Monday, March 30, 2009

Good Bloggie

Today it came to my attention that Martha Stewart's dogs have their own blog. I would give you the link, but then you might leave this page and go to that one, and I am not giving those little bitches any help. The fact that these dogs have their own blog upsets me for many reasons, but two rise above the rest as especially annoying -- the fact that those dogs get more hits a day than I have ever gotten in the history of this blog, and the fact that if any dog should have a blog, it's Sally.

1. Sally is the Real Deal I know I haven't mentioned this before, but Sally can type. No, it's true. Her weird sixth toe makes it totally possible. She actually types faster than I do, and with fewer mistakes. That means she could actually write her own blogs. I have a sneaking suspicion that Martha's dogs use a ghost writer. After all, everyone knows dogs can't watch Bill O'Reilly. His voice makes their heads explode.

2. Sally Would Tackle the Issues Let's face it, very few blogs talk about serious problems, and look for real solutions. Hell, if I start typing something meaningful Blogger instantly shuts down and this message pops up: "Error 405. Potentially serious content detected. Please go back to bitching about television and your period." Sally wouldn't put up with that shit though. She would find a way to post her critique of the current auto industry bailout using Derrida's deconstructionist theories. She's just that kind of dog.

3. No Vanity Pics First of all, Sally hates having her picture taken. She thinks it objectifies her. Second, she prefers the feeling of impressionist painting. You would never see her riding an alligator to get cheap laughs.

4. Sally Would Respond to Comments Sally is less of a stand up comic-type, and more a conversation facilitator. In the backyard, she puts all of her "babies" in an Algonquin round table formation before deciding which one will have it's limbs ripped off that day. I think she would do the same with her blog. She wouldn't want to just have people consumer her words, she would want them to respond, and respond to their responses. I mean, unless they start defending George W. Bush. Not even she has time for that shit.

5. Sally Doesn't Drink It may make her a buzzkill at parties, but it will guarantee readers won't have to put up with any bullshit random posts that seem really funny after half a bottle of Savignon Blanc. You know, like what kind of blog the cats would write. Oh, and she would never use stupid puns in the title of a post...

Of course, all of this is conjecture (except for the typing part, someone had to do my taxes). Sally and I have never actually talked about her doing a blog. I mean, I tried, but she just shook her head and went back to reading the latest Saramago book. In Spanish. And I went and got another drink...


Cate said...

Sally doesn't drink, but she is easily distracted with cheese.

Anonymous said...

You may be the funniest woman alive!