Reason

I do not want to be the depressed mom.

Last night, when I was writing my latest "depression and I are fighting again" post, I was sitting across from Meg as she played with her new hand me down princess make-up kit, and watched "Toy Story 3."

I started crying. I didn't mean to, and I don't like to cry in front of Meg, but the tears just started.

She looked at me and said "don't be sad." I said I wasn't, that I was okay. She said "I'm getting down for you," and hopped out of her chair. She walked around the table and took my hand. "C'mere," she said, and led me back to her side of the table. "Sit down," she said, and I did. She climbed up on my lap, put her head on my chest, and we watched the movie together.

I was really touched. I felt so loved, and so safe. I was going to blog about how wonderful she is, and how we take care of each other. Then, this morning, I woke up and I felt so angry. Not at Meg, but at me. No 2-year old should have to comfort their parent. I mean, maybe in a bruised knuckle situation, but nothing like this.

She deserves better. The dog? Maybe not...

So, now I have another reason to make changes. Actually, I have the biggest reason to make changes. My child will not grow up wondering when Mom's next crying fit might come, or if it's one of those "crazy" days. She will not have to feel like she is my emotional support, but will know I am hers. She will be the child, and the most loved child, at that.

It's been easy in the past to let myself down. After all, I thought I was a failure to begin with. Now, though, I am not going to let Meg down. She deserves more.

Operation better attitude starts now.

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Attitude Adjustment

My attitude, as of late, sucks.

There is no other way to say it. No way to sugar coat it, or chalk it up to "low self esteem" or "seasonal malaise." It isn't a funny, crumudgeonly "you kids get off my lawn" type, or a snarky "what is Ann Curry wearing today" kind. It's a dark, and bitter attitude; one that wallows in defeat, and sees little hope in the future. It laughs at motivational techniques, or looking on the bright side. It's demanding too. It will wake me up in the middle of the night just to remind me what a failure I am, how I have let all of my potential go by, how it is too late to do anything about it, and how it is all my fault.

I told you: it just totally sucks.

And you were wondering why I haven't been blogging more often. I figured you could just read some Bukowski.

I would love to say this is just depression, but this doesn't feel the depression of the past. With that it feels like something outside of me. Something that I could alter with my medications or with therapy. This feels different. It feels organic, and deep rooted. However, unlike the regular depression, this doesn't feel like something I have to treat with drugs, or therapy. This feels like something I can take action to change. Actually, I think the only way to fix it is to make changes. To do something.

I just need to figure out what that something is.

Running?

Writing? If so, about what?

Erotic French Cooking Classes? No, I'm afraid of the oil burns. I don't think a trip to the ER would give me the sense of accomplishment and well being I seek.

Learn how to play an instrument? Do people still appreciate the Sousaphone?

Maybe saying one nice thing a day about my life, and concentrating on that? Could it be that simple?

Well, that would at least be slightly less sucky... I guess that's something.

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Groundbreaking Post

I hate the "I have nothing to say" blog posts.* 

Don't you? 

After all, if you have nothing to say, why are you saying something? 

I mean, besides the fact that it's the American way. 

If nothing else, when nothing else is working, can't they make up some fantastical story? Maybe something with snakes and a plane? Or a small man with big feet who has a magic ring? Perhaps a tale about a unicorn -- no, wait -- the LAST unicorn! I would rather read all of those.

Oh, and what about when they try to make up for the lack of substance with cute pictures?

Oooh! That reminds me! Look at this new pic of Meg!

OMG, she really needs to shave...

KIDDING! The moustache is fake. GOTCHA!

Don't even get me started about how they try to make it seem like they are showing you something new, but then pull out a video that has been EVERYWHERE that week.

Ladies and Gentlemen, THE MUPPETS!

Of course, there are those who try to "meta blog" about it. Those are the WORST! Trying to be all Smarty McSmartpants when really they are Nothing VanNadatosay.

Yeah, I hate those posts.

*This is one of those posts.

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