Vote Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin is not funny. I think we all discovered that with this weekend's edition of "Saturday Night Live." She was stiff, she looked unhappy, and she had no sense of play. Despite that though, some people are determined to try and find the good in her appearance on the show. My co-worker Candice is one of those people. This morning, despite my numerous objections, she insisted that Palin had to be given credit for going on the show at all. She said her appearance showed she is a good sport. Whatever. I said if she was going to do it, she should have at least tried to look happy about it. Candice then dismissed my opinion, saying that there is nothing Sarah Palin could do in order to change my opinion of her. Now, that stung. I like to think of myself as an open-minded person, even if I'm probably not. Now I feel I must do something to save my reputation. So, here, for Candice, is a very special list of five.

Five Ways Sarah Palin Could Change My Opinion of Her and Make Me Re-think My Vote

1. She Could Promise to Leave the Constitution Alone This is the thing that bugs me about extremely conservative Republicans is that they say they want smaller government, but then try to change the very fundamentals of it. Palin is no different. Just this weekend she said she supports a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage -- a move her own running mate has called "antithetical in every way to the core philosophy of Republicans." Also, it doesn't make sense in the historical context of the Constitution. The last time it was modified to deal with a social issue was prohibition. How did that work out? Oh, yeah, it didn't.

2. She Could Go Off-Script Honestly, if Palin were to speak off the cuff, AND MAKE SENSE; I might be so shocked that I would be too confused not to vote for her. Everything she says is so obviously written for her by someone else, and she is so obviously afraid to speak for herself, that it makes it very easy to question her ability to think for herself. And I know, "it's about the people she picks to surround her in office that count." But how can Palin be depended on to pick the right people, when she can't even pick her own words.

3. She Could Start Pronouncing the Letter G The suffix is “ing” not “in’.” I know that she does this to appear more “folksy,” and appeal to “average Americans,” but I know lots of Americans, most of them average, and few of them consistently speak as if they are going to a hoedown. They aren’t stupid, and should not be addressed as such. Actually, this one goes for McCain and Obama too. Biden is the only leading candidate I haven’t heard trying to talk like a hick to win votes.

4. She Could Stop Lying Yes, all of the candidates tell half-truths, but Palin’s are just so obvious and egregious. Alaska is NOT the primary domestic supplier of oil and gas to the U.S., she did NOT say “thanks but no thanks” to the bridge no nowhere, and she was NOT exonerated by an ethics investigation into the firing of her public safety commissioner. There are others, but I don’t want to go overboard, after all, I’m looking on Sarah Palin’s bright side. Let’s just say that if she were honest enough to admit the truth in these and other situations, own up to not necessarily doing the right thing, and talk about what she might do differently in the future, that would be the most presidential thing anyone has done in this election. Of course, someone would have script it for her first.

5. She Could Explode I'm not totally heartless. If she exploded I would feel bad and possibly give her a pity vote. I live in Utah, which will go Republican anyway, so it wouldn't matter anyway, so I could do that.

Wow, five ways Sarah Palin could change my mind about her and possibly win my vote. I didn’t think I would make it. Of course, none of these things will happen, and I doubt Sarah Palin really wants me, or people like me, to vote for her. I don’t even think she wants people like Candice – since she is a part of the “media elite.” And after Candice has done for her… What an ingrate. Yet another reason to vote Obama/Biden.