Monday, December 20, 2010

And Then I Became My Mother

Tonight Ryan and I decided to take Meg and Luke to see the latest way to make money off the holidays: "Zoo Lights." As the name implies it is brightly colored light displays sprinkled throughout the zoo, so that people can pay six dollars a head to look at them, while simultaneously bothering animals that really would rather be asleep. Oh, and eat deep fried s'mores. It's a good time.


Actually, most of the animals didn't seem that bothered by the lights, or the people, or the jackasses that pounded on the glass due to the shortage of zoo keepers that wwork nights. I think they must have been in the Christmas spirit. After all, how else would you explain the tiger nativity? Yes, I know that's just their sleeping quarters and not a manger, but then why was the smallest one wrapped in swaddling clothes?

The kangaroo was the only animal that really seemed agitated by the whole thing, jumping around it's enclosure like it was at a rave. I wasn't quite sure what was going on, until I heard the teenage boy behind me say to his (slutty, trust me, I know) girlfriend: "I bet I can hit him with another snowball."

Before I knew what came over me I whirled around with fire in my eyes. "What?" I hissed. He visibly shrank. His girlfriend's mouth hung open, in a half laugh, half silent shriek. "Sorry," he mumbled, and they both walked off.

I felt so cool. Luke and I did a fist bump.

When we caught up with Ryan and Meg I relayed the story, expecting Ryan to be really impressed with my badassery (it's a word). I was shocked when he shrugged. "You're the face of authority to them," he said, "of course they're going to turn tail and run."

Um, in case that wasn't clear, my husband called me old. OLD!

I AM NOT OLD!

I am the person mistaken for 25 ALL THE TIME! I am the one mistaken for Meg's "babysitter," and not just because she's African American. I listen to Kanye! And the Decemberists! Just because I am "technically" old enough to be the mother of a teen doesn't mean I am "old." I am youthful! I am vibrant! I only use Oil of Olay as a preventative measure! I am old enough to buy booze and forget anyone called me old!

Oh, thank God for that last one.

Maybe I'll give some to the kangaroo too.

20 comments:

Jennifer Bruno said...

The kangaroo at a rave line just about makes me snot laugh. :-) Genius.

Meg is so lucky to have a mom that fist bumps and listens to Kanye. One of these days (when she blogs) she will dedicate a post to you about those exact things. :-) Keep it real, girl!

Riot Kitty said...

I love being old enough to threaten teenagers! We went to see Tron tonight, and when I told the kids behind us to shut up, they did :) And even said sorry!

LL Cool Joe said...

Join the old farts club.

I know more about chart music than my 16 year old daughter. If it wasn't for these damn wrinkles and grey hairs I'd get away with being a teenager.

Ok pass that Oil of Olay and then the booze.

Kelly said...

I'm surprised our zoo hasn't thought of this. We have "Night Eyes" which is our zoo's Halloween event, which also happens to overlap with Friday night Zoo Brew. Nothing like sipping a beer, while pushing your dressed up toddler around the zoo.

JenS said...

Love the oil of olay as a preventative measure. That's my new line.

BugginWord said...

Did you save deep fried s'mores? Is that even possible? Wantwantwantwantwantwant.

Jules said...

You = Badass.

That punk was scared. He knew you'd shank him if you had to.

Sam said...

Kids are afraid of me now, too. It's very weird. On the other hand, when I was younger I only WISHED I could school idiots in public. Now I can do it with a look. ;)

Your zoo lights event has deep-fried s'mores???? Now, even though the San Diego Zoo is the biggest zoo in the world, I think it sucks. :)

Amanda said...

I think that I am more concerned that my dear son was impressed by your outburst of authority.

FabuLeslie said...

Sing it sister! I'm so with you!!!

for a different kind of girl said...

I spent Sunday watching a '16 and Pregnant' marathon on MTV and ate cereal for lunch AND dinner, and have been known to talk nonsense followed by lots of 'OMGs!!' and "LOLs!!!" on Facebook. Pass me some more of that Oily of Olay, lady, for I refuse to be old!

Granny Annie said...

You are busted. I'm sorry but whirling around and screaming at cruel, perverted and slutty young people is definitely an old person move. I know because I am one:)

melistress.com said...

We have a place like that too. At our lame zoo which is home to deer and moose and that's about it. Anyway, they call it the Enchanted Forest. http://www.enchanted-forest.org/

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

Kangaroos everywhere will build altars to you.

I used to get carded all the time for booze. But something happened sometime between the ages of 35 and 39 and they've stopped asking.

*Sobs*

Me, You, or Ellie said...

I would threaten teenagers, but I'm scared of them.

Ellie

dufmanno said...

I fight old age and infirmity with a flaming sword from a Heidi Klum skin care infomercial.
Still waiting for someone to mistake me for a nineteen year old.
I think my disappointment and general bitterness about life defeats the anti aging ingredients in my creme though. Screw you Heidi

a Tonggu Momma said...

Hon, we ALL become our mothers. *grin* Happy Christmas and New Year to y'all. May you become even more intimidating, lovable and hip all in the same year.

Little Girl::Big Glasses said...

You guys get deep fried s'mores? Our zoo lights just have hot chocolate the temperature of molten lava.

C Lo said...

ok...but what is this about deep fried s'mores!?

Daniel said...

Y'know, more and more recently, I've been realizing my own oldness. Not that I am old, and not that you're old, but... my bones make a cracking noise sometimes when I stand, and I have a couple dozen gray hairs. And I'm not even 30 yet. I didn't sign up for this.