Falling Down

My driver's license says I weigh 120 pounds. My driver's license sits on a throne of lies. However, while I am a few pounds more than my "official" weight, I never thought I weighed enough to break a chair. That is, until last night. There I was sitting on the back porch, sipping some wine, talking with friends, watching Ryan grill, when I heard a creaking sound underneath me. The chair started to move, and even though it didn't all collapse at once, I was helpless, unable to stand up or move before I was flat on the ground with the wreckage underneath me. It was like being in a slow motion car crash -- with people standing there laughing at you the whole time.

Of course, the chair was several years old, and has been sitting, uncovered, on our back porch to suffer the Utah elements since we got it. Also, after my fall (of course), it was revealed to me that earlier in the evening another person had been sitting in the chair and gotten off when he leaned back and it started cracking. However, I still think it was mostly my fault -- especially when you consider my recent history of breaking things.

My first accidental destruction of property that could have ended in injury happened just about five years ago. In the backyard of my parent's house there was an old swing hanging from a tree. No one had ever sat on it, but I pulled on it, and it felt sturdy, so I thought I would try it out. Two swings and I was flat on my back on the ground. My Dad helped me up and brushed me off. My Mother was too busy being doubled over with laughter.

It was about three years ago that I destroyed our hammock. Picture it: Ryan's 30th birthday party. A feeling of joy and love in the air. Why wouldn't we try to put as many people in a hammock as possible? We learned very quickly that three was just over the limit. Not only did the hammock go down -- it broke the stand that was CEMENTED INTO THE GROUND in half. Luckily we all had been drinking, so we all went limp. Again, much laughter ensued.

A swing, a hammock, and now a chair. The list of things I have broken by sitting on them is now almost as long as the list of animals that have bitten me on vacations. But that's another blog. Let's just say that from now on I will be very careful where I put my ass. At least until I'm back to my driver's license weight.