Thursday, January 29, 2009

An Open Lettter to the Mother of Octuplets

Dear Ma'am,

Congratulations on your puppies, er, I mean babies. They are truly a medical miracle, just like the guy who had an ear grafted onto his arm. Well, not just like it, your babies are probably less freaky looking, but they both fall into the category of things medical science can do, but probably shouldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I am not judging you! Who am I do judge? I am likely taking the exact same fertility drugs you took in order to get your brood. The only difference is that my doctor is responsible, um, I mean, a buzzkill. He actually monitors me, and adjusts my medications to make sure that I don't end up turning my uterus into a clown car. Actually, I think most fertility doctors are like that, damn them. Something about some kind of oath. Of course, you have not confirmed if you used fertility drugs to have your babies, so it could be that nature, and not a doctor handing out Follistim like it was roofies at a rave is responsible for your births. If that is the case, I would suggest tracing your family roots, since you are likely part Schnauzer.

I have to admit that I was a little concerned for your well being when I first heard about the births, but now I see that you are an old pro at this motherhood stuff, having given birth to six other children previously. Those kids are so lucky! They won't have to worry about parental oversight at all. I mean, unless you get a TLC show and then they have cameras following them around every day. I don't think they'll have to worry about that though, because even Jon and Kate will likely lose their development deal once their kids start getting acne and bad attitudes. Their teenage years will be free!! Really, only the Duggars have figured out the way around this whole "older kids are non-telegenic" conundrum. They just keep having one at a time, mixing the new in with the old. Wow, actually, you may have both families beat. After all, you have the older kids, and then you have the extreme multiple birth. Yours might be a show that surpasses basic cable and goes straight to prime time. Good for you!

Let me know if I can help with anything. I mean, on the off chance that you decide you don't want all eight babies, I would be happy to take one off your hands. I'll even take the ugly one. Of course, from what I have read, you are planing to keep all of them, and even breastfeed all of them. In that case, let me offer you my service as lackey, since you are going to need lots of Gatorade and smoothies to keep up with that amount of milk output. You probably won't have time to eat real food, since you will always be feeding one of them. I mean, unless that Schnauzer thing is true and you have multiple nipples...

Best of luck,



She Said said...

Hear, hear! Great letter.

Julie Checkoway said...

Dog gone good letter.

Amanda said...

Good letter!

Cate said...

I am going to laugh when you find out you are going to have 6 babies. I already have TLC on speed dial.

Jessica and Reecey said...

Hilarious. This is why I can't get enough of Libby.