That's the dirty little secret about going off meds when you have been on them so long. There are moments when it is the best feeling ever.
Now, I am not saying that being suicidal, or crying uncontrollably, or thinking that everyone is out to get you is fun. Those are the reasons for medication. At least the reasons for my medication. However, the medications also dull the other emotions that can be larger than life for a person with depression -- like joy, and love, and excitement. Once the meds are gone those feelings are so overwhelming it's like no one else has ever, or will ever feel them that way ever again. You kind of feel bad for people on an emotional even keel.
For instance, last Thursday Meg and I were playing some stupid game, and she crawled into my lap and put her cheek against mine. I breathed in the smell of her hair and my eyes filled with tears because I love her so much. At that moment I KNEW no Mom could love a child more. With that feeling I really believed I could balance out the absolute emotional destruction when the pendulum swings the other way.
Wait, no it didn't. That's just crazy talk.
While those feelings are wonderful, and exhilarating, and make you think life is dull without them, they are just a trick. A mirage to bring you in that leaves you sucking sand. And in the end, feeling pretty good all the time, instead of feeling either stupendously terrific or world endingly bad, is an excellent trade off -- especially if you have a kid.
I'm glad to be back.
I mean, not crazy glad -- after all, I'm on meds.