Thursday, October 7, 2010

Forever Yours, Truthfully

I am going to be honest with you right now. I am a terrible liar.

Take today for example, my co-workers and I were discussing driving skills. I said I didn't know why Ryan never lets me drive when we are together, because I am a great driver. Albert said "really," and I replied, without even thinking about it, "no, I'm actually one of the worst drivers I know."

You're probably thinking, "that's not a big deal, I bet she can lie like a pro when she needs to." Yeah, I wish that were true. I wish that when Ryan asks what Meg had for lunch I could tell him whole grain couscous and broccoli without blinking eye; instead I end up telling him about the grilled cheese and sweet potato fries at a local dive called "Shivers," where your arteries clog a little just from breathing the air. I wish I could tell my Mother I haven't been drinking when we talk on the phone some nights without adding "well, it was only one glass," and then telling her it was a big glass to boot. And I REALLY wish I could call in sick to work when I am not sick. The one or two times I have done this in my working history I have come down with some awful illness, probably psychosomatically. The one time I didn't get sick? I called in to tell my boss I wasn't really sick, but just wanted to spend a day with my boyfriend, and was that okay with him. Yeah, I got fired.

Of course, I have met people who think I am some sort of Machiavellian genius liar, hiding behind my declaration of being a bad liar to hide the truth. I don't really know what to say to them except "thanks." I'm flattered that anyone would think I am that smart, and I can't argue with them by saying "no, really I suck at lying," because they just think I'm proving their point. Then my head starts to hurt and I start wondering if it's opposite day.

Maybe I'm such a good liar not even I realize when I'm lying. Maybe it turns out that I'm not even me, but a large Libby suit being run by a small alien in cockpit, that only allows the suit to know what it wants, making it tell all sorts of lies while thinking it's being truthful. Oh, and that it made sure the suit is short, and kind of odd looking so no one would ever suspect after the whole "Men in Black" thing. Maybe it will turn out the alien has a lair inside a volcano and is planning to jettison the Libby suit any day now.

Yeah, I doubt it.

That suit would probably be a better driver.

12 comments:

Erin said...

At least you're not one of those weird-o habitual liars who can't stop themselves from lying about everything, just for the sake of lying. I used to be a much better liar, but I'm out of practice.

Tracy Lynn said...

I am an excellent liar, but my mom says I'm not allowed to be proud of that, and anyway, I had to give it up as being antithetical to being what my sponsor calls "a fully actualized human being", whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
It took me two solid years of catching myself lying and then saying Sorry, That Was A Lie, and then telling the truth.
Worst. Two. Years. OF MY LIFE.

Riot Kitty said...

I can't even keep a straight face to say, "No, there is no surprise party for you!" The call in was excellent though. I'd give you brownie points if I were your boss!

Deidra said...

I'm not in the habit of lying, so I know I'd be terrible at it. And as for the Libby-suit, that disguise is ingenious! If only the Men-In-Black robot suit aliens thought the same way you did, they would have been invincible. haha

Ash said...

sorry you got fired back then but kudos to you for NOT lying. :)

The Tame One said...

Maybe your verbal defense is hard core truth. You can be one the people who doesn't have a problem being honest when someone really needs it. For example... "Does this make me look fat?" You can look at them and say, "Sure it does. Go change." The world needs more people like you. And kudos to you for being honest.

LL Cool Joe said...

I lie quite often, but I'm crap at it! No one believes me so I don't why I bother really.

Daniel said...

I think being an effective liar takes practice... but I totally feel you on the having a conscience thing. I think it's better that way.

Calling out sick was something I managed to avoid doing for a great many years, but about a year ago, something switched in me to where I started to frequently call out.

Oddly, I felt sicker to my stomach making the call and leaving a voice mail that I wasn't going to be in because I was ::cough, cough:: sick... than I did the morning after when I'd come in and admit to my bosses face that I wasn't actually sick, but instead took the day off to sit on the beach.

justmakingourway said...

Is it bad to say I'm a good liar? It sure sounds bad. I mean I don't make a habit of doing it. Shit, I shouldn't have said anything.

Sam said...

Nice to know, Libs. I'm a terrible liar, too, and generally don't even bother trying. I suffer from what I call "stupid face," which gives everything away anyway, so what's the point?

Lindsey said...

I always think I"m a good liar...but apparently the game is up b/c they always see right through me. Sigh.

Kim said...

I am SUCH a bad liar. I can't handle the pressure and crack every time. I swear I should have been Catholic with my obsession with guilt.