Thursday, August 13, 2009

An Open Letter to Brad Pitt

Dear Brad Pitt,

The next time Ann Curry asks you to do an interview, I think you should refuse. Better yet, I think I you should get a restraining order. You see, I am pretty sure she is stalking you.

I, involuntarily, watch the Today Show every morning. I have to. It's either that or watch traffic cameras. I guess I could watch nothing, but then I would have to keep track of time by watching the clock, and that's too far away for my old eyes. Maybe I should get lasik. But that's not important. What is important is that I observe Ann Curry in almost every annoying moment she is on television. And let me tell you, there is something about interviewing you, or talking about interviewing you that makes her downright creepy.


You can see it first in the eyes. They get a little bulgy. You can see white on all the edges. And she stops blinking, like if she closes her eyes for a second she might miss some of your radiance. Her eyebrows go up too, as if she is trying to make more room to for her eyes to look at you. As Tara says it's "like she's trying to give him an ocular blow job." Yeah, that sounds gross, BECAUSE IT IS.

Her posture changes too, like she is reverting back into junior high girl mode. She crosses her hands, but not too much, because in case you make a move like you want to touch her, she wants to be ready. Oh, and when you do move towards her? She leans in and her hands snap at you like a Venus fly trap. I'm surprised you haven't lost a finger.She has her hand on your ass, doesn't she?

I'm surprised you haven't thought of this before. I mean, haven't you ever wondered why they don't send Meredith or Matt to interview you? You're a huge star, and yet the only person who ever interviews you is the fourth banana. Even Roker is more impressive! I think they all want to interview you, but that they are scared of Ann. No one wants to cross the crazy lady in the office. That's how yogurts get poisoned. Trust me on that one.

I know you need your ego stroked. It feels good when a national television show begs you for time and is willing to cover any of your projects, no matter how ridicuous or self serving. I'm sure Good Morning America would be willing to fawn all over you though, and those reporters probably aren't lurking in your bushes.

Really, check your bushes. Oh, and tell Angie to watch her back too. She may look Asian, but I am betting Curry has a bit of "Single White Female" in her.

Love your work, even "Cool World."

Best wishes,

Libby

16 comments:

Janine said...

hysterical.......I don't trust that one either. I think you're onto something.

erin said...

If you work sort of with her, aren't you afraid of getting in 'trouble'? Or hurting her feelings?

I overheard some nurses talking about how hot he is while they were walking in front of the house. (We live near a hospital and the nurses walk around our neighborhood on their break and smoke, since they're not allowed to smoke on the hospital campus...and they need exercise to combat the effects of smoking?)

The younger of the two says something conversationally normal like, 'He's so hot', the older of the two says 'I'd love to suck his dick!'.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

An ocular blow job ...

That's a new one for me. And definitely a less messy option.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

P.S.

Brad Pitt is aging nicely. Have no craving to blow the guy, but he is nice and rugged looking.

Badass Geek said...

She does seem a little... extraterrestrial.

The Politic's Chick said...

you sure you want to admit to a 'Cool World' liking. Think about it...lol.

Yellow Trash Diaries said...

Every Brad Pitt movie I've seen makes me wish that films were still silent.

Amanda said...

I was going to laugh at "ocular blow job" then I saw that Tara coined that phrase. Now I am turning on it like Sally turns on anyone holing Meg.

Shannon said...

OCULAR blow job...
I'm guess I'm glad I don't know Tara, Amanda, cuz I am literally laughing my ASS off! Which is probably a good thing... I need to lose about half of it somewhere!

Phil said...

You talk as if a woman visibly lusting after a man is a bad thing? More of you ladies could use to learn a thing or two from the esteemed Ann Curry.

MomZombie said...

I've always had mixed feelings about Ann Curry. I couldn't quite figure out why. I think you nailed it. I don't dislike her yet .... something's off.

Dunc said...

LMAO. I will freely admit that I love Ann Curry, and would probably act the way she does with Brad if I were with her......minus the ocular blow job, I hoepe :-)

Tiffany said...

hahahahaha

Aliceson said...

Ann Curry bugs me too. I can't stand the way she reads the top stories at the news desk in the morning (does she even do that anymore?), she talks so darn fast.

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