Monday, April 23, 2007

Point, set, fat

I am back on Weight Watchers. I was on the program this time last year and lost 12 pounds -- which quickly appeared back on my ass the moment I quit. I was on it again in December -- but quit because the Clomid I'm taking to try and get pregnant was making me gain weight -- and I didn't want to punish myself any more than I already was. However, over the past few months the Clomid excuse has gotten old -- after all, it does not cause you to gain 15 pounds each month and eat an entire cheese pizza every other day. I needed to at least police my eating again -- even if it meant not losing weight as quickly. Hence the Weight Watchers. I just forgot one thing -- Weight Watchers royally sucks ass.

I am doing the "flex" program -- which in theory means I can eat whatever I want within limits. Those limits pretty much include looking at food, smelling it, but not putting it in my mouth. At least not the food I want to eat. I can have all the vegetables I want. Mmmm, radishes. When I can eat the food I want it is in extremely small portions. A cup of cooked pasta. Do you know how little that is? It's like half a child's portion at any God fearing restaurant.
And that's what nothing on it! No cheese! No sauce! No Butter! Don't even get me started on how much this program hates butter, or I like to call it, life lube. And yet, for one cup of dry pasta I have to give up four points! And I only get nineteen a day! A single piece of bread is two points! I can longer enjoy my favorite snack of nine pieces of bread without going over my limits. I've had to cut back to eight! And the healthy stuff has points too. Milk, two points. An apple, two points. It makes me want to eat nothing healthy -- in order to save my points for the junk. Let's see two points for an apple or a glass of wine? I think we all know what I'm going to pick.

The thing that really bugs me though? The fact that exercise doesn't get you much. 40 minutes on the elliptical machine? 2 points. That is one piece of bread. Oh, and I get to check a little box on my daily progress chart. Um, if I have the gumption to put on work out clothes, go tot he gym and stay on the machine for 40 minutes I should get a hot fudge sundae covered with onion rings -- and at least two checks on my chart.

However, WW is not all bad. For instance, I never have to deal with people. It's all online. Yes, they suggest meetings, but that just wouldn't mesh with my personality. After all, I really don't like people all that much. And when I'm hungry and grumpy I like them even less. And some of the people on WW are just such "can-do" assholes that I think I would eat my arm just to get away from them. I tried to go into the chat rooms online once -- and could only stay for about ten minutes. First of all, it was emoticon city. I saw smiley faces made of every kind of punctuation imaginable. Second, some of the people are so optimistic about everything. There are people who write that they don't eat all their points every day -- and they don't feel hungry. Um, I call bullshit. If you didn't want all your points you wouldn't on Weight Watchers. So, if I had to meet these people in person I think I would just end up making one of them cry -- and unless that counts as exercise I doubt WW would smile on it. Even with emoticons.

I think Ryan will be happy when I'm off WW, even if it makes me gain 50 pounds. He is very tired of being reminded how many points are in everything he puts in his mouth. He's also tired of me taking bites of everything he eats because stolen food doesn't count as points. Well, we all must suffer so I will look pretty in a swimsuit in Mexico.

I wonder how many points are in a margarita the size of my head?


Amanda said...

Drink mescal - the worm counts as extra protein.

cate said...

I think if I were Ryan, I would have punched you the first time you told me how many points were ina glass of wine.