Thursday, March 6, 2008

What a Fu*@%!ng Joke

I love to swear. It is truly one of my favorite things in the world. And I like to think I'm good at it. I can replace nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositional phrases -- you name it, I can figure out how to make it obscene. My mother claims I once told the Vice Principal of my Junior High that swearing was my hobby and that I tried to use "at least one new obscene and offensive word a day." I think she's making that up though, because if I had really said that I probably would have added "Got a problem with that, Fuckface?"

I think people who can't, or won't, swear are probably either psychologically frigid, or just not that imaginative. So, you can imagine my reaction when I read that the city of South Pasadena has decided to make the first week of March "no swearing week." Oh, but they call it cussing, because they are all seven year old girls. This was, of course, started by a middle schooler, and, instead of beating him senseless as they should have done, quickly gained ground with the city council, obviously anxious for national attention, no matter how ridiculous. They say by declaring the first week of March each year (yeah, this isn't the one time type of stupidity) they are restoring "civility" to their city. They are encouraging people to use expressions such as "oh, fudge" and "darn it." Now, I live in the swear substitution capitol of the world, and I have to tell you, there is nothing civil about"oh, fudge" if it's said correctly. Actually, I think it's even ruder, because the person letting you have it doesn't care to give you 100 percent.

So, in response to South Pasadena's crusade against my favorite things, I would like to encourage all readers of Libby Logic, far and wide, obscene and timid, to let their mouths go. Really give it to the world. Help your mailman out when his bag looks "damn heavy." Tell your friends that they are "all your bitches." And don't forget to tell your mother that you "fucking love her." Mom, I fucking love you, man. See, wasn't that heart warming? South Pasadena just doesn't understand that kind of love. How shitty.


Amanda said...

Only in our family, would our Mother respond with a similar response.

I think they used Provo as the model for this wonder week.

Ellen said...

Damn it! Weren't you even listening this week during the very important KSL editorial that ran directly after your very important newscast!

Dave said...

Utah Junior High kids can do it better!
Students vow to reject Internet porn
They even threw monitors!

Valerie said...

Sweet mormon baby jesus loves wine too.

L@pterces said...

A hella fine quote from Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home:

Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumb-ass on you" and so forth.
Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.