I do not want to be the depressed mom.
Last night, when I was writing my latest "depression and I are fighting again" post, I was sitting across from Meg as she played with her new hand me down princess make-up kit, and watched "Toy Story 3."
I started crying. I didn't mean to, and I don't like to cry in front of Meg, but the tears just started.
She looked at me and said "don't be sad." I said I wasn't, that I was okay. She said "I'm getting down for you," and hopped out of her chair. She walked around the table and took my hand. "C'mere," she said, and led me back to her side of the table. "Sit down," she said, and I did. She climbed up on my lap, put her head on my chest, and we watched the movie together.
I was really touched. I felt so loved, and so safe. I was going to blog about how wonderful she is, and how we take care of each other. Then, this morning, I woke up and I felt so angry. Not at Meg, but at me. No 2-year old should have to comfort their parent. I mean, maybe in a bruised knuckle situation, but nothing like this.
She deserves better. The dog? Maybe not...
So, now I have another reason to make changes. Actually, I have the biggest reason to make changes. My child will not grow up wondering when Mom's next crying fit might come, or if it's one of those "crazy" days. She will not have to feel like she is my emotional support, but will know I am hers. She will be the child, and the most loved child, at that.
It's been easy in the past to let myself down. After all, I thought I was a failure to begin with. Now, though, I am not going to let Meg down. She deserves more.
Operation better attitude starts now.