Tuesday, January 18, 2011

In The Event of My Death

I am getting to the age where I am attending funerals on a more regular basis. I mean, not weekly or anything, but more than I have in the past. They are funerals for parents of friends, or friends of parents, and, while none of these people are ancient, no one at theses events says things like "they were just so young," or "what a tragic accident." Like most people at funerals, I usually stop thinking about the deceased pretty early into the service, and start thinking about myself. More specifically though, I start thinking about my funeral, and how I really don't want it to be so boring people stop thinking about me, and start thinking about themselves.

To that end, I am laying down these ground rules, to be followed at my funeral/memorial service/shooting of my ashes and/or frozen head into space:

1. Drinks and food will be served before, during and after. No one is going to have to sit through the whole thing in order to get a glass of wine. In fact, I think the whole thing should start off with a drink. Also, if someone needs a nosh right in the middle, I don't want them having to dig through their purse for a stale breath mint. Nope, not at my funeral.

2. No one gets to speak for more than four minutes. Let's face it, brevity is wit; and I don't want my funeral to be anything other than witty. I figure that four minutes allows people who really knew and loved me to share something from their hearts without getting maudlin, or saying something unintentionally mean. It also is short enough that people who are just attending out of courtesy don't feel they are being held hostage.

3. The words "she loved life" must not be uttered. I mean, duh. Of course I loved life, that's why I stuck around as long as I did. Also, I didn't love life all the time, no one does. If anyone has to use such platitudes, they probably don't even need four minutes to talk about me, and should be made to stop talking immediately. Oh, in this same vein, if I die of some horrible disease, no one is allowed to say I "fought valiantly." I know me. I probably fought whinily, and bitchily, so that's how I want to be remembered.

4. No pictures, please. If people don't know what I looked like, then why the hell are they at my funeral? Also, I don't want them to feel like I'm watching them, and making sure they are grieving properly. I mean, I will be; I just don't want them to know.

That's all I can think of right now. I mean, I'm sure I'll have more ideas later, but I think you get the general idea. Of course, in the end, no one actually has to follow any of these rules. They could have a five hour ordeal, filled with Hallmark card sentiments, no bar, and my picture printed on napkins, and there would be nothing I could do about it.

After all, I'll be dead.

29 comments:

Rob said...

Will there be balloons and a clown? No, on second thought, scratch the clown.

liz woodbury said...

i'd like an outdoor event, like a big picnic or a bonfire on the beach. also, for the service i've amassed quite a playlist - approximately half are fun, happy-go-lucky songs, but the other half i chose because they will make people BAWL.

the most important thing, though, is NO VIEWING. no dead bodies allowed. because when i'm at funerals where the deceased's body is on display, it is so clearly (to me) an empty shell, a thing that has nothing to do with the person who used to inhabit it.

boycottamericanwomen said...

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women

http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

Katie said...

I feel the same way about my funeral. Love this post!

(Don't love the above comment. WTF?!)

Kelly said...

Booze should be required for all funerals, if anything to make them go by a little faster.

Let me add...No idiots running around only saying, "I'm sorry for your loss." At my aunt's funeral, there was one man, who must have said this to myself and my family at least 20 times. The last time he did, I told him to fuck off, he couldn't possibly be sincere.

Maybe that's why American men should boycott American women?

BugginWord said...

Well said! Let's take it a step further and say all eulogies must be 140 characters or less!

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

I like the four-minute time limit.

Also, my husband has told me that I have to write his eulogy and he said it has to be awesome. No pressure.

He has no empathy for any grief or suffering I might be going to at the time. "You've got to make people, weep, okay? And make me seem handsome and clever."

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

P.S. I also think we should boycott American Women's Funerals.

BeckEye said...

I'm with Liz up there. Never been a fan of sitting around a dead body. Cremation is where it's at.

Tracy Lynn said...

My will specifically states that any memorial for me must be held in a restaurant. And also, I have eliminated all chances that non-funny people will speak.

It's important to be prepared.

msprimadonna67 said...

I want mine to be a big ol' party. But not for a very long time, just so we're clear....

JenS said...

I like the idea of the booze. I'm stealing that for any and all funerals I have an input in. Booze at funerals is a very good idea.

Maybe that's another thing that's wrong with us American women and why we should be boycotted?

Hippo Brigade said...

This is post is amazing. And the comments... oh, the comments are the icing on the cake.

Amanda said...

So, will we be boycotting American women at your funeral? Maybe we should, as solidarity for that poor man, who is obviously having a problem getting some.
I think your plan will show who really knows you, after all, Tara & Cate (and most likely me) can say something "unintentionally" mean in under 30 seconds.
There was no mention of the Boo-Boo Kitty sweatshirt, so I guess we know who will be wearing one...

Erin said...

Oh God, alcohol is an absolute MUST. And assloads of food. Death makes me hungry. We've attended more than our fare share of funerals 'round these parts and have talked about what we want, too. We want Moby played, for maximum crying, and also we want to be cremated and we don't want burial plots -- what a waste of money! Optimally our ashes will be dumped into our cats' litterboxes.

for a different kind of girl said...

I think I want a house band in the corner of the church at my funeral, one with a bandleader that trades quips and sarcastic chuckles with the pastor during the service.

(I also hope said house band plays 'American Woman' during my funeral)

LL Cool Joe said...

What a cheerful little post!

I want people to weep and wail at my funeral and throw themselves at my dead body.

Ok that's a lie.

G said...

How 'bout making sure that you have some kick-ass music?

I know when I eventually kick the bucket, I don't want people falling asleep listening to classical/funeral music.

Dunc said...

This is awesome - I'm bookmarking it and sending it to my husband, with special emphasis on the part about having my frozen head shot into space :-)

Patty O. said...

It's funny, because I've been thinking about this lately too. The one thing I want is for people to tell funny stories. No platitudes and sap, just funny, potentially embarrassing stories, but only if they are endearing and pain me in a good light, like look how fun she was, she was adventurous, etc. And lots and lots of sugar and chocolate. Definitely!

erin said...

Have I told you how much I love your new layout?

No?

Because I'm a bad friend.

And a badmothafucka.

I hope that you don't pass away anytime soon enough for me to need to nosh during your funeral. Crosses fingers.

Riot Kitty said...

I want it to be like Graham Chapman's funeral where John Cleese said, "I want to be the first person to say FUCK at a funeral."

Little Girl::Big Glasses said...

Dangit. I thought this was going to be the post where you tell everyone I get Meg.

Sam said...

This is awesome. I agree with the whole thing. But since you've taken the time to put the whole thing in writing, it would be a damn shame if those in charge of such things didn't honor your wishes.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

I love this:

Like most people at funerals, I usually stop thinking about the deceased pretty early into the service, and start thinking about myself.

And the open bar before the proceedings? Brilliant.

Ellie

Jill VT said...

While I hope your demise is not for a long, long time, I do hope to be there at the proceedings. Sounds perfect. And your comment on Gwynnie and her cleanses...I just about peed my pants.

Patty Punker said...

this was awesome! i want a freaking all day concert with all of my favorite bands, good drugs without edginess, free beer, hydration stations, and tons of people dancing and smiling around the clock.

and i want to be there, damnit! what is this death nonsense.

Jules said...

I can't drink wine. Will there be vodka?

Kim said...

I want to be cremated. Jason insists he can't rest eternally without me beside him, so he's going to force my rotting corpse into the ground. He wants the works for him, but I say it's a waste of money and land so he's getting sprinkled over some ocean. Or fountain.
We shall see who prevails and who croaks first.
Someone I know actually donated her husband's body to science. I'm thinking that's the way to go.