Friday, June 12, 2009


There are lots of things I dislike in the world. Sand in my shoes. Racism. The Dutch. Anyone who uses the word market as a verb. Topping the list though (especially today)? Runny noses. I do not like them on anyone. They are the only thing that make babies not adorable in my eyes. I can handle the diaper blowouts, and the crying, but show me a snotty kid and I don't know how the human race survives. I don't even like it when my dog's nose is dripping, and that's a sign of canine health. The worst of all though, is when my nose is the one dripping -- as it is now.

I really thought I was going to avoid getting this cold. Ryan came home sick from New Orleans, and usually if he gets the illness first it's a good sign. If he tells me that kids at the school are getting sick, but he's just fine, I know I'm screwed, because it means he's a carrier. So, I was prepared to nurse him through this illness, and then be done. Then on
Wednesday I felt that tickle in the back of my throat, and yesterday woke up yesterday with my head packed full like a new Buster Brown loafer. At first I thought it was a barometric pressure migraine --- until I started to ooze. I haven't stopped since.

Honestly, I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me. I am a cacophony of disgusting sounds. I snort. I slurp. I blow. I lurp. The only thing I will not do it spit, because, even though Ryan says it will help get stuff out of my head, I believe spitting is something ladies do not do. And I am a lady, you fucktards.

One thing I do like about illness is that my use of cold medicine is no longer seen as a "problem." There is nothing better than a good Comtrex high. Yes, I know, some people prefer DayQuil, but it dries me out to the point I can see blood sluggishly moving though my veins. With Comtrex I remain somewhat hydrated, with just the slightest hint of a buzz. It doesn't matter that the cobwebs in my head are making it impossible for me to come up with snappy comebacks, because I am too entertained with the tracers from my hands. Excellent.

Now, if you'll excuse me I am going to go open a bottle of white wine and really get this party started. And by that, I mean put myself into a coma until I stop oozing...


Sandi said...

You're sick? You'll get a baby for sure this week. That seems to be the way it always goes.

Dana's Brain said...

I think I'd like to hear what a lurp sounds like.

Hope you feel better!

LiLu said...

"Anyone who uses the word market as a verb."

YES. Dear God, YES!!!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hang in there and feel better soon.