Thursday, October 11, 2007

An open letter to Alexis Stewart

Dear Alexis,

Please do not reproduce.

I saw you on Oprah yesterday afternoon, bemoaning how, at 42, having a baby has not been an easy process. I heard you whine about how much you wanted a baby, but not just any baby, the fruit of your WASPy womb. I saw you lay out all of the medications and shots you have to give yourself, and heard you say (with a bit of snooty pride, I might add) how the whole process costs you 28-THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH.

Alexis, I realize that you were so busy having a career and arguing with your mother that having a child may have slipped your mind. However, that does not mean you are automatically owed a child later on. It's too late, you missed out, get on with it. I missed out on being a child prodigy and traveling around Europe after college. Life is about picking and choosing. I could strap on a backpack and join Mensa now, but it would just make me look pathetic and sad. Just like you.

I think my feelings towards you would be different if you displayed any joy in the possibly of having a child. I mean, you said "I look at it as sort of a chore." So, what happens if you are successful and this long awaited and very expensive baby springs forth from your body? I am imagining that after all of your struggles you will be expecting more from it than just a normal child. What if it cries? Or is developmentally delayed? Or a shabby dresser? Maybe you should only spend 14-thousand dollars a month on treatments and save the rest for the eventual therapy.

Also, please don't adopt. I'm sure that will be your next course of action once your "dry, crusty" eggs (your words, not mine) prove to disappoint. You'll go trotting off to China, or Vietnam or Romania looking for the perfect import. But, of course, this child will just serve as a constant reminder of your failings, which I'm sure you will make clear to her (of course it will be a her) every day.

Maybe I'm wrong about you Alexis. Maybe you are a lovely person who has genuine reasons for wanting a child and will turn out to be a fabulous mother. For any potential children you have, I hope so. However, I think your just in it for the Bugaboo stroller, the adorable outfits, and to get your mother off your back. And that is not a good thing.



Tara said...

That was awesome!...promise you'll never turn on me...

Amy said...

BRAVA! She's been getting on my last nerve since that article in People... what a self absorbed nutcase...

As for the potential for "dry crusty eggs", as soon as mine go, I want YOU to be the friend to come with me to Africa to help me pick the best orphan $9.99 can buy:)