Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Who needs enemies...

It is that time of year again when charities employ athletic events in an attempt to raise money. Ryan is doing the Swing-a-Thon for breast cancer and my friend Burk yesterday informed everyone that he will be riding 150 miles to fight MS. But what should have been a time of pride and support quickly turned into an e-mail assault on me and this blog. I have reproduced the e-mails here -- making the evidence public in my upcoming libel and defamation of character lawsuits.

Burk wrote:

I’ve been drafted to ride in the MS 150 coming up this June. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s really fucked up. They’re going to give Multiple Sclerossis to 150 people?” Well that’s what I thought, too, and I went down to “speak” with the brazen fuckers with a Molotov cocktail. But it turns out this is a bike ride to raise money for programs that help people with MS! Boy did I feel foolish! After a little research, and a little jail time over another "arson" charge, I decided that this really is a good cause, and the money actually goes to fight MS, and not to line the pockets of Washington “fat cats”, or to give clean drinking water to Africans like some charities I could mention.

Now I realize that some of you, like Libby, will confuse MS with MSG, and respond “fuck you Burke, I likes my MSG”. And I know that some of you are Jewish, and therefore don’t believe in charity. And that’s totally cool. This is America, and I’d fight to the death to defend your indefensible views. But if we can all look past our religious handicaps, or other moral shortcomings, and look in your heart and agree that MS is a bad thing, and should be stopped, goddamnit, because it isn’t helping anybody, sign on to the MS website at:

Choose to pledge/sponsor a participant (and please enter my name, "Burke Byrne", and not "Jack Ass" for god’s sake) and give me money. Remember, every little bit helps prevent me from ponying up the entire 200 dollar entry fee.

And if you don’t choose to lend your support, I understand, and I’m sure you have your reasons for thinking MS is a good thing.

Honestly- no pressure, but it is a good cause.

Now, that was bad enough -- but then Ben had to pipe up:

I would just like to take this opportunity to object to both the Swing-a-Thon and the MS Ride. Obviously, I support the causes for which they are intended to benefit, but I feel that these fundraisers are too soft-core. I mean, who doesn't want to get out and ride a bike on a beautiful spring day (besides my wife, who is afraid of bikes). I can't remember what the Swing-a-Thon entails, but I imagine it is either wife-swapping, swing dancing, or swinging a baseball bat at something, all of which are a good time, especially when done outdoors on a beautiful Utah spring day. Of course people will toss in some cash because of they support you and the charities, but I think if you really want people to sponsor you for a charity, you have to make some sacrifices and do something that people actually want to see you do apart from their general charitable and friendly nature.

However, I'm not one of these assholes who just complains and does not propose a solution; I am a different kind of asshole -- a thinking man's asshole. So here is my fundraising proposal, and I am willing to put my money where my mouth is ...

1. Tongue Kissing a Senior Citizen - $0.05 per year of age per minute, 70 year old minimum, and double if it is same-sex. (Ex: Burke tongue kissing an 80-year-old man for 10 consecutive minutes = $0.05 * 80 * 10 * 2 = $80 for MS from each sponsor)

2. Olive Oil Power Hour - $4 each for the first 10 shots of olive oil, $6 each for the next 10, and $5 for each after that. No light oil ... only the real deal.

3. Ice Water Testicles - $2 for each minute testicles are submerged in bucket of ice water.

4. Reading Libby's Blog - $5 per correct answer on the "Libby's Blog Quiz." What are Ryan's favorite fruits? How many pies has Libby made in her life? Don't know? Better study up!

5. Testimony - $5 per minute of bearing testimony at a Mormon church of my choosing. $5 bonus for every different sexual position or act incorporated seamlessly into said testimony.

Then Justin decided to pile on:

Ben, What do I get for a prolonged tongue kiss with the prophet after kicking back a Costco bottle of olive oil with my sack stuck to a block of ice. I'll do anything to raise money for a good cause, except read that damn blog again.

And these are the people I call my friends...