Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Salt Lake Tea Party

There is a battle brewing in America. It is the battle to preserve plain ice tea.

You used to be able to get plain tea pretty much anywhere except below the Mason Dixon line -- where they put enough sugar in it to send you into a diabetic coma. Now though, it is a rare thing to find it at a soda fountain or being served in restaurants. Oh, sure, you can order ice tea, but it isn't just ice tea. It's some weird raspberry/mango/passion fruit/guava shit. And they don't even warn you! If you ordered a steak, they would tell you if they were going to wrap it in mint leaves and bamboo, wouldn't they? But they just assume they can mess with tea and no one will notice. And if you try to send it back? The look of death. Like you're a philistine because you can't enjoy the blend of tea and berry burst Kool Aid.

I love ice tea more than I can say. If I were ever to write a haiku, it would be about ice tea. I almost (I said almost) prefer it to wine. When both are on the menu I have a hard time choosing. Of course, that is made easier when I ask if it's plain tea and the waiter responds that it is a special blend of tea, dragon snot, and tangerines. Then I need a glass of wine just to forget such a combination exists.

The last bastion of good ice tea? Starbucks. It pains me, but that is the one place I can now walk in, order ice tea and know what I am getting. Sure, they offer me passion fruit, or green tea options, but don't scoff when I want it cold and black -- just like my heart.

So, I am urging you, join the rebellion! Demand regular ice tea! If you aren't going to do it for you, do it for me. I don't want to end up on the evening news, charged with assault for whipping a "cherry coolada" ice tea at the head of some unsuspecting waiter's head. I doubt you want that either. Then what would you do with your off time at work? Read newspapers? Work more? I don't think so.

I think Denis Leary said it best. Just substitute "ice tea" for coffee...


Pasifik said...

Great posting!




God I haven't had an ice tea in years! I didn't think that they still did ice tea which is a bit sad!

And yeah, there are actually some legitimate people on the Blogger Group and we've tried to stop the sex spammers!!


Amanda said...

Cate & I went to Pei Wei for lunch the other day and while they offer two types of iced tea, one is mixed à la chai (which is a combination of dirt & cinnamon - just like Mom used to make) and the other one is some fruity blast of tea. NO! Tea is black, cold and not trifled with by adding stupid flavors.

I am with you on your iced tea crusade. Have we become such a pansy society that even basic beverages have to have a fruity flavor??

calicobebop said...

Yes, I'm with you. Start a petition, I'll sign it! And I live in the SOUTH! Seriously, if they can't make it like my Grammie, then they shouldn't try. I think they add all that other crap because they can't make a decent glass of tea to begin with!

Jamie said...

My mother and I are with you on this. We've griped the lemon and sugar options everywhere (see if you can find Lipton Unsweetned no lemon anywhere), let alone passionberry and mango watermelon.

Emily-Ione said...

Too true!
I don't want a fruity beverage unless it's ust come out of a blender and it's full of rum with an umbrella sticking out of it..... Oooh Colada...I digress.

I feel the same way about lemonade... since when did lemonade require other fruits to make it refreshing?