Career Counseling

I love my job, really I do. It is fits me, and plays to my strengths in that I don’t have to wear a suit, or pretend to be nice to people, or do physical labor. However, even though I really do enjoy my profession, and feel I am relatively good at it, once or twice a year I get an itch to do something else. Usually these itches are scratched when I realize there is no other profession that will pay me as well, or excite me as much as my current one. I mean, there are lots of things I do better, or enjoy doing more, but they really can’t be considered “careers.” Oh, but if they were…

Five Jobs I Would Love, If They Were Real Professions

1. Professional Heckler Many times I have had people ask me if I have considered doing stand up comedy. My answer is usually “I don’t like to stand.” Really though, I would be a lousy stand up comic. I mean, I’m funny. I know I’m funny. I am just not that kind of funny. My humor is less about routines, and more about mocking whatever is going on around me. That’s why the position of professional heckler would be perfect. I have never seen a comic that I couldn’t mock. Bands and public speakers are also highly mockable. The only problem is, most people on stage don’t want attention, or money, going to a person off stage making them look like an ass. Instead, they usually just want to beat that person up. Trust me.
2. Anxiety Attack Counselor Believe it or not, I am excellent at talking people through anxiety attacks, most likely because I have experienced so many of them firsthand. No, I don’t want to be a psychologist or other mental health professional, that requires going back to school and listening to people’s pissing and moaning. I just want to be the person called in when the room is spinning and someone is about to lose their shit. Then it’s my time to shine. I can get someone taking deep breaths, and concentrating on nonsensical happy thoughts in just minutes. I don’t think I could afford the liability insurance for such a job though.
3. Ridiculous Dancer I am a horrible dancer. I am sure I have mentioned this before (because it scarred my psyche), but when I was a kid my tap dance teacher told my Mom my taking lessons was a waste of her money and my time. Despite that, I love to dance. According to Ryan it is quite a sight to see. So, why not let people see it? For a small fee I will come to any event and start dancing. Then, everyone else will relax, because they know they can’t dance worse than I do, and take to the floor. I could call myself a “covert party starter.” Believe it or not, this is the most plausible alternative career option.
4. Personal Speechwriter Have to make a speech at a wedding/funeral/gradutation/bris but have no clue what to say that isn’t boring/inappropriate/borderline racist? Well, that’s where I come in! I am great at impromptu speeches, especially when there are people present to mock (see number one). I will write you a speech, and (for an added fee) coach you on how to give it! My services are cheap! So cheap in fact there is no way I could make a living it this. I mean, I guess I could if I wanted to write “major speeches” as well as nuptial toasts, but that just sounds like too much pressure.
5. Blogger Really, who the hell makes a living at that? No, I mean people who haven’t made deals with the devil.
   

I am sure if I had the moxie I could make at least one of those careers work out. However, instead of moxie I have a house payment, and the possibility of a child. So, I guess for now I will be playing it safe. Or maybe I can become an insane person’s job counselor… I mean, in my free time away from my real job.