. However, I have known some drunks who are more fun than Meg at 2 in the morning. Once she learns how to tell dirty jokes though, all bets are off. Until then, I will just keep her safe, fed, dry and happy. Oh, and I will use the parenting books to level out the crooked coffee table.