Who the hell invented this hairstyle? Really, it had to be a joke. I'm sure some smart-ass hairstylist was sick of dealing with over an overly difficult client and thought "what can I do to really make him look like a penis?" Voila, the faux hawk was born. And now it has taken over the world.
Everywhere you look there is someone with one of these pointy monstrosities. "Look at me," they seem to say, "I'm dangerous! I mean, unless I'm in a situation where I shouldn't be, and then I have a safe bowl cut." The faux hawk is on television, in movies, in magazines, on the streets, and filling our schools. Ryan says the hallways at the middle school are teeming with faux hawks. It must look like a living box of slightly dull pencils.
Something needs to be done! We must warn this generation of the abject horror they will feel when looking back at their "faux hawk" years. Does no one remember the mullet? The male anchor on my show had one -- and now we torture him mercilessly with a picture of it. We've even put it on air. Do we really want the children to suffer such psychological torture later on? Aren't we supposed to be making the world a better place for them to live. I mean, fuck global warming, let's get Al Gore on this! I can see it now-- "An Unfortunate Haircut: The 73 Minute Power Point Presentation."
I am really beginning to worry that there is only one way to stop this menace -- and that is for me to get a faux hawk. You see, I have this strange ability of killing trends. Do you miss grunge? Yeah, so do I. I had just stocked up on flannel shirts when as the final nails were being put into the coffin. Remember claw bangs? The minute I finally figured out how to use a round brush the whole trend deflated. And acid washed jeans? Don't even get me started. So, unless this faux hawk fury disappears soon, I might just have to take one for the team. But I really, really, hope it doesn't come to that.
So, please, for the good of my hair, stop the madness. Shave a faux hawk. It may result in an assault charge, but it will save the world.
Haters gonna get vagina-punched
11 hours ago