Take today for example, my co-workers and I were discussing driving skills. I said I didn't know why Ryan never lets me drive when we are together, because I am a great driver. Albert said "really," and I replied, without even thinking about it, "no, I'm actually one of the worst drivers I know."
You're probably thinking, "that's not a big deal, I bet she can lie like a pro when she needs to." Yeah, I wish that were true. I wish that when Ryan asks what Meg had for lunch I could tell him whole grain couscous and broccoli without blinking eye; instead I end up telling him about the grilled cheese and sweet potato fries at a local dive called "Shivers," where your arteries clog a little just from breathing the air. I wish I could tell my Mother I haven't been drinking when we talk on the phone some nights without adding "well, it was only one glass," and then telling her it was a big glass to boot. And I REALLY wish I could call in sick to work when I am not sick. The one or two times I have done this in my working history I have come down with some awful illness, probably psychosomatically. The one time I didn't get sick? I called in to tell my boss I wasn't really sick, but just wanted to spend a day with my boyfriend, and was that okay with him. Yeah, I got fired.
Of course, I have met people who think I am some sort of Machiavellian genius liar, hiding behind my declaration of being a bad liar to hide the truth. I don't really know what to say to them except "thanks." I'm flattered that anyone would think I am that smart, and I can't argue with them by saying "no, really I suck at lying," because they just think I'm proving their point. Then my head starts to hurt and I start wondering if it's opposite day.
Maybe I'm such a good liar not even I realize when I'm lying. Maybe it turns out that I'm not even me, but a large Libby suit being run by a small alien in cockpit, that only allows the suit to know what it wants, making it tell all sorts of lies while thinking it's being truthful. Oh, and that it made sure the suit is short, and kind of odd looking so no one would ever suspect after the whole "Men in Black" thing. Maybe it will turn out the alien has a lair inside a volcano and is planning to jettison the Libby suit any day now.
Yeah, I doubt it.
That suit would probably be a better driver.